Deleted eH profile, but considering again..


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cbm64 is offline cbm64 Post #1  February 7,2012, 8:28am
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Sorry for this long, kinda rambling post, but I have a few questions that need explaining... I'm a 37 YO man, by the way.

I had deleted my eHarmony profile a few months ago out of total frustration. I've been off and on for 3-6 month stretches since May 2010, and have been trying other sites. I do prefer sites like eH and Chemistry where they at least try to match you on similar/complementary personalities and/or interests rather than just pulling names out of an electronic fishbowl of sorts. I currently have a subscription over at Chemistry that expires in early April and had a first date with someone from there recently with a second date coming soon. However, there's always the chance this won't work out and I've noticed that the matches from Chemistry have thinned out noticeably and are coming from farther away - as if they're having a hard time finding more people closer to where I live. So I'm considering what I want to do next incase this isn't a temporary "lull" on that site.

Despite my lack of success with eH, it still seems like there aren't really any other good options out there for sites that match on more than just the superficial stuff. I might see if I can talk their salespeople into giving me a "welcome back" discount or something since calling them up seemed to have worked for others . Unless somebody can suggest some other site that I'm not aware of?

I tried match.com for a while and got one first date out of it but no second date (my decision). What I didn't like about match.com, aside from being matched along somewhat more superificial lines, was trying to motivate myself to type up short, but nice, e-mails to strangers mentioning stuff in their profile to show my interest but all the while knowing that I had a slim chance of getting a response no matter how well I wrote. At least eH and Chemistry offer some form of guided communication to break the ice. A little less personal, perhaps, but a little easier to shrug it off when they don't respond.

One concern I have with going back to eH is that since I deleted my profile, I think I have to re-take the personality test and will basically be starting over. I'm worried about being re-matched with a lot of the same people I saw before. I don't want to pay to review profiles of women where there was no mutual interest. I'm sure many of them don't want to see my profile again. Has anybody done this? What was your experience?

I had posted my profile last year here for review incase anybody wants to look (Profile review, please - Male 36). It seemed like I got good feedback with some minor changes suggested that I did make. But still I had little success (one date who I did NOT want to see again).

I've never posted my photos before, but I've been thinking for the past few months that maybe they are part of the problem. One was a shot of me taken by my sister on her cell phone. The other was taken by a friend who's sorta of a pro, but I thought he got a little carried away (and my sister said I looked like I was punching myself ). I posted them in my album. Would I benefit from having a real pro take them? I'm usually the guy taking pictures, so there aren't many of me around.

I'm kinda looking for ideas on how to improve things now that I'm not as frustrated like I was when I wiped out my account a few months ago. Maybe there's something I can do. Or nothing to do but just try again. Any thoughts?

Thanks,
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #2  February 8,2012, 7:04am
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I'm in your age range, so probably in your target audience. From my perspective, you need the following:

#1 - Decent photos
The semi-pro photo is highly posed and just looks "fake." I automatically assume that you look nothing like your image when I see these types of photos. I like the quality of the image though, so see if you can borrow his camera, and have a woman take candid shots of you with it. I love that you are smiling and seem warm and welcoming. So many guys think it's "cool" to glower at the camera. It's just off-putting.

The cell phone photo: There is a woman's purse and a lot of clutter behind you. Additionally, all I see on your desk are two large yellow phone books...odd for someone who claims to be a computer type. It would leave a question in my mind about what you actually do.

At a minimum, you need a good headshot AND a full body shot that shows everything from the tip of your head to the ground under your feet. No squatting down. No sitting. No bulky winter clothing. No headgear. No sunglasses. No large objects partially obscuring you. Your match should easily be able to pick you out of a crowd based on your photos...because, that's what she'll have to do, should you actually meet.

No scenery shots. No pet shots. I'm not interested in dating the beach at sunset or someone's dog. I'm trying to decide whether to date you.

#2 - Your profile needs detail
I have no sense of who you are or what makes you tick. While your profile is well-written, I was bored. It was all bland background to me. To borrow from another poster: Are you Garth or Madonna or Metallica? Beer or cocktails? F-150 or Prius? What exactly am I getting? Don't be coy.

#3 - Open Communication
You're not assertive enough in OC. Pick up the pace! Most guys include their phone number in their first e-mail and/or make it clear that they are interested in meeting as soon as I feel comfortable, but will work with whatever pace I choose. Occasionally, I do get a match who seems to flounder aimlessly once we get to OC. After the second pointless e-mail questioning my favorite this or that, I stop responding and move on to someone else. Every woman is different. Timid and uncertain may work for some. It really doesn't for me. Generally, from the time we exchange first questions until he actually asks for a date takes anywhere from 2 days to a week.

#4 - Questions vs. Straight to E-mail
While I much prefer going through Guided Communication, I've dated guys who've approached me either via questions or going direct to e-mail. Your e-mail has to be pretty compelling if you go that route, but looking at my stats, guys who used e-mail were more likely to get to a date.

