Advice and Support from Thousands of Users Just Like You

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
JediSoth JediSoth is offline
JediSoth's Avatar

JediSoth is ecstatic being with tink333.

Quick Study

Join Date: Jan 2009

Posts: 109

See profile



I realized this weekend that I've been going about this whole dating thing wrong. I joined eHarmony in the hopes that I would find someone I would really "click" with and be able to get into a long term relationship with little down time.


I didn't want to be alone. I really wanted someone with whom I could share my life. That's what I had and lost.


What I realize this weekend was that it was going to be a lot harder than that because my wife and I did almost EVERYTHING together.


So, I'm glad I didn't pay for months and months of eH ahead of time. The last time I renewed was just before New Year's and I got 2 months for free with my renewel. 2 months, that I will likely not use.


I know now that any romantic relationship I get involved in at the moment (and there is someone who is interested in that with me) is going to be a transition and possibly even a rebound. Obviously, I'm going to have to let her know some how that I feel I'm not ready for a long term relationship and while I value her friendship, I'm not willing to risk hurting her with a possibly ugly rebound. Plus, I know in my heart that I would really be settling, and I don't want to do that.


So, what's next? I guess I have to take things one day at a time and enjoy my time with my friends. Vacations will be really hard because I don't like traveling alone, but I'm not sure how good of an idea it is to take a week off and hang around at home with just me and my brain. I have one vacation scheduled in August, but that's for a convention that's in town, so I'll be really busy and surrounded by people I like. I have more time scheduled for the time between Christmas and New Year's. That's also a busy time of year, plus it's 11 months away. So, I still have about a week left to use.


Part of me wants to go to Virginia Beach for a week. It would be inexpensive for me since I can use a timeshare there. I also have recently reconnected with a lot of high school classmates and I can spend some of my time there visiting with them. Likewise, I have friends in Texas I could go spend some time with, some of whom I grew up with when I lived in Germany. That would be slightly more expensive though, because it's about 5 hours longer to drive and I'd have to pay a transfer fee to use the Timeshare there. Still, that would be a true change of scenery, as I've never been to Texas before. Plus, I could combine that trip with a trip to a convention in June, thus giving myself something to do. Of course, neither of those solves my immediate needs.


Oh well, now I'm rambling. Just wanted to put some of my thoughts into words somewhere where people with shared experiences could read it.
- February 2nd, 2009, 08:21 am
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#1   Reply With Quote
tink333 tink333 is offline
tink333's Avatar

tink333 making beautiful music with JediSoth

Quick Study

Join Date: Jan 2009

Posts: 67

See profile












Jedi,


I think we all have an epiphany at some point as we begin to try to make sense of our life without the other half (our spouse) who made us whole. I'm not sure there is anything "wrong" per se about how you have proceeded, just that the important thing is that you have been trying to move forward. There are some very positive points you have made in your post:
  1. You have discovered relatively early in the current dating situation that a serious relationship is not what you need right now - this is good because neither you nor she have a lot of time invested so far. Think about how awful it would have been for both of you had this epiphany been another six months to a year in coming to you.
  2. Realizing that you don't want a rebound relationship is more than half the battle in preventing one from happening.
  3. Your EH membership has not been a complete waste, because I know there are a few friendships that have been forged here - if you had never joined, we would have never met nor become friends, and we would have missed all the input and insight you have contributed to the boards here on EHA.
  4. You have recognized that you like and need to be with people and have some good ideas of how fulfill that need - the vacation ideas sound great - reconnecting with old friends can be so helpful in the healing and growing process.





All of us are bound to make errors and course corrections as we navigate this uncharted territory. I believe none of us on this board have never lost a spouse prior to this, so we are all learning and helping each other find our way. You have recognized the need to make a course correction, developing a better knowledge of self is part of the healing process. How can you really expect to choose a mate if you have not truly assessed your needs and desires?


All of this is really good and actually healthy, but the part that maybe doesn't feel so good is that while the epiphany may have to come to you overnight, the actual transition takes a little longer. We need to be patient with ourselves and allow ourselves whatever time it takes us to get through it. And, it is good to have friends and family for support along the way.


