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StatGamer StatGamer is offline
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rogerlee lies like a dog.

he didn't just kiss me on my CHEEK when he first met me

And chawks, the clone always twitches a bit you know But yes, if we could clone him, I think a lot of women would be very happy.

Honestly Laced, I would like to believe it is possible to maintain some kind of intensity although it does change. I don't think RL and I are turned on by each other in exactly the same way as before, but we are still turned on by each other as intensely as before, just about different things. Does that make sense?

I think it's a lot of work and a lot of commitment. For example, if he forgets to text me my good morning message, I am sure to whine a lot until he does!! Jk Jk. No if he forgets, I usually get to send him one and it is work because we try not to repeat the same things. We also play a "I love you because..." game where the other person has to give one reason why he loves you..and that's hard too after a few months. (RL cheats and always says it's because I am smart or something unromantic until I beat him and then I hear something very nice)

When one of us slacks off a bit in the romantic effort department, the other one picks up and delivers and I think that is how we've kept the momentum going so far because one person just can't do it alone.

If you want this in your life and the other guy didn't, there's no way you could do all the work yourself--and be satisfied and have it be a prominent part of your relationship.

I have come to believe that it IS possible to sustain these feelings, but they take work.

I also believe however that the willingness to offer your partner something they want, the willingness to make that effort is integral to a successful relationship. If he can't give you that, believe you me, there's some other guy that can.

I dated all those men Laced, the ones that couldn't/wouldn't show any signs of interest but told me all day long how much they loved me. I see that the reality is, that if you love someone, it shows. And I also see that some people's way of showing love is more compatible than that of others.

So like RL, I choose to believe that intensity of some sort will prevail and will last--if you work at it.
- September 29th, 2009, 07:55 am
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lacedwithhope lacedwithhope is offline
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I think that Stat and Roger are living proof that the mutual effort is definitely worth it and it's obvious from reading their words that although it's not always easy, they place a high value on what each other brings to their lives.

Thanks for sharing, you two -- and thank you for being my inspiration.
- September 29th, 2009, 10:54 am
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lacedwithhope lacedwithhope is offline
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Nylit wrote :
I know a couple I have been friends with since we met in high school and they have been married about 30+ yrs. She still writes lil love notes and puts in his lunch box for work,(he gets teased at work and loves it), they still hold hands and cuddle in public, he whispers in her ears special love words they share. I like watching them together and their kids have grown up very loving due to seeing Mom and Dad in love.
Yes, I believe in fairy tales, soulmates, whatever you want to call it, its true love and both should feel it for the other.
Call me sappy, I can't help it.
Thanks, Nylit -- your friends are a great example that this type of sustainable love can and does occur, and so it's not really a fairy tale, is it?
- September 29th, 2009, 10:57 am
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MelinCali MelinCali is offline
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lacedwithhope wrote :
The man I'd been dating had been putting less effort our relationship (in terms of prioritizing, communication and planning) than I was and I recently called him on it. I said that I wasn't comfortable dating someone whose actions indicated he that he was far less into 'us' than I was. We'd discussed it before, and it was a pattern with him.

As an example, I said that if a guy truly believed I was 'the one' he should be with, I would be in his first thoughts of the day, and he'd think of me before sleep. It's a romantic notion I know, but when someone is important in my life, this is how it is for me. I believe it should be like this...in a figurative sense of course ... not necessarily every night... .

Predictably, he dismissed my "dream man" as being unrealistic -- his take is that this only exists 'in youth and fleetingly.' He's obviously not the right guy for me, but:

Do you think it's possible to engage at this level, and sustain it? Do you think most others do? Or is this simple notion ... just stupid?
Well, this all speaking for myself of course, but I see what you are talking about here as two different things: thinking about someone all the time, and making an effort in the relationship.

Certainly for me, when I am first smitten, I do think about him all the time...first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and thoughts of him intrude on every moment in between so that I can barely function. I think the hormone surge turns me into a blithering idiot.

Fortunately, this does subside somewhat with time so my mind does not wander to thinking of him at inappropriate times when I need to focus on something like work or spelling my name. He might be my fourth or fifth thought in the morning when I am done swearing at the alarm clock, finding the light switch and figuring out which day of the week it is and why I am awake.

Just because the initial crazy subsides does not mean I have less interest and it doesn't mean that the effort to work at a relationship should dwindle too. It means that I have returned to an even keel. I think there is a slow replacement of some of the feelings of intense attraction with something more along the lines of caring (you know what I mean, I hope--what comes before the "L" word ). The attraction might appear stronger since it is so consuming, but it needs to be taken down a couple notches and balanced out with other feelings that develop (for me at least).

