Confused about the yes/no/maybe want children match situation


Reply
  • Page 2 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
jme21 is offline jme21 Post #11  January 11,2012, 11:47am
jme21's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Nov 2010

Posts: 346

See profile

DancingFool wrote :
Any truly "yes" match is likely to be turned off by your wishy washy attitude on the subject regardless. A decision whether or not to have children is a big one with life long consequences in either direction. It's not the same as I don't really want to have a dog, but if he really really wants one, I guess I'll be fine with that as long he cleans up after it. For the absolute majority of people out there, children is a clear cut yes or no deal and those who choose "maybe" usually mean "yes, but not right now." Not knowing what you really want kind of makes you a minority - not implying that this is good or bad, just stating a fact.
Agreed. I'll close out people that only specify maybe. They may have perfectly valid reasons, but to me, specifying maybe means they aren't sure what they want which is an unattractive quality. I want someone who is emphatically a yes and not someone that's of the opinion "well, I could be swayed if my partner really wants a kid', that aloof mentality would concern me about the quality of their potential motherhood.
 
  Reply With Quote
Nedrob is offline Nedrob Post #12  January 11,2012, 12:02pm
Nedrob's Avatar

2 mehs out of 3

Unregistered

Joined: Jan 2012

Toronto

Posts: 47

See profile

Ah, that probably explains it. When I first answered, I said 'maybe' because the question included adoption which I could be persuaded into some day. Breeding, on the other hand, is right out, and so I changed my answer to make that clear. My matches probably haven't updated yet.

DancingFool wrote :
Any truly "yes" match is likely to be turned off by your wishy washy attitude on the subject regardless.
I think it depends on the demographic. The urbanised, late teens early 20-somethings don't have their lives planed out. Heavens, most of us can't even decide what kind of job we want. So I think for us 'maybe' isn't wishy-washy but rather it implies that 'honestly, I haven't given it enough thought'
 
  Reply With Quote
ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #13  January 11,2012, 2:49pm
ami1uwant's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2008

Seattle, WA

Posts: 4,640

See profile

prettydarncute wrote :
Confused newbie here.

When I first joined eHarmony, I put down "Maybe" for wanting children. I don't feel a burning desire to have them, but if I found a partner than really wanted one, I would consider and most likely have one. I believe that life can be rewarding either with or without kids, and I can see my life being wonderful with the right partner either way.

Anyway, I noticed that as a "Maybe" person, I was never matched with people who chose "No" as their preference -- just the yeses and other maybes. It didn't make sense to me that every single guy in my metro area is a "Yes" or a "Maybe", so I recently changed my preferences to "No" to see what happened.

And well, there are a ton of great guys out there who are "No" on children! So why is eHarmony hiding these guys from me?

Is something in the settings or algorithm wrong?

Anyone have any insight on this?

They could have changed the algortihm since but when I was a member

I was a yes and I was matched with maybe and no....reason I had a low importantce level on this. If I had a high importantce then it will exclude matches.

Its possible theyre default setting is now on high priority so if you say maybe you are matched with maybe..if you say no you are matched with no.
 
  Reply With Quote
emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #14  January 12,2012, 5:57am
emma_hazards's Avatar

Perky!

Veteran

Joined: Sep 2011

Posts: 1,918

See profile

Yeses and maybes match with each other. Nos match with other nos.

Agree with DancingFool. Having children is not the same as deciding whether or not to get a pet.
 
  Reply With Quote
jov27 is offline jov27 Post #15  January 12,2012, 7:50am
jov27's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Jan 2010

IL

Posts: 364

See profile

How this works practically also depends on age. I agree than when you're younger 'maybe' is probably not a good match for anyone who is clearly a 'yes' or 'no.'

Once you're middle aged, then it seems to me that it flips a bit. "Maybe" in middle age usually means: If my partner is a younger woman and wants to have a baby I'll think about it. Or for a woman maybe can mean: If my partner wants to adopt or there's a reason to take in a grandchild, I'm open to considering it. No is more clearly no. And some older men say "yes" because they want to hit 'reset' and have kids if they haven't before.

Women over 45 who say 'no' because they can't have kids, often find more matches if they switch to 'maybe' now and then, since so many men over 50 say 'maybe.'
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #16  January 13,2012, 7:25am
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

prettydarncute wrote :
Nedrob -- I just called customer service and had a little chat with them about this, and I am not quite sure how you are getting Maybes and Yeses when you are a No -- they said that was not possible.

Basically, the gist is this:

You choose Yes, you get Yeses and Maybes
You choose Maybe, you get Yeses and Maybes
You choose No, you only get other Nos

I asked them if there was anything they could do to open my profile up to all answers, and they said no. I asked them about switching and they said that was the only way to go.

The only problem with that is that let's say I am a Maybe for a week and get some Yes matches. Then the next week I switch myself to a No (in order to see my No matches), aren't the Yes matches who might be looking at my profile going to be turned off?

Perhaps this is something I need to explain in my profile.
The basic answer is that eHarmony does not understand basic logic (you and I both do). At least you did get an answer from Customer Care and it was at least correct.

