StPaulGirl is offline StPaulGirl Post #11  February 1,2011, 8:00am
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If you wish to be successful in meeting people online for the purpose of romantic relationships - you must move past your security concerns and be willing to talk on the phone and/or meet in person sooner rather than later.

Consider purchasing a pre-paid cell phone for this purpose if you are concerned about sharing your 'real' phone number.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #12  February 1,2011, 8:16am
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lunabeach wrote :
Dmi and Thinker, I can't see either of you saying this: "To this he says that he is a bit ADD and really needs to talk to me in order to move forward." That is a strange excuse.

Both of your posts show the thought process most people would have but excusing wanting to call or meet on having ADD is not something most people would do. Obviously we don't know exactly what led up to this nor do we know anything about this man, but if he just prefers to speak and meet without extended emailing, why not just say so?
yep...but I also think most people don't have ADD..(I, personally, don't know anyone who does...but that's neither here, nor there)
So maybe he's impatient..maybe he's bit of a clod in regard to what the protocol is on EH(is there one??)...or maybe he really does have ADD and knows(or, has been told) he comes off sometimes as being too forward...we don't know if any of that is true or untrue...

My point is that she can close someone now, or send him a few emails and see if he's willing to wait a bit, that's basically what I see going on...because she's told us she's not a "pen pal" match.
I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

So, if she's willing to give him the same, it may prove to be worth it...
If this same thing happened to me...I would not close "her"(the match)
But that's me.
(keep in mind..she did like his photos, she did like his profile(obviously)yada yada..)

That's all I'm saying.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #13  February 1,2011, 9:09am
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I know several people with ADHD, one being my son. I can totally see them not being comfortable with trying to get to know someone through emails and wanting to talk.

You know what? It's just a phone call. After the call you still have a choice to either meet or not meet. What's the harm in talking on the phone?
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #14  February 1,2011, 9:34am
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What you have is a very seasoned, skilled online dater...don't bother getting to know someone if there is no "chemistry", which he can only discern in person, the the cut-to-the-case, kick-the-tires "coffee / drink meet" works for him not to waste time.

If you are not his type when he sees you, he has invested minimal time / money / effort.

eHarmony emphasises a more get-to-know-someone approach, but anyone can join, including those on match / fish / cupid etc.,etc, where meet up quick, check for chemistry is done before you know much about anyone.

He may have ADD but that's a line to hurry the chemistry check.
Agree with this:
seekerd wrote :
Internet dating is very impersonal. Each match is just like...a profile...a page on the computer screen and can be closed with a single mouse click.
 
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ScottK is offline ScottK Post #15  February 1,2011, 10:42am
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Haha!
There is a guy here who advocates doing exactly what this guy did.
(melman, I think?)
His belief is to always send a request to meet (or talk on the phone) in the first email.

Hopefully he will chime in here.

Anyway, to answer your question, as to my take.

There isn't anything wrong with either approach, you just aren't one to talk/meet up fast.

There are plenty of other women on eHarmony that want to meet up right away or at least very soon, so they can judge whether they are interested/attracted to the guy at all, before spending (wasting?) countless hours emailing back and forth, just to find there is no attraction at all during that first meet.

Personally, I always wait for at least 2-3 emails into things, before asking to meet up.
I am not much of a phone guy, so I only do the phone thing, if my Match requests it.

BTW, I HIGHLY recommend NOT allowing the emailing to go on too long before meeting.
There are 2 bad things that can come out of that.

1) The other side loses interest because you aren't meeting, and they will end up chatting up with someone else who will meet up, and they will end up "poofing" on you.

2) You will email for so long, that you will start to "fall in love" with that person on the other end of the emails.
(Yes, unbelievable as it sounds, this can happen!)
When you do eventually meet, if the interest/chemistry isn't there for the other person, and they bail/poof on you, you are going to be VERY hurt, and much more depressed than you would have, if you would have found this out much earlier.
(This is something that happened to me very early on in my eHarmony experience, and trust me, you don't want this to happen... It hurt big time)
 
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travelchic1913 is offline travelchic1913 Post #16  February 1,2011, 11:30am
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There have been some good POVs expressed here. I'm still not sure what I am going to do... Just a couple of things that I want to clarify:

I don't think that one week is too long to email.

