The "I'm pursuing another relationship" line


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
VAmarcy is offline VAmarcy Post #11  June 25,2008, 11:19am
VAmarcy's Avatar

has the sense to recognize...we do what we have to do

Quick Study

Joined: May 2008

Haymarket, VA

Posts: 126

See profile

MJD,151052 wrote :

Well, what do you suggest when you (think) you are in a commited relationship, bu then find out your significant other has joined eHarmony? And has neglected to tell you that he is pursuing ANY other relationship?
If your SO has joined EH, only one of you is committed, sadly...and the other one is looking, while stringing you along in the hopes of finding someone new
 
  Reply With Quote
VAmarcy is offline VAmarcy Post #12  June 25,2008, 11:21am
VAmarcy's Avatar

has the sense to recognize...we do what we have to do

Quick Study

Joined: May 2008

Haymarket, VA

Posts: 126

See profile



I'm guilty of using the "I want to pursue other matches" close...mostly to mean, "I don't really want to pursue you for whatever reason." Is that bad?
 
  Reply With Quote
PeteyKirch is offline PeteyKirch Post #13  June 25,2008, 11:31am
PeteyKirch's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: May 2008

Charlotte, NC

Posts: 223

See profile



Not as bad as the "I'm taking a break from dating at the moment" so TURN MATCHING OFF.


If you are taking a break why are you on the site checking your matches out?
 
  Reply With Quote
MagyarSHU is offline MagyarSHU Post #14  June 25,2008, 12:35pm
MagyarSHU's Avatar

is looking forward to some snowboarding in the trauma parks.

Pacesetter

Joined: May 2008

Florence, NJ

Posts: 351

See profile



Red Sox Girl hit the nail squarely on the head. In fact, what is the deal with 'I'd rather not say'? That's like breaking up with someone and telling them that 'it's not you, it's me.' all the while subtly implying (judgementally through nonverbals) that it is in fact all their fault... or maybe I'm overanalyzing... or maybe making light of the situation... or maybe some of both.


Most of what we say ends up lost in translation unfortunately. At least some matches have the courtesy to be open about their lack of interest. I've had matches get up to the 3rd or 4th stage of communication and simply stop progressing ot OC without any response or even closing. Their reasons don't matter because ultimately they're all the same: 'They don't think we're the right fit'.


I've even had one situation while already in OC that the woman stopped sending e-mails (already had a couple go back and forth with good vibes). I sent her an e-mail a few days later saying that I was thinking of her, and hoped she was doing well. She didn't return anything for three weeks (I wanted to just let her be and see what reaction I'd get) until she finally closed me. All I know is that she wasn't as interested in me as I was in her, and that was not the type of woman I would want to build a relationship with. It's like in poker, better to fold a mediocre holding earlier in the hand than at the end when all your chips are on the table.


Back to closing out people before communication even begins: how invested in a company are you before the first interview? You do some background checks (look at their profile) and send them a resume (they look at yours). If there's something catchy in the resume, it's on to an interview. Keep in mind that different companies are looking for different skill sets.


If you know yourself, you'll know where you want to work. An english teacher isn't going to get picked up to teach math even though she knows how to teach. The english teacher would prefer a job teaching english. If she takes the math job, she won't be as happy as the english job because it just doesn't match as well. Why should anyone take offense at that?
 
  Reply With Quote
dkj is offline dkj Post #15  June 25,2008, 12:46pm
dkj's Avatar

Will be in Virginia for Thanksgiving

Pacesetter

Joined: May 2008

Utah

Posts: 329

See profile



To me, all the responses (generally) mean the same thing. I'm not interested. From reading posts over the last few months, it seems that there are people offended no matter which one is chosen. No onelikes rejection. One poster thought that "other" was the kindest. I think it is only surpassed by "I'd rather not say". I think we should not take WHAT they say so serious.
 
  Reply With Quote
rkayr is offline rkayr Post #16  June 25,2008, 12:51pm
rkayr's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 161

See profile

Oh yikes. I think you are reading too much into it. Well, I have closed matches out for that reason because I was trying to focus on communicating with one or two certain matches, but we were not actually “in a relationship”. In fact, I had not even physically met them, but was communicating and there were plans to meet. I just get so many matches that I closed them out using that line as I really was “pursuing” another relationship – that does not mean I was IN another relationship. I just did not want to end up in contact with too many. I do NOT want to treat it like I am a kid in a candy store!

