nightling is offline nightling Post #1  September 7,2011, 7:49pm
nightling's Avatar

all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark.

Power Poster

Joined: Sep 2009

Misery

Posts: 6,943

See profile

I was asked to start a thread with my post about online dating in it so that it could be stickied to the top of the forum. I am sure many of the experienced daters here also have great advice, so please feel free to add your own online dating manual to this thread.

***
This Online Dating Thing

If you are very new to online dating, your profile, as well as your whole approach to the process of meeting people online quite likely suffer from the usual mistakes of inexperience.

When I first started, my profile seemed to garner only two or three replies in a three or four-month period, and I was often closed mid-communications. I submitted the profile for a critique in the Using Eharmony forum here and managed to get a few more responses, but it wasn't until I completely changed how I was approaching the profile that I really began to have anything like a steady rate of response.

These days, I generally get a request to communicate close to once a day, and that doesn't count the ones I open with who now seem to respond at a better rate than before.

My pictures did not change. Only the words in the profile.

So yes, the words in a profile really do matter. It's not just what you look like.

Presenting yourself online — The profile

Take a look at 50 or so of the profiles at eHarmony and get a feel for what matches in your age range are looking for. And while you are at it, notice something else. After a while, all these profiles sound distressingly similar. Everyone's loyal and kind. Everyone's living life to the fullest or some version thereof. Everyone wants someone amazing and every other adjective under the sun. blah blah blah It's so boring!

Your goal then is two-fold. First, a profile that is different. And second a profile that illustrates your most attractive qualities to a member of the opposite sex in a way that isn't boring because it doesn't list a bunch of adjectives, it tells little stories about you.

To do this, take a little time to think on what are the five most attractive traits you possess that make you a great catch to a member of the opposite sex. Then think of some one or two-sentence stories that will illustrate the trait. Use those stories to eliminate all the adjectives in your profile.

For example, kindness could be replaced with something like this: I'm the type of person who checks the meter next to mine and if it's running low I stick another quarter in.

The thing is, we don't really trust what people tell us about themselves, and saying you are kind or great or whatever just tends to make you seem either conceited or out of touch with reality. But we will believe what we ourselves conclude about a person, so examples illustrating who you are will allow the match to say, "Aha! A kind person!"

Weave your little stories into your answers to the eHarmony profile here and there as they seem most appropriate. Use transition words —like but, although, however — to segway from answering the question to the new information. People will generally be forgiving of this. Try to be conversational in tone and specific in detail.

Do a similar thing in the about him/her section. Think about past dates, past significant others or just cool things you saw in a movie that illustrate what traits you're looking for. Tell us one-sentence stories about them.

For example, generosity: You'd be the type of person who gives a $10 to a bonafide homeless person.

Doing it this way lets you state in a positive way the type of person you're looking for without seeming demanding. And no, the specifics aren't really a turn-off because most people will relate to the general trait described rather than hone in on the specific detail that illustrates it. The detail just makes what you write interesting and memorable.

If you happen to generate more stories than you need for the profile, save them to sprinkle into the guided communication process whenever they seem appropriate or use them in open communication. We all connect based on stories, and these will help you break the ice and build a connection with the person.

Lastly, try to make the stories you use in the profile light, fun and playful, ie light disclosures only. This helps demonstrate one other thing about yourself — you are happy and positive about life, a fun person to be around.

A word about pictures ... Head shots only do imply that you are hiding your body. You should have a full length shot to show that you are not obese.

Bathroom mirror shots are not classy. If you don't have a friend who can take good-quality photos of you, it would not hurt to have a professional do the profile mug shot and the full body shot. But don't get glamor shots. Make sure the photographer knows what the pictures are for.

You want realistic, recent pictures that just show you as you are now, not better than you are, or how you looked 10 years ago.

You should also have regular nonprofessional pictures that show you smiling and having some fun in real life, so you look like someone who'd be fun to get to know. Really think about what the pictures say about you and how someone else might view them. Get a friend to help you if you're not sure.

Who should you write to

Many people will write to only the most attractive matches on a site, leaving those super attractive daters with far more people than they can possibly respond to ... and a lot of disgruntled average folks who seem to get no responses to their communiques.

So let me give you some tough love, here. In real life, you know who you have a shot with and who you don't. Target your efforts just as rationally in the online singles bar. Don't write to movie star quality people if you are not yourself movie star quality and then get all bummed out because they didn't respond and/or blame them for being snobs. The attitude that breeds in your dating game will be seriously unattractive.

