Potential matches who "maybe" want kids


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jlpSLP83 is offline jlpSLP83 Post #1  January 4,2012, 1:35pm
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Hey everyone!
I'm new to the board. I have one thing that has definitely been bothering me. I am a 28 yo F who definitely wants children at some point in the future. When I see a guy who puts "maybe" for "wants kids", it is generally a turn off for me. My first instinct tells me that if a guy isn't sure that he wants children, then I may be wasting my time dating him since I do want children. But then I think, am I potentially turning away good matches by using this as a filter? Would greatly appreciate any insight into this issue, from both men and women. Thanks so much!
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #2  January 4,2012, 1:46pm
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To me it reads either he just doesn't know himself well (yuck) or he is trying to broaden his matches (yuck) or he is willing to be persuaded (yuck).

Anyone have a positive spin on it?
 
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eharmonyjc is online now eharmonyjc Post #3  January 4,2012, 1:51pm
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I think "maybe" is for people who truly are open to whatever comes their way. If they meet a woman who has children, they are OK with not having any of their own. Or they would be fine with adopting, or would be fine with none at all. I have "yes" in mine but it's probably more like a maybe, at least at this stage. I'm not opposed to having a kid or two, but in the end I think I might be OK if I never did have one of my own or if I adopted. That might change as I get a bit older, but I'm almost 30 so maybe it won't. Who knows.

I don't think him putting maybe should be an instant dealbreaker, especially since you don't even know the guy yet.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  January 4,2012, 2:20pm
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Instead of assuming, talk to them.

I've found that the grand majority of these "maybes" are actually a "definite yes". The reason for the "maybe" is to avoid women who want to get married right now and have kids today. In other words, in man speak the maybe stood for "yes, after we spend a reasonable time getting to know each other, developing a relationship and getting married for the right reasons and not just because her clock is ticking and she'll take any man she can so she can have a kid."

Yes, a few have been genuine maybe's and some have been no's cloaked as a maybe to expand their dating pool. However, you will never really know unless you communicate.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #5  January 4,2012, 2:30pm
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If you have a lot of people that you are communicating with and feel a bit overwhelmed, this might not be a bad filter to screen on.
 
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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #6  January 4,2012, 2:37pm
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Let me weigh in, as a man who lists "maybe" in his profile:

1. I am a 37 year old divorced father of two small children. I don't believe that I want to create new children with a future partner, but I would be open to a relationship with a woman who currently has kids of her own. EHarmony, with its "yes, no, maybe" choices does not adequately address this nuance, which is a common complaint on these boards. Other dating sites, like Match, allow choices such as "no, but ok if partner already has kids." I think that "maybe" is the least potentially misleading of the three choices given.

2. As I sit here today, my desire for children is satisfied by my two. A few years down the road, with a new woman in my life, I may feel differently, or I may not. I think that the most accurate way to describe my current feeling about new children is "probably not." Again, a choice that is available on some dating sites, but not eH.

My advice to the OP is, if you are a definite "yes" then focus your efforts on men who also list yes, or ask for clarification from any "maybes" very early in the open communication stage. At 28, men may not be quite as focused on the issue of children as women may be at the same age.
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #7  January 4,2012, 3:08pm
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DancingFool wrote :
Instead of assuming, talk to them. .
But that's so HARD! Especially when assuming is so easy.

DancingFool wrote :
I've found that the grand majority of these "maybes" are actually a "definite yes". The reason for the "maybe" is to avoid women who want to get married right now and have kids today. In other words, in man speak the maybe stood for "yes, after we spend a reasonable time getting to know each other, developing a relationship and getting married for the right reasons and not just because her clock is ticking and she'll take any man she can so she can have a kid."
While truthfully, that should be a yes rather than a maybe, I think it is a good explanation for why someone would choose maybe.
 
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jlpSLP83 is offline jlpSLP83 Post #8  January 4,2012, 3:41pm
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Wow, some great advice...thanks so much...here's some more food for thought...would a potential match be turned off/scared off if a woman asked for clarification of the "maybe" early on in the open communication stage, as you suggested Mike74? I am a very up front person and would have no problem asking that, but I guess my fear is freaking the guy out.
 
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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #9  January 4,2012, 4:32pm
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jlpSLP83 wrote :
Wow, some great advice...thanks so much...here's some more food for thought...would a potential match be turned off/scared off if a woman asked for clarification of the "maybe" early on in the open communication stage, as you suggested Mike74? I am a very up front person and would have no problem asking that, but I guess my fear is freaking the guy out.
I would certainly not be. I think that wether you want children or not is a significant factor in compatibility, so its best to get it out in the open early. I think most people understand that you're talking generally about your goals for the future at that point, rather than specifically about them. Good luck!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  January 4,2012, 4:38pm
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It's really all in how you present the question. If it reads as "I want a kid right now and are you the one to do the deed?" then he'll freak. If it reads like you just want to know what "maybe" means to him, then you'll get an explanation.
 
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