I don't go out with anyone on the same day that they call (whether in-person or online) so that freaked me out. Maybe if he hadn't done that, I wouldn't have so much apprehension about the other requests.

I don't go out with every guy I meet. Some guys I like immediately and instantly want to see more of them and some I never call. If I'm indecisive about a guy, I text or email first and if they they spark my interest then I decide to talk them on the phone or go on a date. Getting a phone call is a progressive step for me. I feel like jumping to an 'in-person' meetup is him skipping steps or rushing into something. I consider myself to be fairly attractive and I like to dress up and whatnot so I'm not gonna put all that effort into going on a 'date' with someone that can't be bothered with honoring my requests to email a bit longer after having just been matched 3-4 days ago..

I'm very curious to hear from the member that advocates doing this as a standard practice... I wonder how that is working out for him.
 
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StPaulGirl is offline StPaulGirl Post #17  February 1,2011, 11:37am
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travelchic1913 wrote :
...I'm not gonna put all that effort into going on a 'date' with someone...
When you get more experienced with online dating you will likely conclude that a first meet is not (and should not be) really a date.

Many people prefer to have a first meet that is a drink or cup of coffee because many of your matches a) are quite different in 'real life' than they present themselves to be in their online profile and b) you will have absolutely no chemistry with when you meet them.

So - it is likely that the amount of primping you expect to do for a first date is not the amount of primping you will actually do once you start meeting people you've been introduced to online.
Last edited by StPaulGirl; February 1,2011 at 11:42am.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #18  February 1,2011, 11:51am
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travelchic1913 wrote :

Anyway, in his first message he included his phone number and a request to meet THAT SAME DAY. ... So two days later after maybe exchanging 2-3 brief emails he says (paraphrasing) ‘It’s been fun emailing with you and I look forward to speaking with you soon.’

The fact that he came on so strong in his initial email only added to my apprehension.

I interpreted this as him again exerting pressure for a call only 2 days after we were matched & after I had just said that I do not wish to call or meet at this point…
Ha! My first thought when reading the bolded part above was that this guy must be on these boards! That's a common phrase suggested by many of the veteran online daters - and I have to say I think it is a good suggestion. I am still fairly new to this online dating thing, and I have been trapped in endless emails where nothing is ever said about meeting in person/talking on the phone. What am I supposed to do with that? Are we "friends"? Are we "pen pals"? Aren't we supposed to be "dating"? Or at least seeing if we want to date?

You didn't say what day of the week he asked to meet you. Was this a weekend? If this was a Saturday or a Sunday, I can see him asking for that day, because then it would be a whole other week before you might be able to get together. Maybe one or both of you has kids? Maybe you're long distance? Both of those things would add to the inability to arrange a meeting until another week, or more, had passed.

Like you, normally, I would not meet the guy that same day, unless I felt really good about the prior emails, or he happened to be really close by, or if I just wanted to say "what the heck?" at that particular moment. I do not really like talking on the phone with people I don't know, so I would probably agree to meet sooner rather than later anyway.

He should be respecting your request for more time, but, as I have learned on these boards, some people have little patience for that kind of thing. In that case, he's not the right guy for you, and you'd be wise to move on, if he's not willing to meet you halfway.
 
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travelchic1913 is offline travelchic1913 Post #19  February 1,2011, 12:24pm
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@mitchell175 - The initial email was on a Sunday afternoon. Neither of us have kids and we are both local so none of the barriers that you mentioned apply.

Also to add some more background, I'm also new to the city that I live in. I've only been here 4 months and don't know very many people. Perhaps that adds to my anxiety about him jumping out of the gate suggesting a meeting. If I was back home maybe I'd be more receptive since I was more comfortable there and always had friends to bail me out if something went awry. I immediately told him that I felt he was pressuring me and he aplogized. I THOUGHT he got the message but then the very next day he starts pressuring me about a phone number and a call.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #20  February 1,2011, 12:49pm
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He thinks moving in fast means he's got game...and that is a common online approach. If you find him pushy, pressuring etc. he's got a busy plateful. Only do what you are comfortable with......getting you out of your comfort zone is a pick-up artist tactic.
travelchic1913 wrote :
him jumping out of the gate suggesting a meeting. I immediately told him that I felt he was pressuring me and he aplogized. I THOUGHT he got the message but then the very next day he starts pressuring me about a phone number and a call.
 
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