whateverheather is offline whateverheather Post #1  January 25,2012, 11:29pm
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I was matched with a guy a few weeks ago who seemed very genuine, insightful, smart, compassionate, and most of all - honest. We went through the guided communication process over the course of about a week and a half. We've talked on the phone twice in the past week and have a date scheduled for this Sunday night. Last time we talked, which was 48 hours ago, he confirmed our upcoming date and we talked for 2 hours. I've been busy since then and just logged into the site tonight to find that he closed me. I wondered what time he closed me so I closed him back so that I could see the time stamp. All it said was "you closed ____ on January 25 at 8:43 PM PST. ____ closed you on." There was NO time stamp to let me know how recently he closed me. The last time he viewed my profile was January 24 (day after our last conversation).

Did this dude actually close me? The time stamp thing makes me wonder. He was all about honesty and "I would always make a point of treating a woman the way that I would want a man to treat my daughter, even if I wasn't romantically interested in her." He seemed respectful of other people's feelings until all of this happened. I feel hurt. If he decided he just wasn't that into me, that's ok, but not letting me know wasn't cool.

He's been "legally separated" for years and is still not legally divorced. And he has herpes. Normally just one of these facts would have been complete deal breakers. But he seemed so genuine and sweet that I was willing to get to know him better and see where things went.

Anyone have any words of wisdom? This is an awful feeling.

Thanks,

whateverheather
 
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RockyRaccoon83 is offline RockyRaccoon83 Post #2  January 25,2012, 11:54pm
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It could be that since he figured you guys were actually going on a date now that there was no point in keeping you open on eharmony. It still is odd behavior - and you do deserve to know whether you're actually going to go out on Sunday as opposed to get stood up. I'd text or call him and simply ask - say, hey, I saw you closed me, are we still on?

And I can empathize with how awful of a feeling it is, but at least it's happening pretty early in the interaction and really, you don't even really know him yet. If he really did poof, you can safely chalk it up as being his personal issues and that you totally dodged a bullet, because normal people don't behave like that.
Last edited by RockyRaccoon83; January 25,2012 at 11:57pm.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #3  January 26,2012, 1:37am
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Not being legally divorced is a violation of the eH Terms of Service. eH may have canceled his account, because one of his other matches reported him. This would automatically "close " all his matches.

This and his STD would be more disconcerting than eH glitches, timestamps, etc. Contact customer service regarding his account....Good Luck..
whateverheather wrote :
Last time we talked, which was 48 hours ago, he confirmed our upcoming date and we talked for 2 hours.
is still not legally divorced.
 
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Nobodyherebutme is offline Nobodyherebutme Post #4  January 26,2012, 5:22am
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I can sympathize with you! I related in an earlier thread how a match and I had set a tentative date for a face-to-face, so I was petty optimistic and then she suddenly vanished. Things like this are indeed very disappointing. I think rockyraccon83 has the right idea. My philosophy now is that until I actually meet someone, it's not real. Until we actually meet...well.....talk is cheap. The willingness to actually meet is one of the definitive steps. No matter how optimistic I was with my previously mentioned match, there really was no guarantee that she was what she seemed to be, or that she was even serious about the whole thing. For me at least, until I actually meet someone in person all bets are off! I suppose this is partially a defense mechanism, but you can't beat yourself up over things you'll probably never know.
Good luck on EH!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #5  January 26,2012, 5:59am
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whateverheather wrote :
I was matched with a guy a few weeks ago who seemed very genuine, insightful, smart, compassionate, and most of all - honest.

He's been "legally separated" for years and is still not legally divorced. And he has herpes. Normally just one of these facts would have been complete deal breakers. But he seemed so genuine and sweet that I was willing to get to know him better and see where things went.

How does someone "seem" honest in a profile or through email? Honesty is a character trait that can only be determined over time, IRL time where they say things and provide demonstrable actions that confirm what they say.

So my first words of wisdom are: Don't assume you know anything about anybody from a profile and a few emails/phone calls.

Next, the guy's got two of what you term complete dealbreakers, but you chose to overlook them because of character traits you were assigning based on his words in his profile and email (phone too?). Judge based on what a person does - not what they say. Now, the fact that you know he has herpes is in his favor (because he disclosed this up front) and that wouldn't necesssarily be a dealbreaker for me, but if it is for you, you need to ask yourself why you're willing to abandon that dealbreaker for the illusionary person you've created in your mind - because you don't know the real person yet. I get where this disclosure might make him "seem" honest, but in reality you know very little else about him other than he has two dealbreakers that you're willing to overlook. Also, at this point, it only indicates that he's honest about that particular item.

The separated for years/never divorced. That's an action that tells you a lot. He's not available for commitment. Period. Why would you take that on?

All that said, I typically close matches once we've established communicaton outside eH just to keep the clutter down in my inbox. I do usually tell them first that I'm doing so.

If you like the guy and you've been in contact outside the system, ask him about it, non-defensively.

But I can't imagine where you expect a relationship with a still-married (no matter how emotionally disentangled) man to go.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; January 26,2012 at 7:36am.
 
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nick222 is offline nick222 Post #6  January 26,2012, 8:01am
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I had a few matches who, like RR said, closed communication with me on eH, even though they were still interested, because we were communicating through other means. It was rare, but happened enough that I'd consider it worth checking to see if that was the case.

Also, Wiseman is correct that it's a violation of eH's terms for separated people to participate. It's possible that his account was closed, though I think when that happens it tells you the account is closed, rather than telling you the match was closed. I could be wrong. I personally wouldn't report someone for being separated, because I believe they have the right to pursue dating through the same channels as the rest of us. Live and let live and all of that. There are people here who disagree on that issue, though (particularly those who work for eH, of course), and will tell you that you should report the person. It's your call.

Regardless, if I were interested in the person, we had established communication outside of eH, and everything seemed to be moving in the right direction, I would contact them to see if they were still interested rather than assuming a closed match meant a lack of interest.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  January 26,2012, 8:43am
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I do agree that although being closed may seem harsh if you still have a date on the books I would consider it still on. As others have said, for whatever reason some people choose to close matches once they are communicating with them through other means.

That said, I personally would report him for being separated and not divorced. Whether you personally believe he has the the right to find a date through online means it's against eHarmony's terms. And while it may not be a deal breaker for you I think because it is a perimeter of being a part of the site many people will see people who aren't legitimately divorced as being deceptive.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  January 27,2012, 7:14am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
Not being legally divorced is a violation of the eH Terms of Service. eH may have canceled his account, because one of his other matches reported him. This would automatically "close " all his matches.

This and his STD would be more disconcerting than eH glitches, timestamps, etc. Contact customer service regarding his account....Good Luck..
This ^^^

I will add that while it can sometimes take a couple of years for a divorce to get all processed when there financial issues, business entanglements or one of the people is just being difficult, anyone who has been "separated for years" is not a good match nor are they being honest.
Last edited by Gr8Guyn2008; January 27,2012 at 7:18am. Reason: Added thought.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  January 27,2012, 7:22am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
Not being legally divorced is a violation of the eH Terms of Service. eH may have canceled his account, because one of his other matches reported him. This would automatically "close " all his matches.

This and his STD would be more disconcerting than eH glitches, timestamps, etc. Contact customer service regarding his account....Good Luck..
Unless there has been a change in the way eHarmony handles matches that are closed for violations, they send a notification that the match has been found to not be "a good person" and that you should stop all communication with that match if you have moved to personal communications.
 
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