Hope that helps. Best of luck!
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  February 8,2012, 7:57am
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I agree with all the feedback above. While the professional photo is of a noticeably better quality the effect of the pose is that it looks rather cheesy. I'd have this person take more pictures of you out and about when you are posing more naturally.
 
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cbm64 is offline cbm64 Post #4  February 9,2012, 7:27pm
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emma_hazards wrote :
I'm in your age range, so probably in your target audience. From my perspective, you need the following:

#1 - Decent photos
The semi-pro photo is highly posed and just looks "fake." I automatically assume that you look nothing like your image when I see these types of photos. I like the quality of the image though, so see if you can borrow his camera, and have a woman take candid shots of you with it. I love that you are smiling and seem warm and welcoming. So many guys think it's "cool" to glower at the camera. It's just off-putting.
Thank you. I'm glad I posted those photos now. I really had a nagging suspicion that the photos were part of the problem. Looks like I was right.

The guy who took that photo is a narcissist (husband of a friend who's way too good for him, so I put up with him for her sake and their son's sake). So approaching him again is out. He'll claim the photo is perfectly fine. Besides which, it doesn't help that he guided me into dating a crazy woman who, having met her and talked to her for a while, should've known something was amiss with her. She apparently turned down marriage proposals in the past and tried to come onto him. No surprise now that she dumped me twice. But I digress.

I actually do have a decent digital SLR camera myself. The problem is I know nobody else I would trust to take a decent picture of me (I love my friends & family, but he was the only one that I felt comfortable with asking in spite of his narcissism). So I may have to shell out for a pro. Fortunately, I came across the website of a pro in my hometown who's willing to do a session at home which I thought would seem less obvious than studio photos with those plain/fake backgrounds they use.

wrote :
The cell phone photo: There is a woman's purse and a lot of clutter behind you. Additionally, all I see on your desk are two large yellow phone books...odd for someone who claims to be a computer type. It would leave a question in my mind about what you actually do.
Interesting point. That impression never entered my mind. My sister snapped that in her office, hence the woman's purse.

wrote :
At a minimum, you need a good headshot AND a full body shot that shows everything from the tip of your head to the ground under your feet. No squatting down. No sitting. No bulky winter clothing. No headgear. No sunglasses. No large objects partially obscuring you. Your match should easily be able to pick you out of a crowd based on your photos...because, that's what she'll have to do, should you actually meet.

No scenery shots. No pet shots. I'm not interested in dating the beach at sunset or someone's dog. I'm trying to decide whether to date you.
I'll keep that in mind regardless of who takes the next set of photos. If you saw those scenery photos in my album, I uploaded them just for fun. I've never used them on any profile I've ever posted.

wrote :
#2 - Your profile needs detail
I have no sense of who you are or what makes you tick. While your profile is well-written, I was bored. It was all bland background to me. To borrow from another poster: Are you Garth or Madonna or Metallica? Beer or cocktails? F-150 or Prius? What exactly am I getting? Don't be coy.
This may be tough for me. I'm an engineer so I tend to write that way because it's how I have to write in my line of work. I guess I'll have to poke around on these boards and read some of the men's profiles that got good reviews.

wrote :
#3 - Open Communication
You're not assertive enough in OC. Pick up the pace! Most guys include their phone number in their first e-mail and/or make it clear that they are interested in meeting as soon as I feel comfortable, but will work with whatever pace I choose. Occasionally, I do get a match who seems to flounder aimlessly once we get to OC. After the second pointless e-mail questioning my favorite this or that, I stop responding and move on to someone else. Every woman is different. Timid and uncertain may work for some. It really doesn't for me. Generally, from the time we exchange first questions until he actually asks for a date takes anywhere from 2 days to a week.
This was something I was unsure about and still am not. Trying to be more assertive in OC didn't seem to change my luck. Perhaps it was just the wrong matches at the wrong time (i.e. women who were only half-interested to begin with and just stopped responding once they got the number and request to meet).

wrote :
#4 - Questions vs. Straight to E-mail
While I much prefer going through Guided Communication, I've dated guys who've approached me either via questions or going direct to e-mail. Your e-mail has to be pretty compelling if you go that route, but looking at my stats, guys who used e-mail were more likely to get to a date.

Hope that helps. Best of luck!
It does. Thank you for taking the time go look at my profile and old posts.
 
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cbm64 is offline cbm64 Post #5  February 9,2012, 7:38pm
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boschimsp wrote :
I agree with all the feedback above. While the professional photo is of a noticeably better quality the effect of the pose is that it looks rather cheesy. I'd have this person take more pictures of you out and about when you are posing more naturally.
Thank you. Please see my response to emma_hazards (once a moderator approves it). The semi-pro photo was taken by a narcissist who is pretty much on a certain type of list of mine these days. As I said, I still put up with him because his wife is a friend (like a big sister that I never had) and I've known her longer. But I minimize my contact with him.

