What do you think about this on my profile?


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kitty8903 is offline kitty8903 Post #1  February 12,2011, 8:15pm
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OK, here is what I have changed part of my profile to:
Some additional information I want you to know:

I have two wonderful kids, ages 3 (boy) and 5 (girl). They have a loving father, aunts and uncles, and both sets of grandparents, so I'm not looking for a father or a family for them.



My question is... what do you think when you read this?

The reason I changed this section is because I read something similar on one of my match's profiles, and I thought it was considerate of him to share that he wasn't looking for a replacement mother for his children. I'm hoping that all of my matches are matched up with me because they have selected "YES" in the children-living-at-home setting.

Thanks for the feedback!
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #2  February 12,2011, 8:36pm
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Sounds like a "positive spin" - the Moderators have been starting up various threads about how to put a "positive spin" on seemingly "negative" statements on profiles.

I am not sure that this has the effect that you intend. The words that you are saying are "I am not looking for a replacement family for my son" but this just puts the idea out there that that is what you are in fact looking for. Any time you see a statement on a profile that says "not" anything - your mind just goes there anyway and thinks that very thing.

Yes, there are going to be some people who are going to see: "kids, 3 and 5" and think "Uh-oh. I'm going to have to be a father to those kids...". Those people will weed themselves out for you. That is what you want, isn't it? Don't worry about matches that you might "scare away" with thinking they can't handle your particular situation. You should want them to be scared away, because if they think it will be an issue for them - it will be. And it doesn't matter how you spin it on your profile.
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #3  February 12,2011, 8:58pm
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There was a thread not to long ago which discussed stating that you are or are not looking for a father/mother figure for your kids in your profile.

For me (I'm a female), if I saw that on someone's profile I'd close you out. Why? Because while I am not looking to replace the children's mother, if the relationship ended in marriage those children would become part of my life and there would be times when I would be in the position of needing to take care of them. That is not the problem.

My problem is it is unfair to expect me to take care of the children and yet NOT accord me some type of "mother" power. I refuse to have to play the role of mother and yet not also be able to discipline and have some say in the raising of the children.

Basically, I don't want to have to feed, cloth, love, and care for children and only get a "You can't make me your not my Mother" from the children and/or get "You're not their Mother you should stay out of this" from the father.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #4  February 12,2011, 10:35pm
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If you get involved with a guy and it gets serious, that guy is going to eventually have a "father-like" relationship with your kids, either as a step-father or "mom's special friend."

What are you attempting to accomplish with that phrase? Do you think it will alleviate the fears of childless men? It won't. Do you think it will somehow appeal to men with kids? Why do you think they wouldn't want to be involved in your kids' lives if they get involved with you?

I don't think what you've written is particularly good or bad, just kind of naive. You are a package deal. Don't downplay your kids.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  February 12,2011, 10:57pm
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Are you not looking for marriage or longterm committed relationship? If you're not, then your statement makes sense. But if you are looking for marriage/committed relationship, it doesn't really make sense to me ... your eventual husband/partner will become a big factor in your childrens' lives, and will have a step-parent role. Since their dad is involved, your man will not become the primary Dad, but he won't be "that guy who lives in our house but isn't part of our lives"!!

I think you could just delete the last phrase -- something like
I have two wonderful kids, ages 3 (boy) and 5 (girl). Fortunately they have a loving father, aunts and uncles, and both sets of grandparents -- it's wonderful to have an involved family (or whatever you want to convey here). That would let your matches know that there's a lot of family involvement, you're not prowling for a replacement dad, etc.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #6  February 12,2011, 11:46pm
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Given the age of your kids whomever you find WILL BE INVOLVED in your life and that of your kids...this person will be a father figure to them.

I understand you arent looking to be rescued as a single mother....most arent looking to be rescued.

If your children were tennagers then its not as much of an issue.

Say you were married to a guy...would you use the they arent your kids claim against him?
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #7  February 13,2011, 10:12am
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I get what you're getting at, but it has the potential to do more harm than good. A guy could easily read this as "I really don't need you in my life or my children's life." It might also raise concern if you've actually broken away from the father and are ready for a relationship.

I think a phrasing that just says something similar to what Sassafras54 suggests is the better way to go. It says you have two young children and a supportive family.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #8  February 13,2011, 10:45am
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MicMan wrote :
I get what you're getting at, but it has the potential to do more harm than good. A guy could easily read this as "I really don't need you in my life or my children's life." It might also raise concern if you've actually broken away from the father and are ready for a relationship.

I think a phrasing that just says something similar to what Sassafras54 suggests is the better way to go. It says you have two young children and a supportive family.
I too get what you are trying to say, but it is more off-putting than useful, it spells 'baggage' to me - "I have two young kids and we are great just like we are, thank you VERY much, so keep your parenting to yourself!" I would work on the wording, although I like the thought behind it.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #9  February 13,2011, 11:11am
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kitty8903 wrote :
Some additional information I want you to know:

I have two wonderful kids, ages 3 (boy) and 5 (girl). They have a loving father, aunts and uncles, and both sets of grandparents, so I'm not looking for a father or a family for them.
The underlined part is unnecessary and defensive.....and would read very negatively............just state what is and is good rather than ....."So You!...pal, better butt out! We are family.....no need for you ever to be included......please don't put this in........what a turn off.
 
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kitty8903 is offline kitty8903 Post #10  February 13,2011, 9:00pm
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Thanks, everyone! Yes, I am naive, and that's why I'm putting myself out here... to toughen up and learn from others. You guys are awesome.
 
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