Narcissists

Current consensus seems to be that "Narcissism" (in the clinical sense)occurs when one's sense of "self" has never quite developed properly or completely, often in the early stages of infancy, and usually due to parent(s) who may have been too self-absorbed and narcisisstic themselves to properly nurture & respond. There's even been some research that suggests this actually results in a neurological deficit in the early development of the brain. Cerainly it's well understood that empathy (located in the Pre-frontal cortex) is lacking in Narcissists, Borderlines, and Socio- or Psychopathic types.

In any case, a so-called "false self" develops to cope and compensate, but that's usually very grandiose and over-inflated, and requires constant "re-enforcement" and attention from others to maintain. This is what's called "narcissistic supply". And if you get involved with a narcissist, this inevitably becomes your "role" to provide it in some way. Some are overtly abusive, but mostly they just have very poor emotional control and can fall into "rages" easily, especially when they're frustrated or their self-esteem/"false self' feels attacked (which is pretty easy to do).

There are supposed to be several treatment modalities that claim to help them, and even without treatment, they often improve somewhat with age. Although as Grace mentions, they seldom seek help (it's always "everybody elses" fault!). There are also assorted techniques available for better coping with them, which is probably a good idea anyway, since you'll find them all over, from work, to politics, to friendships. But otherwise, my own opinion is that for all practical purposes, at least as far as intimate relationships, they're a waste of time at best. They can be just as charmimng as can be and know how to push all your "buttons" (good and bad), but in the end, any relationship is all a waste of time (or worse), since at a minimum, they're manipulative and basically incapable of bonding, or forming any sort of meaningful attachment. And even if they could, the thought of it just scares the beejeezus out of them anyway!

That aside, if we find that we seem to be chronically attracting these types, it's often a good clue that we need to do some work on ourselves as well, especially to recognize our own weaknesses and needs that are being picked up on and exploited so easily.

Certainly Narcissists are easy to "demonize" since they can do some pretty nasty behaviors, but I think it's also important to remember that they really can't help being who or what they are. Although we should still exercise caution around them anyway!

BTW, a book I really like is "Disarming the Narcissist" by Wendy T. Behary (available thru Amazon).