Be realistic about yourself and write to those who are normally in your range of attractiveness. Some people also do not take a good photo, so maybe put less emphasis on attractiveness in the photo at this stage, and just focus on does this look like a happy person. Attractiveness is probably best assessed in person than from a photo anyway. A signifiant portion of the men I've met have all looked better in person than I expected.

If you have the opposite problem ... you are movie star attractive and you get tons of messages, then cut down the noise. Take your pictures down. You'll do the initiating in that case, and you'll send photos along promptly. People will generally be pleasantly surprised at what they see and continue communicating with you. That way you can focus only on the matches that interest you.

Before writing, really look at the profile's parameters and try to consider whether you're really what this person is looking for. If you're outside their age range, if you're shorter than what they want, if you want kids and they don't, you're not it. Don't waste your time writing to them.

Pick one or two of the seven matches you get each night that you're going to write to, even if they don't wildly excite you. If they don't respond, pick one or two more. This rate still makes you about as selective as Harvard, but at the same time forces you to give people who may not be perfect a chance.

None of these matches are professional profile writers, and even a writer like myself found it difficult to present well online. So try not to be too hard on the efforts you see. Give the real person a shot. I have often been pleasantly surprised at how much better a match is than their profile.

The thing is, you can always close communication at any time, so opening the filters at this stage doesn't mean you're "settling." You're just giving people a chance to show you what they've really got.

How many people should you communicate with?

I wouldn't try to communicate with 10 people at once, but two or three shouldn't be an issue. The goal to me at this stage is just getting to know these two or three that I've decided to communicate with and figure out whether it would be worth the time and effort of a trip to meet them.

Shoot for 2/2/2. Two email exchanges in which you each share some light disclosures as well as some of your thoughts about what makes relationships work for you. Two phone calls continuing the discussion and continuing the momentum. Two dates in a public venue, after which you should generally know if you want to see them any further or move on.

This is not so fast that it's a revolving door, but not so slow that it's taking the wind out of everyone's sails or encouraging attachment to someone you haven't met. That way you're taking enough time to get to know the match and really see them as people.

This keeps you from focusing prematurely on some stranger who really isn't All That and then being so disappointed it didn't work out with that one person that you quit altogether. At the same time, it's taking things with each one slow enough that you could connect with them if they meet what you need and vice versa.

You don't want your dating life to resemble a revolving coffee shop door with a big Next number ticker by it. The thing is, you can't emotionally invest in anyone if you yourself don't take the time and slow yourself down to really give people consideration.

Love, unlike lust, is not a lightning bolt. It is a process of social connection. To understand this and yourself better, I highly recommend the book, How to make someone fall in love with you in 90 minutes. Unfortunate title, but good information. It will help you bring your 'A' game to all of your dates. There are any number of other good books out there, as well, but if I were only going to recommend one, it would be that one.

That first email
For the initial communication ... what kinds of messages should you try to write to your matches?

On eHarmony, it is probably best to just use the Guided Communication. Otherwise, keep it fairly short. Take something in their profile and write something cute or funny.

I had, for example, a guy who claimed to think deeply on neutrinos. I playfully took him to task for caring about something so self-centered that it passes right through our bodies without even slowing down. Photons, I said, are far more deserving of our notice. They actually die within our eyes just so that we can see. How can you not think deeply on photons?

The message was successful in starting a conversation because it was light, playful and used something in his profile that was interesting to him.

I had another match who had a charming smile but lived in Memphis. I wrote nothing more than, "You have a nice smile, too bad you live so far away."

That message was also successful in starting an exchange that led to an eventual meeting.

So these messages don't have to be hard or long, or even particularly creative. They just need to show you are a reasonably happy and confident person and fun to get to know, and they need to be targeted at matches who are realistic for what you bring to the table.

The online process as a whole

Once you get your profile in order (I recommend posting it in Using eHarmony for review) try to have a fun and playful attitude about this whole online dating thing. It will make it a much more pleasant experience, and increase the likelihood of meeting someone. No one wants to date Debbie Downer or Depressed Dan, so manage your expectations and don't let these things get you down.

Realize that based on a picture and some words on a screen you don't really know any of these people. Your initial communication is just to say hey, I'd like to get to know you better. You won't know where some of these people are at in life, so having expectations on the outcome at this stage is inappropriate.

