eHarmony Etiquette for Women


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southernbuckeye is offline southernbuckeye Post #1  May 29,2011, 6:12am
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Hi all! I just shelled out $60 to activate my eHarmony subscription, after doing the personality profile thing last night. I am so impressed with the quality of my matches--just from reading the profiles, they really sound like people I'd be compatible with as far as interests and they even all seem to be physically attractive to me!

However, I have a question. I am of the old-fashioned camp where I believe a guy should make first contact. I sincerely believe that if he doesn't approach me (like at a party or other setting) or contact me online first, then I never caught his eye to begin with. I've used other dating services previously and I'm wondering if this expectation has hindered my success?

What are your thoughts? Do you initiate communication first with your matches, or do you wait for them to come to you?
 
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annother is offline annother Post #2  May 29,2011, 6:18am
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You will get a range of responses to this, and my own has changed since I first started online dating. At first, I was very reluctant to initiate communication, but I found that it was a counter-productive approach. Now I initiate communication with every match that I find interesting.

In real life it makes more sense to wait for the man to initiate because we meet in social contexts where that is appropriate. Online, though, there is a very different set of norms such that it is not significant whether the man or the woman initiates.

From a financial standpoint, if you don't contact interesting men, you are wasting your money on EH. It's set up so that you can do just that.
 
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southernbuckeye is offline southernbuckeye Post #3  May 29,2011, 6:20am
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annother wrote :
From a financial standpoint, if you don't contact interesting men, you are wasting your money on EH. It's set up so that you can do just that.
I absolutely agree with this. $60/month is a lot (because I certainly couldn't afford to pay in advance even if the rate was "cheaper!"). I can "afford" month-to-month though.

I suppose it can't hurt to see who responds, right?
 
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annother is offline annother Post #4  May 29,2011, 6:22am
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southernbuckeye wrote :
I absolutely agree with this. $60/month is a lot (because I certainly couldn't afford to pay in advance even if the rate was "cheaper!"). I can "afford" month-to-month though.

I suppose it can't hurt to see who responds, right?
On the contrary, it's fun to see who responds! Don't expect a lot of responses, though, because many profiles are actually inactive. That's why it's a good idea to send out lots of invitations to communicate and see who is actually out there and paying attention.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #5  May 29,2011, 6:30am
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Supposedly the new software lets you see when they last logged on, and/or the frequency or their visits, so you actually signed up at a decent time.
 
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upstategirl is offline upstategirl Post #6  May 29,2011, 6:36am
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Definately initiate communication with a match that interests you. From reading other older posts about the subject, it seems as if many men like it when you initiate with them because so many women will not. Good Luck!
 
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southernbuckeye is offline southernbuckeye Post #7  May 29,2011, 6:46am
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annother wrote :
On the contrary, it's fun to see who responds! Don't expect a lot of responses, though, because many profiles are actually inactive. That's why it's a good idea to send out lots of invitations to communicate and see who is actually out there and paying attention.
I wish there was a way to only show members who are paying, active members. It was the same way on match.com--they'd show you all profiles, but a pretty small percentage of them were paying members that you could communicate with.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  May 29,2011, 6:52am
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southernbuckeye wrote :
I am of the old-fashioned camp where I believe a guy should make first contact.

I don't accept any one-sided or gender-based "shoulds," and close for this (I close a lot of matches for it, too.)


southernbuckeye wrote :
I sincerely believe that if he doesn't approach me (like at a party or other setting) or contact me online first, then I never caught his eye to begin with.

If I don't approach a woman, it is either no attraction, or (most of the time) because she is unavailable (or I think she is unavailable) or I have already watched how she has responded to other men (and found her incompatible for it.)

Guys watch to see who women are with, how they react to approaches, who they talk to ... I look for a time she is alone, too - I do not force my way into a crowd.

Online, if a woman looked at my profile and did not write, I assume she's not interested - or she has a gender hang-up - and either of these are reasons to close.

If you want to let men write first, do not view their profile until they communicate.


southernbuckeye wrote :
I've used other dating services previously and I'm wondering if this expectation has hindered my success?

Yes.


southernbuckeye wrote :
What are your thoughts? Do you initiate communication first with your matches, or do you wait for them to come to you?

I communicate with all matches unless I find a deal-breaker. The rest I close (most of them.) In rare cases of almost completely blank profile, I let the match sit a week (in case they are brand new and simply didn't finish the profile.)
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #9  May 29,2011, 7:06am
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southernbuckeye wrote :
I absolutely agree with this. $60/month is a lot (because I certainly couldn't afford to pay in advance even if the rate was "cheaper!"). I can "afford" month-to-month though.

Notwithstanding that this is a shocking lack of liquidity, eHarmony are frequently advertising $45 for three months. That seems to be the best deal commonly available.

You might even call them and ask for this, even though you already paid. If they balk, I would reply with an offer like $90 for six months or something.

One month is not likely to result in good meetings, and $60 / month is well above the offers.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #10  May 29,2011, 7:21am
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southernbuckeye wrote :
Hi all! I just shelled out $60 to activate my eHarmony subscription, after doing the personality profile thing last night. I am so impressed with the quality of my matches--just from reading the profiles, they really sound like people I'd be compatible with as far as interests and they even all seem to be physically attractive to me!

However, I have a question. I am of the old-fashioned camp where I believe a guy should make first contact. I sincerely believe that if he doesn't approach me (like at a party or other setting) or contact me online first, then I never caught his eye to begin with. I've used other dating services previously and I'm wondering if this expectation has hindered my success?

What are your thoughts? Do you initiate communication first with your matches, or do you wait for them to come to you?
Here is the best of both worlds for you perhaps. Wait two or three days before opening communications with a match. That gives the guys who are going to initiate with you a chance to do so. After a couple days, look at the profiles and open with those you are interested in and close the rest. You have little to lose at that point anyway, and as it's just a few emails you're exchanging (not a marriage proposal after all) what's the big deal?

otoh, you might find that many of the guys here are tired of initiating with randomly uninterested females and actually respond quite well to a show of interest first by you initiating communication.

I think if you will think about real life settings, it's usually the woman who signals that it's OK for the man to approach if he wants to, with an inviting smile or two. So you can think of initiating communication as nothing more than a quick smile perhaps.

Also, I second what dLion says. There are frequently deals for much less than $60, but I also would try to pay for it month to month if you can at first. That way if you find the service is not to your liking, you can try a different one and you're not locked in to this one site for six months.

If you are not getting a lot of response to your profile, I would encourage you to post it in the Using eHarmony forum for feedback from some of the guys around here. After a while you'll begin to notice how similar all the profiles sound. Everyone is loyal and honest. Everyone lives life to the fullest blah blah. You want to make sure your profile is unique, and posting it for feedback is probably the best way to ensure this.

Good luck with your search and welcome to eHA.
 
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