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coeuri coeuri is offline
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I have a close friend who I used to be engaged to. But I don't choose to go back in that direction because as I moved back into a more active relationship with my God and he moved to a town further away, what he wanted our relationship to be did not jive with the kind of commitment that felt at peace with my relationship with God. He still is a very good friend, but, under those circumstances, I am more at peace with the friendship.

What is this thing about not being allowed to just be friends with a guy? I find my interests jive more in conversation with men then with most women but find everytime a guy seems to be my friend, someone puts romantic implications to it.

Just my thoughts.
- November 9th, 2009, 05:22 am
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meri75 wrote :
...I'm not sure I understand your question: 'What is it with the 'friend' thing? Are you asking why do I have a close male friend whom I do not explore relationship opportunities? Or taking another tack entirely? I'm not sure.
here, people talk about being put in the "friend zone" meaning (i think) that they are friends with this or that person and just don't look at them "that way." i think that translates to, "i don't lust after them, they are like a brother- eww, i would not date that."

i did say above...

notyet wrote :
...not picking on you, meri- just using the opportunity to ask the question here in CS.

i have asked that question out on the main boards and did not get an answer i did not expect. but i will admit that i do expect a different answer form my christian brothers and sisters...
so, i am not calling you out and apologize if it came across that way (i am two for two this morning...)

it just seems to me that we should be dating friends and if people are "ewwed" by that thought, their thoughts are probably overly carnal.

have i dug a deep enough hole yet?
- November 9th, 2009, 09:27 am
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meri75 meri75 is offline
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notyet wrote :
here, people talk about being put in the "friend zone" meaning (i think) that they are friends with this or that person and just don't look at them "that way." i think that translates to, "i don't lust after them, they are like a brother- eww, i would not date that."

i did say above...

so, i am not calling you out and apologize if it came across that way (i am two for two this morning...)

it just seems to me that we should be dating friends and if people are "ewwed" by that thought, their thoughts are probably overly carnal.

have i dug a deep enough hole yet?
Yep - I got that it was a genuine query on your part and not nit-picking. No apology necessary.

Hmm ... I have never had that happen to me. I wonder if it is possibly because I have never dated any of my male friends? I see losts of posts on the main boards and it appears from the history that for the most part the two people weren't friends before the date and so one is 'letting the other down lightly' by trekking out the 'just friends' line.

And yes, he is definitely 'date' material. (How I loathe that expression! LOL) I can't understand why he hasn't moved on into a new relationship. Perhaps he is not yet (like my play on words? hehehehehe) ready.
- November 9th, 2009, 01:13 pm
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jsbach wrote :
Ah, Meri...this has been a fun thread to read. Your sweetness and humility comes through.

I'm sure you've prayed about this. Keep it up. And as Bluebird told me, just be your wonderful you!
Thank you.

And yes, you're right, he is a prayer point from time to time.
- November 10th, 2009, 01:47 pm
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Cloud_Strife Cloud_Strife is offline
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Hisown wrote :
I would date a friend...
...
Love is a commitment, unconditional, and hard work. Lust comes and goes.
...
But I want my next mate to be my best friend. Maybe that is an unrealistic expectation.
I do not think that is unrealistic, in fact quite the opposite, it's very realistic to expect your mate to be your best friend. After all, in God's eyes you become one flesh! If that doesn't set the level of expectation for how close we are to be to our mate then I don't know what does!

I too want to be the best friend of my mate and I think that's the main reason why I'm not rushing to go on dates, but focusing on building friendships instead. I'm trusting in the Lord to bring about his perfect timing for my mate, and waiting on him.

I am not afraid of getting "stuck in the friend zone". I think it is a near-sighted point of view to take that you cannot become romantic because you are too close of a friend. It's my belief that romance is something that can be kindled on top of any foundation so why not light it on top of the foundation of friendship and fellowship in the Lord Jesus?
- November 10th, 2009, 05:23 pm
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Cloud_Strife wrote :
I do not think that is unrealistic, in fact quite the opposite, it's very realistic to expect your mate to be your best friend. After all, in God's eyes you become one flesh! If that doesn't set the level of expectation for how close we are to be to our mate then I don't know what does!

I too want to be the best friend of my mate and I think that's the main reason why I'm not rushing to go on dates, but focusing on building friendships instead. I'm trusting in the Lord to bring about his perfect timing for my mate, and waiting on him.