And going on one or two dates does NOT make a “committed exclusive relationship”. In fact assuming so is exactly what gets too many people into trouble too early! The “instant relationship” is not a healthy way to approach dating.

Once I started dating one of my matches regularly I closed my matching as while I am not sure where this relationship will go (it is still very early, but I really do like him a lot and we are getting along wonderfully!) I do want to focus on enjoying our time together. I don’t have any expectations of him having closed his though, or even of him not dating anyone else (though, as far as I know he isn’t!). We have not determined to be “exclusive”, I just prefer to at this time date only him and avoid distractions (and I don’t have time to be dating multiple people, nor am I interested in doing so)

You are jumping to a lot of conclusions about their “actual relationship status” based on them using that as their reason.
 
  Reply With Quote
mjt1st is offline mjt1st Post #17  June 25,2008, 1:36pm
mjt1st's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Feb 2008

Atlanta

Posts: 97

See profile



I'll ditto what the others have said, thats my standard close outbecause I think its the nicest. The worst case scenario is that they think what you said which still puts it back on me and not her.


The profiles are so generic that if they close me out I assume they just don't like the way I look and don't read to much into what the response was.
 
  Reply With Quote
sqg123 is offline sqg123 Post #18  June 25,2008, 2:22pm
sqg123's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Apr 2008

Posts: 521

See profile



I tend to think people choose that for a close message so as not to hurt your feelings (as opposed to something that implies that they just aren't that into you). Thats always been my take on it anyway.


That said no one really even needs to give a reason in my mind, if your not interested its cool they don't even really know you and they aren't in a relationship with you either. I'm all for not taking things personally.
 
  Reply With Quote
corky44 is offline corky44 Post #19  June 25,2008, 4:38pm
corky44's Avatar

Back to the grind

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2008

Texas

Posts: 4,152

See profile



Like many others here, I do not pursue more than one relationship at a time. If I meet someone that interests me, I turn matching off and then close out matches that I've started communication with and I use the "I'm pursuing another match" because that is the truth.


As far as closing out new matches with the "I'm pursuing another relationship." It has happened that someone starts communicating with me or I receive a match just as another match takes off. That's just the way it is. If i receive a match on the day that I decide that another relationship is taking off (and I turn my matches off), it's not playing games to close them out. It's being fair.


Lastly, how do you know the person hasn't shut off their matches and your profile wasn't received just as they were shutting off matching. Incidentally, I shut off matching several weeks ago and sometimes still receive matches so it may be a glitch in E-Harmony.
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #20  June 25,2008, 5:44pm
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

Red Sox Girl,150996 wrote :

I agree that you're probably reading too much into this - I frequently choose this when closing someone out as my way of saying I'm pursuing someone else, because I think it sounds a bit nicer than "I wish to pursue another match" - it's basically my way of saying I want to see if a relationship will develop with someone else.


To be honest, I wish eH didn't require us to choose a reason at all. None of them are great, & as we are experiencing here, people often over-analyse them.
I did not think you had to choose a reason for closing a match. I always do and in many cases I choose several reasons but I am certain that I have been closed and no reason was given.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Match Limit Exceeded | Using eHarmony | Helpful profile advice for women »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ Where's the other boot?” –  Breezy1

Join the “She stared at my feet. Is this normal?” discussion

“Exit interviews are highly recommended in many dating books and in other life strategy books. They are very effective. I think he would answer honestly to the some point. I know that is horrible and ... ” –  biking_girl

Join the “Exit interview after unsuccessful date” discussion

“And I'd also add that while a successful stable job down the road and a solid income is helpful in attracting a woman, it's no guarantee that finding love will be easy for you. I know plenty of men ... ” –  boschimsp

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“I think if someone says they can't meet you for weeks, they are lukewarm interested. Even if he were truly busy with a project, he'd be able to drop you an email or a text here and there. I took ... ” –  Carole1520

Join the “Did he poof?” discussion

“ Yes, illegal aliens aren't treated as illegals. lol OP, trust your gut. A few months ago, I met a guy on match, who said his membership was expiring, and gave me his IM so we could chat. I ... ” –  Carole1520

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“Stop humping my leg.” –  Breezy1

Join the “Comment to win a FREE month of eHarmony!” discussion

“I thought this thread was about exercise. Positive OP though...nice to see.” –  Breezy1

Join the “It's a matter of fit” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 7:48pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0