freeml is offline freeml Post #1  June 25,2011, 11:33am
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I've been on eH for about 2 months now. At first I just waited for guys to contact me (didn't work), then I started just sending icebreakers or smiles (again, didn't work). Finally, I have started sending first questions to almost every match. Since then, I have only had 3 people contact me; one closed me right after first questions, and the other two seem like they fell off the face of the earth (probably non-payers).

I was telling my friend about this, and she basically told me that she would imagine this whole thing is just a numbers game. I'm going to have to contact as many people as possible to get only 1 or 2 interested to respond. Is this the same experience that others are having?

Almost all of the guys I send questions to look at my profile, don't respond, but don't close me either. Do guys just not like it when the woman contacts him first? Does it come off as desperate or too forward? For some of them, I even send a personal message about their interests (and have never gotten a response). Would it be better if I sent eH mail instead of GC? Any advice?
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #2  June 25,2011, 11:44am
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wrote :
Finally, I have started sending first questions to almost every match....
It sounds like you're on the right track. Showing some interest and initiative is a good way to make men more interested in you.

wrote :
Since then, I have only had 3 people contact me; Is this the same experience that others are having?
No, I'm flooded with interested matches. I've had "matching" off for over a month now. You've left out one vital bit of information--how many matches are you receiving? Without that we can't know whether the problem is that your photo or profile are unappealing or there aren't many people in your area who meet your preferences.

wrote :
Do guys just not like it when the woman contacts him first? Does it come off as desperate or too forward?
This has been discussed before on the forums and the concensus was that for a majority of guys it's a turn-on, but for a minority it's a turn-off. So go ahead and initiate. It improves your odds significantly.

wrote :
Would it be better if I sent eH mail instead of GC?
Personally, I wouldn't bombard matches with eH mails because either (a) you're writing individualized ones and most members aren't members so you're wasting your time or (b) you're writing generic ones and generic messages are a turn-off. Switching to eH mail is more appropriate if you know they are a member so investing time is no biggie. Still, most of the time I choose to go the Guided Communication route.
 
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freeml is offline freeml Post #3  June 25,2011, 11:57am
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Thanks for the response. There is virtually no one in my area that matches my preferences (I'm not too picky, but one of my preferences is that he be a Christian and Christianity is definitely not the dominant religion in my area). So I expanded my search to include the entire USA, and I get around 7-10 matches every day. I was thinking maybe distance is what the issue is? I get some flex matches, but how do I know if I am a flex match for someone else?
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #4  June 25,2011, 4:03pm
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freeml wrote :
I was telling my friend about this, and she basically told me that she would imagine this whole thing is just a numbers game. I'm going to have to contact as many people as possible to get only 1 or 2 interested to respond. Is this the same experience that others are having?
No, this is not unusual at all. Don't worry about the people that don't respond. Spend your time on the people that do.

freeml wrote :
Do guys just not like it when the woman contacts him first? Does it come off as desperate or too forward?
Do you find it too forward or desperate when a guy contacts you first? You're paying for the subscription, so take full advantage of it. You're doing the right thing by contacting men. I have yet to see a man post here that being contacted first is a turn off in any way, shape or form.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #5  June 25,2011, 4:22pm
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Freeml - you're doing everything right. My experience (as a woman on EH) was pretty much the same as yours. In 8 months on EH I had over 750 matches. Of those, I got to open communication with about 11-12, and had 3 dates (Well, 2 and a half, because the first guy poofed on EH but then found me again on OK Cupid and that's how we set up our date).

I think it is a numbers game. And, I think the guys are flattered if the woman initiates.... as long as he thinks she is hot enough.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #6  June 25,2011, 5:06pm
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freeml wrote :
Thanks for the response. There is virtually no one in my area that matches my preferences (I'm not too picky, but one of my preferences is that he be a Christian and Christianity is definitely not the dominant religion in my area). So I expanded my search to include the entire USA, and I get around 7-10 matches every day. I was thinking maybe distance is what the issue is? I get some flex matches, but how do I know if I am a flex match for someone else?
You may want to consider posting your profile as a new subject and asking for a review. One mistake we see is mentioning something too many times. While your faith is an important facet of your life, it really is enough to write in one place (perhaps under most important quality) that you're looking for someone who shares it and you can list any church participation/volunteering/missions under leisure. I would advise not to do more than that b/c profiles are really very small - mentioning something more than once or twice makes it seem like that thing is your life, which makes your matches think you don't have balance or room for more.
 
