close, ignore, or communicate?


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late_bloomer is offline late_bloomer Post #1  February 2,2011, 2:24am
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Hi all,

I'm a newbie to eharmony, and I was wondering what others do in a situation like this.

I've got a few matches that have requested communication. They all seem like nice guys, but there's just something about them that makes me think they're not the match for me. I haven't responded to their requests yet, and I feel a little guilty about it. (I know I probably shouldn't, it's not like I even know them...)

But if I close them, I feel like I come across as rude. (Again, I know, I don't even know them so why should this bother me...) It's like I'm not even giving them a chance. But if I feel in my gut something about this match isn't for me, shouldn't I just go ahead and close?

Then I start thinking I'm being too picky. Just because there's something in their profile that I don't like, does this really mean we wouldn't be a good match?

What should I do? Should I just go ahead and close, or should I keep an open mind and try to communicate? Or keep the match open a little longer to think about it? What does everyone else do?
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  February 2,2011, 3:12am
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That is a good newbie question.

When you get your matches, immediately close any that are a definite 'no'. Don't worry about hurting their feelings. And likewise, get used to being closed out yourself. This is internet dating and people need to thicken their skin a little.

Also, any that are a definite 'yes', immediately send out first questions.

Any that you are on the fence about or don't have photos posted, just let them sit awhile and see if they request communication. If photoless matches try to communicate, send a photo nudge or an icebreaker requesting a photo. (Have a note in your profile that you've revealed your picture and you expect the same from potential matches.) Don't be quick to turn down communication or a date with someone you're undecided about....you never know for sure until you meet.

Once you have about ten matches in communication (some folks here will laugh), turn off matching because you'll be too busy communicating to answer them all. They'll close you out for not answering and you'll need these matches for later when you turn matching back on once things start to clear.

And lastly, don't be afraid to date more than one person at a time for awhile. It's the best way to expedite this whole process and weed out the bad matches.

ETA: This should be enough to get you started.

Good luck.
Last edited by tweet37; February 2,2011 at 3:14am.
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #3  February 2,2011, 3:18am
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late_bloomer wrote :
Then I start thinking I'm being too picky. Just because there's something in their profile that I don't like, does this really mean we wouldn't be a good match?
All depends on what that something is. It's okay to be picky, however IMO picky is when you focus on something that wouldn't even matter if you were in a relationship.

Red flags..I would still communicate if I needed clarification on a data point.

Dealbreakers should be dealbreakers which = Close


wrote :
What should I do? Should I just go ahead and close, or should I keep an open mind and try to communicate? Or keep the match open a little longer to think about it? What does everyone else do?
Close or communicate those are your options. Imo it's rude to leave people hanging who have expressed an interest.


Getting closed is expected, since that is the system we all signed up for. All closing says is I don't think we are a good match...




Welcome to the boards and the wonderful world of e-dating..
Last edited by TrekRyder10; February 2,2011 at 3:26am.
 
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travelchic1913 is offline travelchic1913 Post #4  February 2,2011, 3:37am
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I'm new to eHarmony also and I had the same issue. I close them immediately if I don't think we would work in a relationship (for whatever reason). Unfortunately, the quality of my matches are so bad that means that I'm closing like 95% of my matches each day... Sometimes more than that...

If I'm undecided, I leave them open for a day or two to see if they initiate. If they don't I close.

If I like them I leave them open longer to see if they initiate or close me. I haven't initiated anything with anyone yet. I don't like making the first move (whether online or IRL).

I just wish I got better matches.... I'm trying to be open but if you look like a weirdo or I can't even picture us having a first kiss then I close immediately. I'm 5'8 so I also close a lot of them because of height... I wear heels so if you're 5'6 it's never gonna work.
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #5  February 2,2011, 3:58am
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travelchic1913 wrote :
I'm new to eHarmony also and I had the same issue. I close them immediately if I don't think we would work in a relationship (for whatever reason). Unfortunately, the quality of my matches are so bad that means that I'm closing like 95% of my matches each day... Sometimes more than that...

If I'm undecided, I leave them open for a day or two to see if they initiate. If they don't I close.

I think you're being too quick to close them. What does it hurt to leave them open, especially since you're not having very good luck? You're only decreasing your odds.

If I like them I leave them open longer to see if they initiate or close me. I haven't initiated anything with anyone yet. I don't like making the first move (whether online or IRL).

Then you're only getting half of the service you're paying for. While you're waiting for someone to initiate with you, they're too busy communicating with the women who sent first questions.

I just wish I got better matches.... I'm trying to be open but if you look like a weirdo or I can't even picture us having a first kiss then I close immediately.
My answers in green.
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #6  February 2,2011, 3:58am
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travelchic1913 wrote :
If I like them I leave them open longer to see if they initiate or close me. I haven't initiated anything with anyone yet. I don't like making the first move (whether online or IRL).
With e-dating you are still not making the first move. It's five questions- not a marriage proposal. A match that beats me to the button..moves up the totem pole.

You are paying for a service, and should use it as intended.

You wouldn't join a gym and expect the treadmill to swing by your house every morning to pick you up.. would you?

wrote :
just wish I got better matches.... I'm trying to be open but if you look like a weirdo or I can't even picture us having a first kiss then I close immediately
We all wish that.. IME everytime the photos were perfect, the match wasn't as attractive in person, and when the photos were so-so- I was taken back once we met..

You are going to have a tough e-dating journey if you close out 95% of your matches based on some kissable test..
Sure there is going to be absolute no-ways, but you should rethink that test.
Last edited by TrekRyder10; February 2,2011 at 4:01am.
 
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travelchic1913 is offline travelchic1913 Post #7  February 2,2011, 4:04am
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I wouldn't say I'm not having good luck... I haven't even been on a week and I'm already in communication with some fairly good candidates. For me, the process is supposed to be about screening. If I just wanted to be 'on dates' I could do that without eH. I'm trying to be on dates with the RIGHT people.

About the initiating thing, IMO (and we all know what those are worth) it's more than the simple act of sending questions. If the guy is not "moved" enough by my profile to open communication (or pursue me) then why on earth would I want to go after him? I want the man to take the lead on eH and in the relationship... I'm a very strong woman so if he can't handle approaching me through the computer I'm not sure we'd make it in a relationship..

I don't need to go on a bunch of mediocre dates to feel like I'm getting my money's worth... I'd rather have a few GOOD dates with people that I really want to be on dates with.
Last edited by travelchic1913; February 2,2011 at 4:15am. Reason: typos
 
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travelchic1913 is offline travelchic1913 Post #8  February 2,2011, 4:10am
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Also, not this is scientific evidence but out of all the guys I 'liked' there were only 2 that did not initiate.. I waited about 4 days and they closed me which means they didn't think we were a match.

If I had initiated then they probably would've responded but their level of interest would've been low (however I would not have had any way of evaluating that if I contacted them first). These are the people that I'm screening out by not initiating communication. All the other guys that I liked initiated so it's not been a problem for me..at least not yet.
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #9  February 2,2011, 4:14am
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travelchic1913 wrote :
I don't like making the first move (whether online or IRL).
travelchic1913 wrote :
I'm a very strong woman ....
 
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travelchic1913 is offline travelchic1913 Post #10  February 2,2011, 4:21am
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tweet37 wrote :
What part are you confused about? I can't be strong and dislike pursuing men at the same time??? Regardless of how strong I am, I still enjoy being pursued. I want a man that can take the LEAD. If he can't even approach me then how on earth is he gonna lead the relationship? If he's too submissive/shy whatever you want to call it, we won't work anyway. Might work for some, doesn't work for me. I'm only speaking for myself.
 
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