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sweetspirit96 sweetspirit96 is offline
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Question girl, I agree; it is self-centered. Assuming the end goal in mind is marriage, what does Christ say about it? That husbands should love their wives as Christ loves the Church, and that wives should honr and submit to their husbands because as Christ is head of the church, so are husbands the heads of the family. Both of those are so sacrificial, it makes no sense and repels the world.

So question for you: Does it matter how the world operates? Is this something peole feel should be compromised a little in order to gain a spouse?
- September 26th, 2009, 10:26 am
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Questioninggirl wrote :
Thank you for everyone who has contributed. My question was a little abstract and broad. To narrow it down...I'm wondering if some of our cultural dating rules/games seem to be a little self centered, deceptive and/or manipulative to anyone else. For example...

Hook the guy/girl; make sure to leave them wanting more; Don't do XYZ or you'll seem needy; don't call them for X days or you'll turn them off; don't accept a request for a date after Wednesday for the weekend; don't let them think you are too free or don't call or write back too soon (while the other person goes through emotions wondering if you are still interested.)

These are just a few of so many "rules" I have heard outside and on this site...just as an example. It seems to me that these are very focused on getting what WE want. Not other centered...as Jesus would call us to be. Am I wrong? Or does anyone feel the same?
It sounds like what you are objecting to is the manipulation and sometimes outright lies people are using to get a mate. I'm pretty sure you're not like that and I can't see you wanting to be with someone who was. Personally, I don't see the games as being very smart, let alone Christian. If I end up with someone, I'd prefer they be constantly surprised by me in a GOOD way. Better than advertised, as opposed to a bait and switch.

The way I see things that like that is as more of a filter. If someone wants to play games and manipulate the relationship, I'll be up front once and say that really doesn't work for me, please just be yourself. If they continue to do it, I assume that is how the relationship will be, so I think it's best that it not continue.

What keeps me from being so disappointed is knowing that leaving one problematic romance frees me to start another with much more potential.
- September 26th, 2009, 12:02 pm
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For me their are a couple foundations I am looking for to build a relationship. One is trust, If women want to play games with me and we are just getting to know oneanother than that is a sign of not being trust worthy. Another is a genuine interest in me. It is equally important that a woman genuinly is interested in who I am and not just being in a realtionship with someone. Games are for children and we are all adults here. We can be child like in heart but adult like in action. It really come down to respect for the other and thinking of them before our selves like QG had stated. If we want a equally yoked relationship in sacrifice we need to be the one to sacrifice first and live our calling as children of God.
- September 26th, 2009, 12:29 pm
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Questioninggirl wrote :
Thank you for everyone who has contributed. My question was a little abstract and broad. To narrow it down...I'm wondering if some of our cultural dating rules/games seem to be a little self centered, deceptive and/or manipulative to anyone else. For example...

Hook the guy/girl; make sure to leave them wanting more; Don't do XYZ or you'll seem needy; don't call them for X days or you'll turn them off; don't accept a request for a date after Wednesday for the weekend; don't let them think you are too free or don't call or write back too soon (while the other person goes through emotions wondering if you are still interested.)

These are just a few of so many "rules" I have heard outside and on this site...just as an example. It seems to me that these are very focused on getting what WE want. Not other centered...as Jesus would call us to be. Am I wrong? Or does anyone feel the same?

Nice points you mention there.


I must say I am disappointed with EHarmony Advice saying "Like it or Not, Dating is a Game". Well, I don't like it and will never understand why people resort to the "tactics" (as so many call them) to "hook" a person. I do not see it as being honest, and to me it is not the Christian way to find a mate.


If I were on a first date with someone, and noticed we had good chemistry and enjoyed ourselves. I would let them know right there. I also would contact them (next day) to chat further and build on what developed. Now, if this comes across as being needy or too forceful in some way - I can't help the way that I feel. So, until I meet someone that does not follow the "status quo" of the dating scene, I may be single for alot longer.
- September 27th, 2009, 11:34 am
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I dislike really, the word "dating", because it's so vague. For some, dating means in some type of relationship where it has been agreed to mutually only see one person. For others it means seeing people causually.

I think the way one tries to find a spouse is actually not to look for one. I believe one should seek friendship, first, and from that will bloom marriage.

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (Jn. 15: 13).
- September 27th, 2009, 11:50 am
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Questioninggirl Questioninggirl is offline
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CreolePrincess wrote :
I dislike really, the word "dating", because it's so vague. For some, dating means in some type of relationship where it has been agreed to mutually only see one person. For others it means seeing people causually.

I think the way one tries to find a spouse is actually not to look for one. I believe one should seek friendship, first, and from that will bloom marriage.

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (Jn. 15: 13).
I agree. I guess I have been struggling myself with what I really want to ask in this question. This is a really personal issue for me currently because I have avoided "dating" as I think our culture would define it. But, I am realizing that the lifestyle I have had and the state I live in do not allow for a lot of Christian interaction and even less with singles.

Personally, I have always felt that "dating" is not edifying and encouraging to my brothers or myself. I have wanted to seek friendship and a brother/sister relationships until the Lord leads with one person toward courtship. But in my situation this does not seem possible. The expectation when meeting other singles is usually focused on whether that person is a potential mate. Moving directly toward the dating model.