Everything else that follows that initial lust develops out of communication, shared experiences and thoughtfulness--the effort made to spend time together nurtures a feeling of closeness and connection. If no effort is put in to communication and spending the needed time together, I think the feelings could just fade away.

I'm sorry to hear that your guy isn't putting in the effort to make things work for you guys, laced. I had high hopes for him working out for you.

lacedwithhope wrote :
Reason: Please don't send me to the main boards... : )
Now, would we do that?
- September 29th, 2009, 11:30 am
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Trikster Trikster is offline
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chawks64 wrote :
I don't have to be the first thing he thinks of in the morning and the last thing at night, though that would be nice.

But when something exciting happens, I'd like him to think "I can't wait to tell her!"
I realize I am still new in my current relationship, but the norm for me right now is to think of her first thing and last thing...plus, when I found out I got the job(s), she was the first person I texted when I found out. I also find myself thinking about her on and off throughout the day, at completely random times. Usually things like, how is her day, feeling well, students being good...etc.
lacedwithhope wrote :
snipped for space
I hate to say it, but I am kind of thinking he is falling into that movie title, "He's just not that into you..." Shame, he is clearly delusional. A relationship is about giving to the other person. You love them, cherish the time you spend, want to do things for them "Just 'cause"... If you love that person, you need to treasure him/her. It doesn't hurt to ask what makes them feel this way either. If this guy isn't doing these things and when you talk about the way it is making you feel and get lack luster response, perhaps it is time to move on.

Believe me, I have been in your shoes. It isn't fun. At least now, I can see why it was bad in the past, because things are so very much better!
- September 29th, 2009, 08:07 pm
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The fiance emails me, even if it's just a sentence, every single morning before he goes to work. On the weeknights when we're not together, we talk every evening before he goes to bed. So yes, I understand that "first thing/last thing" thing is an important thing .

I've got a couple in my church who got married in a hurry before he shipped out to war; back when they were 17 and 19. Everyone feared it wouldn't last. That was 66 years ago. Both of them are battling cancer now. I pulled into their driveway one day this summer, for a visit. They were in their yard, but they didn't hear me. They were sitting on their porch swing, holding hands as the afternoon shadows grew longer, too lost in their conversation and one another to notice anyone else.

I think that's what we want, isn't it?
- September 29th, 2009, 09:10 pm
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graceventually wrote :
The fiance emails me, even if it's just a sentence, every single morning before he goes to work. On the weeknights when we're not together, we talk every evening before he goes to bed. So yes, I understand that "first thing/last thing" thing is an important thing .

I've got a couple in my church who got married in a hurry before he shipped out to war; back when they were 17 and 19. Everyone feared it wouldn't last. That was 66 years ago. Both of them are battling cancer now. I pulled into their driveway one day this summer, for a visit. They were in their yard, but they didn't hear me. They were sitting on their porch swing, holding hands as the afternoon shadows grew longer, too lost in their conversation and one another to notice anyone else.

I think that's what we want, isn't it?
YES!
- September 29th, 2009, 09:16 pm
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simplemind simplemind is offline
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It's not just at the forefront, not just at the conscious level...

It's when you have internalized the person you love, to the point that they are your constant companion in all that you do.

Even when you're not consciously thinking of them as you move through the day...they are there, with you.
- September 29th, 2009, 09:39 pm
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lacedwithhope lacedwithhope is offline
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It's good to see that so many people 'get' this concept. The idea of being 'on-board,' 'dialed-in,' or in-sync etc. is pretty simple, isn't it? But it can seem so difficult ...

The excellent point has been raised that your way of showing your significant other that they matter will depend on not only on your 'style' but hopefully also on your partner's needs. So... each relationship is different. As several mentioned, the effort may change as the relationship progresses through different phases, but it continues and it's influenced by the needs of your partner.

Years ago, a friend who is a marriage counselor told me that when she and her husband go through challenging times, she asks him "what do you need from me?"

Maybe it's that kind of effort that keeps a relationship alive far beyond the lust phase. And not just in 'stupid' fairy tales.
Last edited by lacedwithhope; September 29th, 2009 at 11:36 pm. Reason: Thanks for all the great input!
- September 29th, 2009, 11:14 pm
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lacedwithhope wrote :

Years ago, a friend who is a marriage counselor told me that when she and her husband go through challenging times, she asks him "what do you need from me?"

Maybe it's that kind of effort that keeps a relationship alive far beyond the lust phase. And not just in 'stupid' fairy tales. [/font]
Wise words! I think that's a great approach, Laced.
- September 30th, 2009, 12:07 am
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