what would scare/concern you about a match's profile?


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texasgal7611 is offline texasgal7611 Post #1  November 10,2011, 12:27pm
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I received a match this morning that really gave me the creeps by what was written in his profile. I went ahead and reported him to eH and asked if they could at least block him from viewing/accessing my profile.

What sort of things make you uncomfortable or even scare you if you read them in a profile? The match I received this morning repeatedly wrote things in his profile about being "dominant" and wanting a woman who was "submissive" and would look to him for "guidance" on all matters and basically do whatever he wanted her to (not exactly his wording). The way he worded things was downright creepy and sinister sounding. I do not think it was a joke profile from the way it was written. There was just something about it and the way it was written that really gave me the creeps and made me think he could possibly be a dangerous person.

Just wondering if any of my fellow eH women -- feel free to chime in too, guys -- would be concerned if they read something like this? I've always been told that you should trust your gut when it's telling you something's not right and mine is telling me what this guy wrote is creepy!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  November 10,2011, 3:06pm
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texasgal7611 wrote :
I received a match this morning that really gave me the creeps by what was written in his profile. I went ahead and reported him to eH and asked if they could at least block him from viewing/accessing my profile.

What sort of things make you uncomfortable or even scare you if you read them in a profile? The match I received this morning repeatedly wrote things in his profile about being "dominant" and wanting a woman who was "submissive" and would look to him for "guidance" on all matters and basically do whatever he wanted her to (not exactly his wording). The way he worded things was downright creepy and sinister sounding. I do not think it was a joke profile from the way it was written. There was just something about it and the way it was written that really gave me the creeps and made me think he could possibly be a dangerous person.

Just wondering if any of my fellow eH women -- feel free to chime in too, guys -- would be concerned if they read something like this? I've always been told that you should trust your gut when it's telling you something's not right and mine is telling me what this guy wrote is creepy!
Since I don't have the luxury of reading the actual profile, maybe he is just ultra religious:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. - Ephesians 5:22-24

Instructions for Christian Households
18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. - Colossians 3:18

1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. - 1 Peter 3:1-3

All quotes above from (New International Version)
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  November 10,2011, 3:10pm
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I guess you can't post references from the Bible on a semi-Christian advice board.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  November 10,2011, 3:14pm
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I see deal breakers in profiles sometimes but I have never seen anything that would be scary or concern me. Having never encountered this I just can't think of something that would scare me. Though what you have in your OP could certainly come under that heading depending on exactly how it is worded.
 
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eharmonyjc is online now eharmonyjc Post #5  November 10,2011, 3:28pm
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The dom/sub lifestyle is legitimate. You think it sounds sinister, scary, and creepy because it's not your thing If you do a google search for "dom/sub lifestyle" some articles/blogs will come up, but if you're easily offended that might not be the best idea. But, there are couples out there who have this type of relationship (and it's not just a sex thing), and they enjoy it mentally, emotionally, and physically. See the movie Secretary w/ James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal and you'll maybe understand a bit more, although it might just be scary and offensive to you. I definitely don't think it's worth reporting to eharmony, different strokes for different folks, you know? I do find it amusing they sent him as a match to you, especially since I think in a previous post you mentioned that you are a Christian who enjoys bible study and going to church Makes me wonder how legit this "29 dimensions" stuff really is. Just close out the match and move on.
 
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eharmonyjc is online now eharmonyjc Post #6  November 10,2011, 3:48pm
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Sorry, just realized that the Christian person I was referring to was Texas_girl and you are Texasgal7611
 
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Log_Jam3 is offline Log_Jam3 Post #7  November 10,2011, 7:40pm
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If you are doubting yourself, you shouldn't. The profile made you uncomfortable so you rightly reported it to eH. It's always best to err on the side of caution. As for the man's intent, let the site administrators sort it out, and if there's nothing to it, then there's nothing to it. Hopefully, in the future, the site will do a better job of screening/matching.

I recently received a profile in which the man indicated that if his match wasn't Christian then he'd use the opportunity to "evangelize her." I'm a practicing Christian, but last I checked, this is eH, not the 700 Club. Clearly, some people come looking for a partner online with a specific agenda in mind. That said, there is a line that people need to consider when deciding how to best present their "needs" within a given community (again, this is eH, not the Jerry Springer Show) without creeping others the freak out.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  November 10,2011, 11:28pm
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While it's good you took steps to report the profile I think you might need a lesson in what is considered a threatening style of comment and what is just a lifestyle type of comment.

