travelchic1913 is offline travelchic1913 Post #1  February 1,2011, 6:14am
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Hi all. I’m new to eH and also new to the boards. I’m going through communications with this guy and need your opinion on something.

I got a match and he sent me the first set of questions the same day we were matched to which I responded. Next (on the same day) he sent a request for open communication which I accepted. In retrospect, if I had known that I couldn’t switch back to GC then I would’ve refused but I digress. Anyway, in his first message he included his phone number and a request to meet THAT SAME DAY. I don’t even accept same-day first dates IRL let alone with a complete stranger so I declined and said that I wanted to continue the getting to know each other through eH. So two days later after maybe exchanging 2-3 brief emails he says (paraphrasing) ‘It’s been fun emailing with you and I look forward to speaking with you soon.’

In response to that I said that we had only exchanged emails for 2 days and although I would love speaking with him perhaps in a week or so after we have gotten to know each other a little better, I am not comfortable calling & exchanging info at this point. The fact that he came on so strong in his initial email only added to my apprehension. To this he says that he is a bit ADD and really needs to talk to me in order to move forward.

I interpreted this as him again exerting pressure for a call only 2 days after we were matched & after I had just said that I do not wish to call or meet at this point… At this time, I really don’t think a call would do much as nothing that we have discussed has given me a great desire to communicate with him over the phone although if he would allow the process to work maybe then more information could be revealed that would make me want to go further. As an aside, I’m not one for talking on the phone anyway unless I am super interested in a person or have something in particular that I want to speak about. I really feel like we aren’t there yet but that doesn’t mean that we can’t get there in the future. However, his pressure is making me feel like I have to call him NOW or we can’t continue to email so since he is demanding a choice, as of today I don’t plan to call and I might close the match altogether. What is your take on this?
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #2  February 1,2011, 6:27am
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There are some people out there that refuse to meet or even talk on the phone at all. Apparently, they just want to be penpals. A lot of members have met people who spend 2-3 months emailing and still don't want to turn it into something in the real world.

So, after this happens, people tend to want to find out early on if a match is a penpal person so they can move on to somebody looking for a real life relationship.

I think what you describe is a little bit excessive in that a little bit of get to know you through OC is useful. But, I think you'll find a lot of people want to either meet pretty early on.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  February 1,2011, 6:44am
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Most people who are not new to the online thing have learned the hard way that e-mails are a pure waste of time and that you can only figure out if anything is there by meeting face to face in real life. In other words, that there is no such thing as online dating, only an introduction and it's up to the two people to make that introduction work in the real world.

Having said that, sometimes you have to go with your gut and learn your own lessons. I personally don't bat an eye at a guy sending an e-mail or two and then asking to meet. In fact, I prefer it. However, the whole thing about blaming ADD and disregarding your request to exchange just a few more e-mails for comfort seems a bit overboard. It's something that raises an eyebrow at the very least and comes across as deliberately disregarding your express request to slow down a bit. I'd close him.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #4  February 1,2011, 6:47am
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There is only so much you can get to know about someone through an email - I would be careful with this as it could give you a false sense of security. Be careful in meeting someone (public place, etc) whether you've had one or one hundred emails.

Because of that, I don't email very much. A few emails, one or two phone calls, and then meet in a place that meets all the safety suggestions.

What would bug me here is his demand for speed - emails to meet was a one or two week process. Outside of the first couple emails (which were usu. each a day or two apart), phone calls would be one early in the week and we would usually make plans for about a week out, then a phone call to confirm.

I would not have responded positively to his approach at all. The request to meet same day is odd - there's an assumption of your availability, it's rushing things... There's probably a good reason you are uncomfortable (at the very least, this guy is not considerate of other people's requests/comfort levels) and, if it were me, I would pay attention to that and close.
Last edited by lunabeach; February 1,2011 at 6:51am.
 
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travelchic1913 is offline travelchic1913 Post #5  February 1,2011, 6:57am
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Thanks for all the feedback!

