vob123 is offline vob123 Post #1  February 21,2012, 7:22pm
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Hi all. I am new to eHarmony. I joined in late January and have gone on 2 first dates, and while both were fine (guy was pleasant, conversation wasn’t awkward) I did not feel any attraction or romantic spark with either.

So tonight I spoke on the phone with a guy I feel (felt?) very excited about meeting. We have a lot in common, and have exchanged a few emails. While we were talking, he asked me what my experience on eHarmony had been like so far, and I told him I was new to it and had 2 “OK” dates that were not going to go any further. He said that he has been on eHarmony on and off for a few years, and has had a couple of relationships with women he has met on it.

I thought the conversation was going well, but then he started a line of questioning that made me feel a little strange. When talking about where we lived (we live in a large city, but in the same general neighborhood) he asked me if I rented or owned. I thought it was a bit strange, but did answer. A bit later in the conversation, when talking about where we went to college, he asked if I had paid for college myself, if my parents had paid for it, or if I had student loans. Again, a bit weird, but I answered. He then asked me for the name of the company I work for, and then asked me where they were headquartered. I kind of laughed this one off, and said it was a company he had never heard of- as we are very small. He already knows my last name, as we moved to “real” email a few days ago, and he gave me his work email.

Is this normal? Something about it felt weird to me. I can’t decide why exactly I feel so strange about it. I am in my late 30’s and he is in his late 40’s, if that matters. Do you think he is just trying to get an idea of my financial situation? Would that bother anyone else? Is this common for people in their late 30's- and on to ask these types of questions? Thanks for any input.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #2  February 21,2012, 11:00pm
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The questions he asked are fine.....it depends on your privacy if you want to give that info out. You can find out alot on people by googling their name and knowing some other info such as where they work.


Not sure of your ages...but the question of how college was paid for will say something if you have tons of student loans that he may not be interested in dating someone who is heavily burdened with loan debt.


Asking about renting or owning is a fair question. Its learning about you. If you happen to communicate with someone say a couple hours away or in the same city as you says how settled you are in where you live. If you bought a home says you are planning on staying there for some time. He may be in a field that involves alot of moving around if you want to advance in your career or his career is the time to move around frequently.

As for the dates.....love at first sight is not being realistic. Remember unlike your past dating experiences when you dated in the real world such as dating in high school or college...you knew them some time before actually dating them.

Online is different. You didnt see them face to face before talking to them. The first meeting is different. The rules you should follow is.....If the first date was good, you had good conversation and enjoyed your time and there wer no obvious red flags with the person you should always have a second date with the person befotre deciding any sort of attraction.

There are numerous example of love occuring not on first sight but after going out a few times.


A common problem with many when it comes to online dating is "the grass is greener" where they know they have a bazillion profiles they can choose from so why not find that mr/ms 110% and ignore mr/ms 80% by being petty and finding faults in things that are really not importnat when it comes to relationships and marriage.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #3  February 22,2012, 1:20am
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Huge red flags! These are questions for credit applications not dating interests. Casing out your financial status as well as your employer (specifically) is way off base.

Think about it.... they are irrelevant in setting up a date / meet.

He has serious financial issues if these are the first conversation questions.... either burned in his divorce or looking for women whose financial standing /credit could benefit him.
Trust your gut in this and ditch this one.....Good Luck...
vob123 wrote :
He said that he has been on eHarmony on and off for a few years

he asked me if I rented or owned.

he asked if I had paid for college myself, if my parents had paid for it, or if I had student loans.

He then asked me for the name of the company I work for, and then asked me where they were headquartered.

He already knows my last name, as we moved to “real” email a few days ago, and he gave me his work email.

Is this normal?

I am in my late 30’s and he is in his late 40’.
 
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OlderButWiser0549 is online now OlderButWiser0549 Post #4  February 22,2012, 2:05am
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vob123 wrote :
Is this normal? Something about it felt weird to me. I can’t decide why exactly I feel so strange about it. I am in my late 30’s and he is in his late 40’s, if that matters. Do you think he is just trying to get an idea of my financial situation? Would that bother anyone else? Is this common for people in their late 30's- and on to ask these types of questions? Thanks for any input.
All this was in your very first phone conversation with the guy, right? If so, then I'd say his questioning was WAY out of line: at the very least it was arrogant, intrusive, disrespectful of boundaries, and revealed a bloated sense of entitlement.

NEXT.
 
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NikkNakk is offline NikkNakk Post #5  February 22,2012, 3:32am
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This would have sent up huge red flags for me as well. I think he is getting too personal in his questions for only being the first phone conversation.
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #6  February 22,2012, 4:28am
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Well, I guess a positive way to look at it could be that he's financially responsible and is looking for someone who is equally so. A less positive motivation could be that he's trying to figure out your financial situation because he's looking for money. Unfortunately, I think the latter situation is probably more likely.

Years ago, I dated someone who thought the potential sale price of my home and probably my entire portfolio would be an excellent infusion into his money pit of a house out in the middle of nowhere. After that experience, those questions before even meeting would certainly raise red flags.

If you still want to meet him, then by all means do so. That said, I would certainly suggest being cautious.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #7  February 22,2012, 5:21am
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This is from a thread about gigolos and fortune hunters....they are almost always extremely "curious" about your net worth right up front..
VolGal wrote :
There is a subset of men who look for women needing "fixer-uppers". They are buff, know how to treat a woman well, like driving nice cars, and have absolutely no intention of working at anything to earn a living. With a wonderful woman, provides you wonderful health care insurance, and as long as you show up to be the buff man with her at every social event, you have your ticket and life made.
Yes, believe it. That is the new normal for successful women...
Agree:
barbarella_42 wrote :
he's trying to figure out your financial situation because he's looking for money.
Years ago, I dated someone who thought the potential sale price of my home and probably my entire portfolio would be an excellent infusion into his money pit of a house out in the middle of nowhere. After that experience, those questions before even meeting would certainly raise red flags.
I would certainly suggest being cautious.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  February 22,2012, 5:29am
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First phone call and he asked these questions to you I would next him right away. These are not appropriate questions in a first phone talk. This stuff comes out naturally as one gets to know another.
 
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vob123 is offline vob123 Post #9  February 22,2012, 6:04am
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Thanks so much for the responses. I'm glad it wasn't just me being paranoid, and others feel that those questions were really inappropriate for a first phone conversation. I didn't get the impression that he was a grifter so much as that he has been doing this (online dating) for a long time, is burned out on it, and is trying to weed out *any* potential problems early on by asking a series of questions- not realizing how intrusive some of them are. What he was asking me is info that, like another poster said, gets uncovered naturally as you get to know someone. Bummer- I think this has put me off meeting him. Ah well. Thanks again everyone!
 
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ScottK is offline ScottK Post #10  February 22,2012, 6:57am
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barbarella_42 wrote :
Well, I guess a positive way to look at it could be that he's financially responsible and is looking for someone who is equally so. A less positive motivation could be that he's trying to figure out your financial situation because he's looking for money. Unfortunately, I think the latter situation is probably more likely.
He is definitely way out of bounds, and should NOT be asking those questions yet.

As for what he is fishing for?
I am leaning towards the 'former' camp of your speculations above...

He might have been burned by a gold digger kind-of-gal last time, and maybe he is trying to make sure his new gal has at least some financial stability.

But again, why do that right away? It is just tacky and lame.
He can wait, and slowly ask these kinds of questions as their relationship grows.

Strange to say the least.
 
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