Relationships and parent/family problems

epbomb13,

After reading your post, I thought you were describing my mother because I can relate with every comment you made. I actually live next door to my mother, which at the time I thought it would be a good idea to have help with my daughter, until I realized all the dysfunction that I never noticed before. There was always the wondering of why my mom does not say I love you or you did a good job but this became unbearable. I knew I had to make a choice of either let her criticize me everyday or stand up for myself and risk our relationship and I forgot to mention that my sister lives across from my mother. Which again you would think how nice but not when they are trying to control your life. I went and purchased two books of Boundaries by Henry Cloud and I gave one to my sister and the other to my mother. My sister did not talk to me for two months, then came to me, and said thank you. She said that was one of the best books and wrote me an apology letter. My mother read a few pages from the book but still did not see her actions. I suggest that we see a counselor so she would understand that a third party would be telling her the same as I was. We went to three appointments together and my mother said I do not need to go anymore. When I asked her why she did not want to go anymore, she said that she understood how I felt, and what she was doing wrong. Unfortunately, she did not understand or change because everything is still the same. I consulted with a colleague of mine at that point and it was suggested that to maintain my own sanity to stay away from her. I cannot change her and she is obviously stuck in her ways and if you think your parents would react in the same as I described what do you think would be best for you to do. The only thing that I can do is set up my boundaries, and when they are crossed, point them out to her. When that becomes too much I stay away. You have to decide how you want to be treated and set up the boundaries of what you will allow and not allow. This works for any relationship not just with parents. If you need some advice on how to confront them and discuss your feelings the book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward has good information on how to do that. You sound like you are in love and regardless if you have a future with this girl you have to decide how you want the relationship to be with your parents. My mother actually went through a similar situation when she first married my father. They were living with his parents and my mother had a problem with remembering to close the kitchen cabinets. My grandmother could not stand it and would bitch at my grandfather about it. Finally, one night at dinner my grandfather said something about the kitchen cabinets in a nasty way regarding my mother. My father stood up and said don’t you ever talk about my wife like that again and they packed the car and left. Year’s later things were smoothed over but not taken care of and when the dysfunction is not handled at the time, it just carries over to the next generation. I hope that has helped in some way.