Lunabeach I totally agree with what you said, especially the last paragraph. Not only did I have safety concerns, but it also came across as very presumptive that I'd have time to meet him at a moment's notice.

I want to be clear that I'm definitely not one of the non-meeters/ non-talkers that have been mentioned here but I don't think a week of emails is too much to ask since we didn't complete GC. Maybe if we had completed it, I would've been ready for a phone call by that time.

He really seems to be rushing, in spite of my requests to slow down, and it comes across as desperate which is unattractive. I guess it's better that I know this now rather than later.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #6  February 1,2011, 7:14am
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travelchic1913 wrote :
What is your take on this?
My take is basically what dmi said...he's been burned before by the women who want to exchange back & forth emails forever..
now, I also believe there's a balance..and wanting to meet the same day is a little pushy on his part..and a bit inconsiderate.
OK...

I do think that EH should have a note before you accept going to EH email(not sure if the new update does?) fully explaining this
example: "Please keep in mind..once you accept this match's request to go to EH email, you do so with the understanding that you cannot return to guided communication"...
I know the first time I did accept the request, I was unaware of this, also...live and learn.

Ok..this is how I see it:
He sent you a email request, you accepted which he saw as a sign that you don't dig the GC questions and like him, want to move things along faster...then, you find out, whoa...this guy's moving a bit too fast...uh oh, where's my security blanket??(going back to GC questions) you tell him to slow waaaay down..and now he's not sure if you are a "pen pal" online dater.
So he gets your message and backed off but also said he's "looking forward to meeting you/talking with you"...nothing wrong with that.
This is what I do.
So you're both taken aback a little...which makes you apprehensive..you're panicking a bit..you want to slam on the brakes...

My advice is not to close him as you liked his photos and obviously had enough interest in his profile to go to email with him(even though you didn't fully understand the whole process, which is not totally your fault)
communicate...but..make it known to him that you do want to meet..because in the very end, you simply won't know this guy any better until you do.
Last edited by TheThinker; February 1,2011 at 7:17am.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #7  February 1,2011, 7:42am
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Don't feel pressured to move to OC or phone calls more quickly than you would like. It is perfectly reasonable to want to go through the full communication process, since that is one of the hallmarks of the EH system.

At the same time, as others have said, don't spend very long exchanging emails or phone calls. If you seem to have mutual interest, meet as soon as you can.
 
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seekerd is offline seekerd Post #8  February 1,2011, 7:45am
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travelchic1913 wrote :
Not only did I have safety concerns, but it also came across as very presumptive that I'd have time to meet him at a moment's notice.
Internet dating is very impersonal. Each match is just like...a profile...a page on the computer screen and can be closed with a single mouse click.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #9  February 1,2011, 7:45am
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DancingFool wrote :
Most people who are not new to the online thing have learned the hard way that e-mails are a pure waste of time and that you can only figure out if anything is there by meeting face to face in real life.
Yeah, I learned that one the hard way. I spent several months emailing, flirting, chatting, etc with a match. Really liked each other and got along great. Then, we met and zero, zip, nada. Really disappointing.

I agree that this guy is being pushy. But, I also wonder if his penpal detector is going off here. Might have been better to do something along the lines of "I can't make it today, but, how about next weekend? Looking forward to meeting you." You buy some time to exchange emails and get comfortable without giving any reason to think you're going to be a penpal.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #10  February 1,2011, 7:54am
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Dmi and Thinker, I can't see either of you saying this: "To this he says that he is a bit ADD and really needs to talk to me in order to move forward." That is a strange excuse.

Both of your posts show the thought process most people would have but excusing wanting to call or meet on having ADD is not something most people would do. Obviously we don't know exactly what led up to this nor do we know anything about this man, but if he just prefers to speak and meet without extended emailing, why not just say so?

The ADD mention is esp. strange b/c many people have ADD and function perfectly well with only a few adjustments for time or tricks to help with concentration. It's not a one size fits all excuse for being impatient or pushy.
Last edited by lunabeach; February 1,2011 at 7:58am.
 
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