Musings

Hello,


I've been widowed for a little over 14 months. I started dating after about six months with the thought that after 20+ years dating was going to be an awful terrible expereince and it might take me dozens of attempts to find someone compatible. I wasn't ready for long-term but thought I could explore dating at least.

Well it wasn't that terrible and on my third first date I hit the jackpot- an amazing smart, funny, caring woman who's beautiful as well. Fortunately she also takes surprises well (like how long I had been widowed) and was willing to let things develop slowly, which we both needed. But after an initial slow start its gotten very serious.

I've found that the problems we're dealing with aren't the ones I thought I'd face. I've never felt guilty, she's not in some sort of competition with my late wife, and I'm not running from the idea of a permanent committed relationship. . . But. . .

The problem has been that my world has been turned upside down over the last few years. While I think I've done the work to be emotionally available to someone I'm just resistant to making life changes to make a permanent relationship possilble. . . even when its a life I want with someone I love very much. Its like I built the best life I could in the circumstances and now can build something way better, but I'm tired of change so I resist doing it even when I would prefer the end result. This is perceived as not being committed to a relationship (Understandable on her partI think) or to her. Lots and time and energy has gone into this and fotunately she is patient and willing to talk things out or I'd have been kicked to the curb by now, but its been a challenge. I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this or has thoughts. Thanks for listening!

I can understand your reluctance to undergo any more change in your life. I am just trying to start dating after 10 months of widowhood. I am telling myself that I absolutely do not want to marry again. I just want a buddy to hang with and travel with and share my life. So far I seem to have the "widow hex" on me and all contacts from eH have not gone past the initial stage. Someone wrote that I should not tell that I am widowed as it seems somehow to be like a disease and catching or maybe my fault. One day I hope I will find someone who is brave enough to get to know me.