Your best solution is to to change your setting from Yes or Maybe for a week or two to No for a week or two

I don't think that your matches will see that you change your Want Children setting. I think that they will see what the setting was when the match was delivered.
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #17  January 13,2012, 7:52am
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

DancingFool wrote :
Any truly "yes" match is likely to be turned off by your wishy washy attitude on the subject regardless. A decision whether or not to have children is a big one with life long consequences in either direction. It's not the same as I don't really want to have a dog, but if he really really wants one, I guess I'll be fine with that as long he cleans up after it. For the absolute majority of people out there, children is a clear cut yes or no deal and those who choose "maybe" usually mean "yes, but not right now." Not knowing what you really want kind of makes you a minority - not implying that this is good or bad, just stating a fact.
Possibly (likely) my view is colored by my age, and I don't know the OP's age. But I don't entirely agree with you. Certainly there are those who want children at all costs and there are certainly those who want nothing to do with any children, period.

But I know plenty of people who, like the OP are open to having children but will not be devastated and feel that they have an empty life and are a failure if they reach a ripe old age without having had children. This is the person who is open to discussion and is not going to rule out someone on a dating site because they have clicked on a checkbox in their profile. Choosing Maybe does not make one wishy-washy. Sadly eHarmony does not understand proper logic where "Maybe" = "don't care" and matches to both "yes" and "no".

And based on my lengthy experience on eHarmony and other dating sites my matches, women in their 50s, are more apt to choose Maybe for the children question. Most guys in the 50+ age group select No. This means that there are a boatload of people that eHarmony will not match because of this one setting that may well be very compatible and are actually on the same page with regard to want to have children. Do you really think that a 55 year old woman really wants to start a new family? Could she?

I suspect that many people view the question as "Will you accept your match's (mate's) child(ren) as your own?" and then answer Yes or possibly Maybe.

Another perspective on this question, particularly from an older viewpoint is, would I be willing to accept my match's (young) grandchildren into my home if they were to lose their parents, i.e. would I adopt or raise my match's grandchildren if they became orphaned.
 
  Reply With Quote
emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #18  January 13,2012, 8:33am
emma_hazards's Avatar

Perky!

Veteran

Joined: Sep 2011

Posts: 1,918

See profile

The OP is a woman in her 30's. (I reviewed her profile.) She is not a guy in his 50's or 60's. Of all the people who should know whether they want children or not, it is a (childless) woman at this age.

I have disagreed with jme about this when it comes to women in their 20's who are undecided or unsure. But at this age, I absolutely agree with him and DancingFool. Having no clear idea of what you want at this particular juncture strikes me as a major issue.
 
  Reply With Quote
jov27 is offline jov27 Post #19  January 13,2012, 9:12am
jov27's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Jan 2010

IL

Posts: 364

See profile

Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
And based on my lengthy experience on eHarmony and other dating sites my matches, women in their 50s, are more apt to choose Maybe for the children question. Most guys in the 50+ age group select No. This means that there are a boatload of people that eHarmony will not match because of this one setting that may well be very compatible and are actually on the same page with regard to want to have children. Do you really think that a 55 year old woman really wants to start a new family? Could she?

I suspect that many people view the question as "Will you accept your match's (mate's) child(ren) as your own?" and then answer Yes or possibly Maybe.

Another perspective on this question, particularly from an older viewpoint is, would I be willing to accept my match's (young) grandchildren into my home if they were to lose their parents, i.e. would I adopt or raise my match's grandchildren if they became orphaned.
My experience is that MEN are the most likely to check maybe. When I toggle to 'no' I get very few matches, when I toggle to 'maybe' I get lots, my full 7 a day. I began with 'no' when I first signed up, ran out of matches in a few weeks, then learned to move it to 'maybe' and boy - got lots more matches over a couple of months. That's held true over my on and off EH experience. When I toggled back to 'no' I got maybe 3 matches at a time, days apart.

Perhaps it's in part regional. Really - as I have note, do 60 year old men really want more babies? I think that many would like the 38 year old woman who wants them. For women who want to be matched to men their own age who consider themselves youthful, 'maybe' is required. And as you note, there are other ways one might become responsible for kids, even older.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 2 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Question about OC | Using eHarmony | No effort »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Query on match settings BabyYoda Using eHarmony 10 September 11,2010 5:58pm
mixed feelings about a match (interesting situation) reenz Using eHarmony 13 June 23,2010 4:50pm
confused situation..... appleny Dating 13 May 1,2010 9:30am
The EH Children Question Quandry MISSDRAGONTAT Using eHarmony 22 April 2,2010 5:34pm
Should I quit? DanceMama Relationships 37 January 25,2010 1:31pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Thanks! dmi said it best when he said the variation between races are too wide to exclude any race.” –  sun73

Join the “How much does race play in your dating someone?” discussion

“ If you know, then, that you've already friend-zoned him, I don't see much point in meeting. I misread your op and thought you were just trying to decide how you felt about him. If you know you ... ” –  singinggirl

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“You are very Welcome Simplicity...” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion

“ We also have the same friends. Yesterday there was an outing and I decided to go regardless if he was going to be there or not. Every time he saw me he went somewhere else. One of his friends ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Can I wait and move on at the same time?” discussion

“You will have the option to close a match at any time, but if it is ONLY giving you the option to close, that means the other person has already closed it.” –  eH_Advice_Host_Eve

Join the “Question, archive, close...” discussion

“ Very true, this is a high percentage of the members who use free comm weekends.” –  eH_Advice_Host_Eve

Join the “dreaded free weekend” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 4:33pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0