So, I have wondered....should I "date" in a different way? But so much seems lost in semantics. If I redefine, with different parameters, that doesn't translate to the other person up front. Does any of this make sense? And does anyone else struggle with this?
Last edited by Questioninggirl; September 28th, 2009 at 07:47 am. Reason: Clarity for reading...not sure it helped :)
- September 27th, 2009, 10:09 pm
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Questioninggirl Questioninggirl is offline
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sweetspirit96 wrote :
So question for you: Does it matter how the world operates?
Yes and no, I think. We are told to be in the world, but not of the world. To not conform any longer to the pattern of this world. But we live in the world and are affected by its influence and our culture daily. So are our potential mates. It effects our communication patterns.

This brings up these questions for me. I want to be led by the Holy Spirit in renewing my mind regarding how to go about possibly finding a spouse. Since scripture doesn't deal in 21st century specifics, in this area, I want to discuss and seek advice from other believers who may be wondering about this as well.

sweetspirit96 wrote :
Is this something peole feel should be compromised a little in order to gain a spouse?
Personally, no not even if it means remaining single for life.
- September 28th, 2009, 06:31 am
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Questioninggirl wrote :
Personally, I have always felt that "dating" is not edifying and encouraging to my brothers or myself. I have wanted to seek friendship and a brother/sister relationships until the Lord leads with one person toward courtship. But in my situation this does not seem possible. The expectation when meeting other singles is usually focused on whether that person is a potential mate. Moving directly toward the dating model.

So, I have wondered....should I "date" in a different way? But so much seems lost in semantics. If I redefine, with different parameters, that doesn't translate to the other person up front. Does any of this make sense? And does anyone else struggle with this?
Although friendships can certainly progress into romantic relationships, I don't think that it's somehow more Biblical or edifying to only seek romantic relationships through friendship. The Bible doesn't have a whole lot to say on dating, but if anything the examples that stick out to me (e.g. Jacob) suggest that directly pursuing a romantic relationship is a fine approach.

I think that dating intentionally can actually be very helpful for guarding the hearts of our brothers and sisters. With our intentions quite clear ("I want to get to know you for the purpose of considering whether to pursue a romantic relationship"), you're less likely to end up in a situation where two people have very different perspectives on the direction of a relationship. I know I've certainly seen male/female friendships where one person or the other was becoming very invested in a relationship that the other did not consider romantic at all.
- September 28th, 2009, 12:09 pm
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Questioninggirl Questioninggirl is offline
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cardguy wrote :
Although friendships can certainly progress into romantic relationships, I don't think that it's somehow more Biblical or edifying to only seek romantic relationships through friendship. The Bible doesn't have a whole lot to say on dating, but if anything the examples that stick out to me (e.g. Jacob) suggest that directly pursuing a romantic relationship is a fine approach.

I think that dating intentionally can actually be very helpful for guarding the hearts of our brothers and sisters. With our intentions quite clear ("I want to get to know you for the purpose of considering whether to pursue a romantic relationship"), you're less likely to end up in a situation where two people have very different perspectives on the direction of a relationship. I know I've certainly seen male/female friendships where one person or the other was becoming very invested in a relationship that the other did not consider romantic at all.
Cardguy, I understand and appreciate what you're saying. I don't mean to imply that my feelings about developing friendship first are more Biblical. It's a personal conviction. I agree with you that clearly defined intentions are critical and that there is nothing wrong with directly pursuing a romantic relationship.

Personally, I feel called (as a Christian) in every relationship to seek the other person’s best interest and to have a positive influence on their life. So many people tell me that dating is just meeting new people. I guess the issue I have with that is…I’m not just meeting new people to enjoy the person God has created them to be, nor to try and help them as a sister in Christ to become more Christ like. I feel like I’m evaluating this person on how they will best fit MY needs… possibly raising their hopes and expectations in the midst of this “trial period”. And if it doesn’t work out it’s not likely that I will be contributing to that person’s life in the future. It just doesn’t feel edifying or encouraging to me.


[color=black][font=Arial]So, In my ideal world...I would want to continue to just seek the Lord and serve Him, while interacting with and getting to know my brothers in Christ (in a natural relational setting, with no underlying expectation toward a romantic relationship). Until the Lord clearly led with one person, and I guess in my definition…this one on one interaction would be clearly defined and intentional “courtship”. Not trying people on for size, one after another.

[color=black]
Last edited by Questioninggirl; September 28th, 2009 at 11:30 pm.
- September 28th, 2009, 11:27 pm
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I guess I'd say that you don't have to have a sustained, long-term contact with someone to enjoy interacting with them as another person created by God. I mean, we interact many, many people with whom we do not develop further contact. I mean, do you feel guilty for having a quick chat with someone next to you on bus or an airplane, knowing that you'll probably never talk to them again? God puts us in contact with lots of people, not all of those contacts will or are meant to be long-term. We shouldn't feel guilty about that, but simply seek to bless others over whatever period of time we do cross paths.

I just don't see getting together with someone to see if you enjoy each other's company as in any way disrespectful of the other person...if anything I think that having the romantic intentions out there in the open is more considerate to your brothers, better that than to leave them guessing about the intentions of a friendship over the course of several months.
- September 29th, 2009, 09:13 am
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