Keep your chin up!
- February 2nd, 2009, 03:45 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#2   Reply With Quote
JediSoth JediSoth is offline
JediSoth's Avatar

JediSoth is ecstatic being with tink333.

Quick Study

Join Date: Jan 2009

Posts: 109

See profile



It's true, if I hadn't joined eH, I would probably not have found my way to these message boards.


I have a feeling that my down days aren't over. I'm stronger and more resiliant than a lot of people around me think I am, but I still need time to "get over it," insofar that you do get over something like this.


Maybe you don't get over it so much as you just learn to live with it. I just don't like the school of hard knocks, though.
- February 4th, 2009, 10:35 am
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#3   Reply With Quote
divadoc divadoc is offline
divadoc's Avatar

divadoc has been reeeeally busy....but still here!

Quick Study

Join Date: Jan 2009

Posts: 178

See profile



I'm with you....I don't like the way it feels either. However, my problems in life have always come about when I tried to escape from pain. (physical or emotional!) My therapist said to just let the pain lift me like an ocean wave, and then let it put me gently back down in the same place....don't try to fight it. Pain comes and goes like an ocean wave, and people who fight the waves have more struggles!





Sounds fine in theory....still hurts!
- February 7th, 2009, 04:52 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#4   Reply With Quote
sfo5000 sfo5000 is offline
sfo5000's Avatar

sfo5000 living day by day

Newbie

Join Date: Oct 2009

Posts: 2

See profile

I had done the same thing. Joining eharmony as I wanted a rebound when in reality it dosen't work like that. Every Woman is her own selif. And it may not work if we based the future on what we enjoyed in the past.
- October 29th, 2009, 09:31 am
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#5   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

j0hn8andy j0hn8andy is online now
j0hn8andy's Avatar

j0hn8andy .....Take off the Rings.....That's the Goal.....

Enthusiast

Join Date: Jun 2009

Posts: 949

See profile

Did anybody else notice that the OP and Tink are together now?

Jedi, I would say you named your Thread wrong. I don't know when you and Tink got together, but it's obvious to me from the picture of you both.....Somebody was doing something Right!

I hope you both come back and post again someday. I'd like to think this story will never end.....
- October 31st, 2009, 10:36 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#6   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

« Do you ask? | Array | Who is that behind the curtain? »
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Sexy women have a lot of charisma. Relationships, that sounds about right. Ouch I sound that bad eh. It's been a long trail. Other poster-he insulted men too? What in Arkansas did he say to ... ” – roguewolf1

Join the “Men Have All the Power” discussion

“I have read through some of the men's responses and see how we've changed societally since my dad was the sole supporter. I wouldn't ask financial questions the first date but ambition questions yes. ... ” – recyclerdave

Join the “Does a woman's financial well being, profession, and wage matter to the men?” discussion

“ A lot better than I thought it would, actually lol They were in the express line with a really large full cart. It was painfully obvious. Yeah. I guess things can always get worse. I could ... ” – j0hn8andy

Join the “Ever been Caught in the Wrong Line?” discussion

“I have two family members with celiac, so we've made a lot of accomodations as a family for that. It really hasn't been that difficult, though, since there are so many resources out there now for ... ” – neardc

Join the “Living Gluten Free” discussion

“I like to wrassle with elephants, race ants and swing from vines. Also I climbed Mt Everest on my lunch break while writing a 7,000 page thesis for Al Gore. When I'm not reading the whole law ... ” – roguewolf1

Join the “To Be Interesting, Have Some Interests” discussion

“It sounds like you are having to "ASK FOR HIS PERMISSION / APPROVAL and that is just not right in my humble male opinion. That makes me think he has little or no respect for you at all. He may be ... ” – Laughingdaily

Join the “Conflict over TV/movie habits.” discussion

“ LOOK OUT!” – PY_2

Join the “Ten Days Of Gratitude - Days 5 and 6” discussion

“ lol i was just pulling your leg. Looks like you guys had a great time. Relax. Just enjoy it.” – PY_2

Join the “always so paranoid” discussion



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:46 am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2009, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.3.0