I think I may have to hire a pro as I said because as much as I love my friends & family, I just don't think they'll take a good photo. Not saying I'm an awesome photographer myself, but I think if you saw how they react whenever I've handed them my digital SLR camera, you'd see what I mean. I also don't want red-eye or reflections in my glasses (which have to stay on because that is my normal, everyday appearance).
 
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jov27 is offline jov27 Post #6  February 10,2012, 6:13am
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I thought the phone photo was fine. Not a great photo, but a fine addition to a group of photos. Like someone else said, I like your expression. I always think people have better, more natural expressions when they are looking at someone they like. I agree about the other one. I don't like it.

If you have a camera, then you can actually try taking some yourself. Figure out how to set it to delay and preferably take a series of 10 shots in a row. It's easiest with a tripod, but if you don't have one, you can balance the camera on a shelf, countertop, ladder, etc.

The camera should be about level with your face, or a bit higher. Look through the back or on the screen as you set it up, and take one test shot. You can crop it later. Then when it starts taking photos, you can move a bit to vary the photos. Try to think about looking at someone you like. That improves the facial expression.

Do this in more than one place with different clothes. Take lots of photos. Take a set of 10, look at them, adjust what you're doing and take 10 more. At least 20 in each set up. Real pros take lots and lots and may pick only 1 out of a 100. It also helps you relax and even have fun doing it

But surely you do some things with friends that you might bring a camera to. Even a party. Take some photos of friends and then ask other people to take a photo of you with the group, etc. An activity photo with a few other folks is a fine addition. Sometimes one will be good enough to crop an upper body for a profile photo.
 
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mitchell175 is online now mitchell175 Post #7  February 10,2012, 7:12am
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cbm64 wrote :
One concern I have with going back to eH is that since I deleted my profile, I think I have to re-take the personality test and will basically be starting over. I'm worried about being re-matched with a lot of the same people I saw before. I don't want to pay to review profiles of women where there was no mutual interest. I'm sure many of them don't want to see my profile again. Has anybody done this? What was your experience?
One of the big drawbacks with EH is that you cannot simply take your profile out of rotation by "hiding" it like you can on other sites. Sure, you can "turn off matching" so that you won't receive any new matches (and they won't see your profile, either) but that does nothing to hide your profile from existing matches. Because of that, many people completely delete their profile when they decide they are "done with EH" - only to come back later for another go at it. Then you're starting over again from square one.

Of course, if you answer the personality questions differently than you did last time you might get a different set of matches. I am not advocating making up different answers so that you get different matches, but you're not likely to answer every single question in exactly the same way the second time around. However, it seems that you should be able to call EH customer service and see if they can "rescue" your previous profile. I don't know if that's possible, but it's worth a shot. If EH can do that, perhaps they can "auto close" all of your previous matches so that you can start with a clean slate.

cbm64 wrote :
Despite my lack of success with eH, it still seems like there aren't really any other good options out there for sites that match on more than just the superficial stuff. I might see if I can talk their salespeople into giving me a "welcome back" discount or something since calling them up seemed to have worked for others . Unless somebody can suggest some other site that I'm not aware of?
You should be able to get at least a $19.95/month rate for a 3 month subscription. EH customer service will probably strong arm you first into taking the "best deal" at something like $60/month but if you are persistent and ask for what you want, you should be able to get a much better deal. Good luck!
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #8  February 10,2012, 7:41am
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If you're having consistant problems getting to meet women regardless of the site then either the population of single people in your area is really low or it's your photos. Unless you have something really offensive in your written profile!
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #9  February 10,2012, 7:42am
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if you still have "maybe" on the children tick box I think you need to make a decision on whether that is a yes or a no.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  February 10,2012, 8:21am
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cbm64 wrote :
....The guy who took that photo is a narcissist (husband of a friend who's way too good for him, so I put up with him for her sake and their son's sake). So approaching him again is out. He'll claim the photo is perfectly fine. Besides which, it doesn't help that he guided me into dating a crazy woman who, having met her and talked to her for a while, should've known something was amiss with her. She apparently turned down marriage proposals in the past and tried to come onto him. No surprise now that she dumped me twice. But I digress.....
We're talking about your profile here and already with no prompting you;ve off loaded a load of bitterness about a girl who "dumped me twice".

What I read is someone you lacks judgement, doesn't take responsibility and allows himself to be forced to do things ie. forced to accept the photo, forced to date this girl.

My point is..... if you're going off on a tangent and off loading this baggage onto Emma when it really has nothing to do with the topic, you're likely to be like this when you're emailing people or in person.

Even if it just takes a little bit of nudge.


Reverse the roles here and imagine a girl who told you this in an email or conversation:-

"The girl who took my profile photo is a narcissist (wife of a friend who's way too good for her, so I put up with her for his sake and their son's sake). .......... and it doesn't help that she guided me into dating a crazy man who, having met him and talked to him for a while, should've known something was amiss with him. He apparently turned down marriage proposals in the past and tried to come onto her. No surprise now that he dumped me twice. But I digress"


I think your profile photos are part of the problem but suspect you also talk to people and off load baggage that puts them off.
 
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