I am not afraid of getting "stuck in the friend zone". I think it is a near-sighted point of view to take that you cannot become romantic because you are too close of a friend. It's my belief that romance is something that can be kindled on top of any foundation so why not light it on top of the foundation of friendship and fellowship in the Lord Jesus?
I totally agree with you Cloud. Thanks for the response. Besides He is able to do above what we ask or think and between friends He can cause romance to be kindled and grow.
- November 10th, 2009, 07:55 pm
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I think sometimes we just aren't meant to date friends. Not all the time, but in some cases. I had an incredible friendship with a guy for years and I will believe till the day I die that we were half in love with each other the whole time. We could never take it to the next level though and believe me, I spent countless hours in prayer over the whole thing. I talked to God, to friends, to my family - and especially to my guy friend. We discussed our relationship many times, but could never see our way forward with anything other than friendship. It was pretty amazing though. We could (and did) talk about everything, we laughed, we were serious, I was one of the only people who stuck around when he went through cancer and he saw me through some really tough things too. We did pretty much everything together, but it never went beyond friendship, though we talked about it often enough. Eventually we said good-bye. I still see him around from time to time, but that phase of our lives is over. We really just weren't meant to be. I don't regret that period of my life though. I learned a lot from him and I grew as a person because I knew him.

I hope this hasn't come across like I'm pouring cold water on people's ideas and beliefs. This was just my experience and it definitely doesn't apply to everybody, nor should it. I do believe that God can bring two friends of long-standing together romantically and I think it's beautiful when that happens. It wasn't what He had planned for me, but that's okay. I wouldn't change what I have for anything! I've known a lot of people who were friends for a long time before they became a couple though and there is something very beautiful and precious about that. It's definitely worth pursuing if you can find it.
- November 10th, 2009, 11:05 pm
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lindseyk wrote :
I think sometimes we just aren't meant to date friends. Not all the time, but in some cases. I had an incredible friendship with a guy for years and I will believe till the day I die that we were half in love with each other the whole time. We could never take it to the next level though and believe me, I spent countless hours in prayer over the whole thing. I talked to God, to friends, to my family - and especially to my guy friend. We discussed our relationship many times, but could never see our way forward with anything other than friendship. It was pretty amazing though. We could (and did) talk about everything, we laughed, we were serious, I was one of the only people who stuck around when he went through cancer and he saw me through some really tough things too. We did pretty much everything together, but it never went beyond friendship, though we talked about it often enough. Eventually we said good-bye. I still see him around from time to time, but that phase of our lives is over. We really just weren't meant to be. I don't regret that period of my life though. I learned a lot from him and I grew as a person because I knew him.

I hope this hasn't come across like I'm pouring cold water on people's ideas and beliefs. This was just my experience and it definitely doesn't apply to everybody, nor should it. I do believe that God can bring two friends of long-standing together romantically and I think it's beautiful when that happens. It wasn't what He had planned for me, but that's okay. I wouldn't change what I have for anything! I've known a lot of people who were friends for a long time before they became a couple though and there is something very beautiful and precious about that. It's definitely worth pursuing if you can find it.
No you didn't come across like you were trying to pour cold water. I totally understand. There are some friends if we date them then it would ruin the friendship. I have a long standing friend who I was madly in love with as a young girl but he was in love with my sister. He and my sister no longer speak, but he and I are still really good friends after almost 30 years. I treasure his friendship and really love him as a good friend. I just pray that someday the Lord will grant to me a best friend that will also be my mate, lover, and companion as well. But no matter what I trust Him regardless to do what is best for me even if it means I am single the rest of my life (I hope not, but I will try to be content no matter my circumstance).
- November 11th, 2009, 12:40 am
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Hisown wrote :
...There are some friends if we date them then it would ruin the friendship...
i cannot speak to your specific situation because i do not know you. so again, what follows is not aimed at you. but i do want to use it as a jumping off point...

i think that when we christians date like the world dates- with all of the intimacy that invovles (read sex), it is almost impossible to remain friends after a break-up. but if we date in purity/abstinence, a break-up will be much less likely to result in the loss of a friend.

just what i've observed.
- November 11th, 2009, 09:52 am
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notyet wrote :
i cannot speak to your specific situation because i do not know you. so again, what follows is not aimed at you. but i do want to use it as a jumping off point...

i think that when we christians date like the world dates- with all of the intimacy that invovles (read sex), it is almost impossible to remain friends after a break-up. but if we date in purity/abstinence, a break-up will be much less likely to result in the loss of a friend.

just what i've observed.
Sorry you feel you like to have walk gingerly around me notyet. I again apologize for this and I don't mind your jumping off from a point.

I agree that when dating moves into a sexual realm it is more difficult to remain friends afterwards and as Christians we should keep proper boundaries. I have seen that it sometimes is also hard to remain friends when they wanted the relationship to progress and you didn't. This creates a disconnect and often causes a loss in the friendship as well.
- November 11th, 2009, 02:14 pm
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