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myusernamehere is online now myusernamehere Post #7  June 25,2011, 5:12pm
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freeml wrote :
Almost all of the guys I send questions to look at my profile, don't respond, but don't close me either. Do guys just not like it when the woman contacts him first? Does it come off as desperate or too forward? For some of them, I even send a personal message about their interests (and have never gotten a response). Would it be better if I sent eH mail instead of GC? Any advice?
It's quite possible that these folks are non-payers. They can view your profile but can't send any type of communication. In that case they would keep you open until the next fcw.
 
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upstategirl is offline upstategirl Post #8  June 25,2011, 5:16pm
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lunabeach wrote :
You may want to consider posting your profile as a new subject and asking for a review.

I believe she has posted it, but has not gotten a serious review of it yet.


Also, I did notice that you only have a partial profile posted, it is best to post the entire thing to get the best review. There are several eHA members that are great at reviewing profiles.
Last edited by upstategirl; June 25,2011 at 5:19pm.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #9  June 25,2011, 5:46pm
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upstategirl wrote :
I believe she has posted it, but has not gotten a serious review of it yet.


Also, I did notice that you only have a partial profile posted, it is best to post the entire thing to get the best review. There are several eHA members that are great at reviewing profiles.
Just saw it and did a real review for her. You're right - much of the feedback she received was not specific enough to be helpful.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  June 25,2011, 7:17pm
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freeml wrote :
I've been on eH for about 2 months now. At first I just waited for guys to contact me (didn't work), then I started just sending icebreakers or smiles (again, didn't work). Finally, I have started sending first questions to almost every match. Since then, I have only had 3 people contact me; one closed me right after first questions, and the other two seem like they fell off the face of the earth (probably non-payers).

I was telling my friend about this, and she basically told me that she would imagine this whole thing is just a numbers game. I'm going to have to contact as many people as possible to get only 1 or 2 interested to respond. Is this the same experience that others are having?

Almost all of the guys I send questions to look at my profile, don't respond, but don't close me either. Do guys just not like it when the woman contacts him first? Does it come off as desperate or too forward? For some of them, I even send a personal message about their interests (and have never gotten a response). Would it be better if I sent eH mail instead of GC? Any advice?
At the risk of repeating myself as I have been doing for the past several years. Most, about 90%, of your matches are going to be non-paying members. With the advent of the Active Within feature a couple of months ago from what I have been able to discern from other posts is that regardless of what time frame their matches are shown to have been active they still have an exceedingly low response rate. You (the other people here who are paying members) can choose to see that if the match is shown as currently active and does not respond then they are just rude. I choose to believe that people are not rude and that they are not responding because they are non-paying members. But then I may be naive.

To address how a woman should work eHarmony. You are paying for a service and have every right to use every part of that service. Part of that service is contacting your matches. You should never send IceBreakers (you and others have mentioned Smiles which is something that I have never seen nor received on eHarmony). An IceBreaker is free and it is the only communication that a non-paying member can send. It is therefore widely viewed as an indication that the person sending it is not a paying member. Many people will close a match that sends an IceBreaker and most won't respond to an IceBreaker. Send First Questions to every match that you have any interest in, i.e. there are no red flags in their profile.

As for a woman initiating by sending First Questions, we like that. Any guy who would be turned off by this has some sort of problems and you would not want to be with him anyway.

Send your First Questions to a match and then forget about it. Go to the next match and do the same thing.

As for eHarmony or any other online dating site being just a numbers game. Well yes they are. So is real life!!! Would you go to some social event and stand in a corner waiting for guys to seek you out or would you get out there and mingle? Would you only talk to one guy at this social event or would you greet many? eHarmony or any other dating site is merely one more method of "introduction". No site is going to drop your "soul mate" in your lap. You have to be proactive. What eHarmony and other online dating sites do provide is an introduction to people that you would never meet in other IRL venues. IRL you will only meet people who are at the same place you are at the same time you are there. With online dating sites you will "meet" people who live on the other side of town from you, never shop at the stores you shop at, don't go to the church you go to, don't go to the same social functions you do, etc.
 
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