They could be so burned out at online dating they are absent from their profile. So non-response doesn't mean they don't like you or find you attractive. The lights are simply on and no one is home.

They could be involved with someone already and not ready to initiate with new people, but not ready to close their profile down. So it is bad timing, not necessarily you.

They could be very shallow people you wouldn't like anyway.

They could be a nice guy with no real social skill.

They could be your dream guy, but hiding some details bc they want to avoid golddiggers and just looking for the right woman to love them for who they are.

You just won't know who these matches are or what is possible until you send that first shot in the dark.

These emails you send and/or receive to these virtual strangers are not and should not be construed as some kind of exclusivity trap until you know the person at the other end a LOT better. So keep it light in your messages and in your own mind. These things are not marriage proposals. They're the equivalent of saying "hi" in the singles bar.

Try, though it's hard, to just be yourself throughout all of this. People will reject you because of who you are and what you think. But they were never for you in the first place. Better to know that sooner than later. But don't use being yourself as an excuse for poor social skills, either. Try to learn what works for you and what doesn't when it comes to connecting with the opposite sex.

Last but not least
You likely tried online dating because you weren't meeting enough people through traditional avenues.

I know for myself, even working with the public and meeting 2 or 3 hundred new folks a year, maybe only 1 or 2 percent are in my age range and single. Who knows if they are necessarily looking for a relationship or highly compatible with me? I think my chances of bumping into such a person over the tomatoes in the produce aisle are very slim.

Many people are in this boat. That is why we use a dating service. We want to meet someone who we are highly compatible with, rather than just settling for someone because our options were so limited.

All that said, online dating doesn't and shouldn't negate any traditional channels of dating and meeting people. You still have access to all of those. It just supplements your options with a much larger dating pool to draw from than usual, and makes finding a well-suited match much more likely than meeting only one or two single people a year does.

The one thing you can't do is quit dating altogether. Because you can't find The One if you quit looking. (I've tried that method for 17 or so years lmao so I can say firsthand, it doesn't really work.)

Good to luck to everyone out there in their search.
Last edited by nightling; September 8,2011 at 7:54am.
 
  Reply With Quote
Buck is offline Buck Post #2  September 7,2011, 8:57pm
Buck's Avatar

is really enjoying good fortune

Power Poster

Joined: Nov 2007

Seattle boonies

Posts: 7,326

See profile

Holy cow nightling. I'm gonna need time to read all that, but I can't imagine what you might have missed.
 
  Reply With Quote
Buck is offline Buck Post #3  September 7,2011, 9:15pm
Buck's Avatar

is really enjoying good fortune

Power Poster

Joined: Nov 2007

Seattle boonies

Posts: 7,326

See profile

OK ... Got one.

I don't think that having a long list of Must Haves and/or Can't Stands is necessarily bad. However, they really all can't have the same priority. How about picking a few of the most important on each list to use for initial screening. If nothing else, you'll gain experience in the process by meeting more people and you may revise your initial lists. Then, if you happen upon a very promising candidate, you can start looking further down the lists while you get to know them.

Though it kinds of sounds like shopping, you get the point.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  September 7,2011, 9:48pm
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,085

See profile

This is such a great post that it's morphed into a sticky! Newbies and oldies alike ... lots to think about here. Thanks Nightling!
 
  Reply With Quote
nightling is offline nightling Post #5  September 8,2011, 8:02am
nightling's Avatar

all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark.

Power Poster

Joined: Sep 2009

Misery

Posts: 6,943

See profile

Buck wrote :
OK ... Got one.

I don't think that having a long list of Must Haves and/or Can't Stands is necessarily bad. However, they really all can't have the same priority. How about picking a few of the most important on each list to use for initial screening. If nothing else, you'll gain experience in the process by meeting more people and you may revise your initial lists. Then, if you happen upon a very promising candidate, you can start looking further down the lists while you get to know them.

Though it kinds of sounds like shopping, you get the point.
This is actually a very good point. People come into this armed with a list of 100 must haves and 100 must don'ts. They're looking for someone who truly doesn't exist on the face of the entire planet because, well the only perfect person who ever lived was nailed to a cross, or so I've heard.
 
  Reply With Quote
MicMan is offline MicMan Post #6  September 8,2011, 3:22pm
MicMan's Avatar

is living life to 83% of its normal capacity.