No, not every person will be willing to be involved in a dom/sub lifestyle. That doesn't make it wrong. Nor does it make the person expressing this view a "bad" person or someone who you should avoid while walking in a dark alley.

If he was harassing you with e-mails or other messages demanding you submit to him, well yeah, then you might have a legit issue.

As long as he wasn't vulgar, profane, listed contact info or advertising I would just close the guy and move on.

Log_Jam3, considering we're talking about a dating profile that is only shown to certain matches and not the entire eHarmony community, stating preferences in a non vulgar way is completely appropriate. No one should adjust or conform their profiles to please the masses. He is there to find one match that is well suited to him, not 100 matches who would only be turned off once they met him in person and he expressed his needs/desires face to face. The idea that e-dating is a numbers game only goes so far in reality.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  November 11,2011, 4:36am
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When you report a match they will review his profile and activities as well as yours . They will be impartial because that member has the same rights as you until proven otherwise (violation of terms of service)
Advice above to close the match is what should be done , if it was creepy /distasteful to you in any way. eHarmony generally does not attract alternative lifestyle seekers as much as some others sites do.
As another post above states , this was most likely a reference to this "lifestyle" and not a religious or criminal tenancy......However, your report will launch an investigation to sort the matter out.
texasgal7611 wrote :
I received a match this morning that really gave me the creeps by what was written in his profile. I went ahead and reported him to eH and asked if they could at least block him from viewing/accessing my profile.

What sort of things make you uncomfortable or even scare you if you read them in a profile? The match I received this morning repeatedly wrote things in his profile about being "dominant" and wanting a woman who was "submissive" and would look to him for "guidance" on all matters and basically do whatever he wanted her to (not exactly his wording). The way he worded things was downright creepy and sinister sounding. I do not think it was a joke profile from the way it was written. There was just something about it and the way it was written that really gave me the creeps and made me think he could possibly be a dangerous person.

Just wondering if any of my fellow eH women -- feel free to chime in too, guys -- would be concerned if they read something like this? I've always been told that you should trust your gut when it's telling you something's not right and mine is telling me what this guy wrote is creepy!
 
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Log_Jam3 is offline Log_Jam3 Post #10  November 11,2011, 8:03am
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AndieIsMe wrote :
No, not every person will be willing to be involved in a dom/sub lifestyle. That doesn't make it wrong.

Log_Jam3, considering we're talking about a dating profile that is only shown to certain matches and not the entire eHarmony community, stating preferences in a non vulgar way is completely appropriate. No one should adjust or conform their profiles to please the masses. He is there to find one match that is well suited to him, not 100 matches who would only be turned off once they met him in person and he expressed his needs/desires face to face. The idea that e-dating is a numbers game only goes so far in reality.
Hello Andie, I have a couple of thoughts that I would like to add. First, I believe that, without actually reading the profile, a conclusion was made that the man was seeking a dom/sub relationship. Second, I also didn't assess that the OP was indicating that the man's preferences are either right or wrong. I understood her greater concern to be that of her own welfare. As I indicated, she was right to report it and let eH sort it out. Again, if the profile is deemed to be completely harmless by eH, then no harm no foul, as they say. If it turns out that there is more than a question of "lifestyle" at issue, then the OP has done others who would have received the profile a favor.

Third, not having read the profile, I can't say that his articulation of preferences was vulgar or not. I only know that it caused the OP to be concerned enough to report it. And the notion of what is vulgar or shocking or worrisome is subjective. Fourth, as for conforming profiles, I see everyday where people on these boards want their profiles reviewed and then edit and re-edit with the express purpose of appealing ergo "conforming" to the masses. And fifth, if you knew me, then you'd know I am the last person to insist that anyone has to conform to anything. I absolutely agree people should certainly be free to express themselves, but in so doing must in turn realize that others are likewise free to report them if profiles that land in their new folder frighten, repulse, offend or otherwise give rise to concerns.

Perhaps the man who authored the profile in question might wish to post it on the Using eH advice board to garner some constructive feedback so as to avoid being reported by others in the future - that is presuming he knows he was reported and that there is indeed no true cause for alarm.

Thanks for providing me an opportunity to clarify.
 
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