Board Leader - Sports

Joined: Feb 2009

Posts: 2,965

See profile

Buck wrote :
I don't think that having a long list of Must Haves and/or Can't Stands is necessarily bad. However, they really all can't have the same priority. How about picking a few of the most important on each list to use for initial screening.
Very good point. If you're mining for gold, you have a series of filters that each time remove a little more unwanted material. If you put your finest screen at the very beginning, you'll clog it up and risk losing what you're looking for.

There's nothing wrong with having screens for potential matches. Pretty much everyone does. Those screens, however, should have some thought put behind them and they should be something that you're willing to apply to matches no matter what. Don't give one match a break because he/she is very attractive when they have a characteristic that would be a dealbreaker otherwise.

Decide what is going to be a hard screen that's non-negotiable and what you're willing to have some flexibility on.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  September 8,2011, 4:13pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,691

See profile

nightling wrote :
On eHarmony, it is probably best to just use the Guided Communication. Otherwise, keep it fairly short. Take something in their profile and write something cute or funny.

I had, for example, a guy who claimed to think deeply on neutrinos. I playfully took him to task for caring about something so self-centered that it passes right through our bodies without even slowing down. Photons, I said, are far more deserving of our notice. They actually die within our eyes just so that we can see. How can you not think deeply on photons?

The message was successful in starting a conversation because it was light, playful and used something in his profile that was interesting to him.

I completely agree with and advocate this advice.

This, more than anything else within my control, is the single most effective strategy I have experienced - both online and in real life.

A first message should convey intelligence, humor, and having read the match's profile; absence of baggage or negativity is a given.
 
  Reply With Quote
eH_Advice_Host_Eve is online now eH_Advice_Host_Eve — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  September 9,2011, 8:44am
eH_Advice_Hos…'s Avatar

is at work.

Moderator

Joined: May 2011

Santa Monica, CA.

Posts: 132

See profile

Well said nightling, an amazing post which will help a lot of people!
 
  Reply With Quote
nightling is offline nightling Post #9  September 9,2011, 10:24am
nightling's Avatar

all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark.

Power Poster

Joined: Sep 2009

Misery

Posts: 6,943

See profile

Sassafras54 wrote :
This is such a great post that it's morphed into a sticky! Newbies and oldies alike ... lots to think about here. Thanks Nightling!
eH_Advice_Host_Eve wrote :
Well said nightling, an amazing post which will help a lot of people!
Thanks!
 
  Reply With Quote
Buck is offline Buck Post #10  September 9,2011, 11:13am
Buck's Avatar

is really enjoying good fortune

Power Poster

Joined: Nov 2007

Seattle boonies

Posts: 7,326

See profile

OK ... Got another one.

I don't know when or why the idea of "poofing" became acceptable, apparently to large numbers of daters, on-line or otherwise. If you've made a decision to discontinue interaction with a prior dater, and for any reason short of fear for your personal safety, wouldn't the dating world be a nicer place if you just let the other person know, somehow. Maybe you provide an explanation, or maybe you don't, that's up to you. It's simply a courtesy that used to be understood by most in my day.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« Anyway to review communication with Member who expired? | Using eHarmony | Confused »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Men are not serious about online dating andro444 Dating 57 March 29,2012 7:17am
Online dating is not a solution for real-world inadequacies nunayabizness Dating 36 April 25,2011 9:21am
Online dating is one giant joke! josh453 Dating 21 April 23,2011 7:57am
seeing someone you are dating online twizzlestx Ask a Dating Expert 8 October 3,2010 6:20pm
The perils of online dating TheProdigy Dating 43 August 6,2010 6:46pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Thanks! dmi said it best when he said the variation between races are too wide to exclude any race.” –  sun73

Join the “How much does race play in your dating someone?” discussion

“ If you know, then, that you've already friend-zoned him, I don't see much point in meeting. I misread your op and thought you were just trying to decide how you felt about him. If you know you ... ” –  singinggirl

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“You are very Welcome Simplicity...” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion

“ We also have the same friends. Yesterday there was an outing and I decided to go regardless if he was going to be there or not. Every time he saw me he went somewhere else. One of his friends ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Can I wait and move on at the same time?” discussion

“You will have the option to close a match at any time, but if it is ONLY giving you the option to close, that means the other person has already closed it.” –  eH_Advice_Host_Eve

Join the “Question, archive, close...” discussion

“ Very true, this is a high percentage of the members who use free comm weekends.” –  eH_Advice_Host_Eve

Join the “dreaded free weekend” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 4:06pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0