Is this an arrogant introduction? Vanity or Honesty?


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ForwardUntoDawn is online now ForwardUntoDawn Post #21  January 30,2011, 9:03pm
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Dropdeadredtx wrote :
I'll take arrogance over a low-self-esteem whiner any day of the week.
indeed the wicked have more fun
 
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mansviewpoint is offline mansviewpoint Post #22  January 30,2011, 11:36pm
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Dropdeadredtx wrote :
I'll take arrogance over a low-self-esteem whiner any day of the week.
"Vanity....is definitely my favorite sin." I love that quote. hint hint.

There is a big difference between low self-esteem and over-confidence.

"“We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don't care for.” - Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach
 
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mansviewpoint is offline mansviewpoint Post #23  January 30,2011, 11:38pm
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marcus_thames wrote :
self confidence is great, arrogance is not.
Some people automatically assume low self esteem for being a caring human being sadly.
 
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boschimsp is online now boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #24  January 31,2011, 12:46pm
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Maybe it's just me but I tend to heavily give people the benefit of the doubt in profiles, so for me, this wouldn't have been an instant close.

Generally I don't read too heavily into what someone says, unless it feels like there is an extreme disconnect in values. I'd rather use email, phone, and an in person meeting to suss things out. Granted it probably means a much greater investment of time, but it also means I don't miss out on people who may not be as successful at profile writing.

Part of this is because I have known some people IRL whose dating profiles didn't quite do them justice so I try not read too much into things and keep an open mind.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #25  January 31,2011, 3:00pm
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I really don't care if it's a sign of "honesty" or not ~ that doesn't get brownie points with me because you're supposed to be honest when you write a profile.

What it does tell me is where their values are, how they think, and what is important to them and what they will base their decisions on. Whether they are good at writing profiles or not ~ the point is ~ these were the things that came to them! And as they say, our first gutt reaction is the most honest/best one. This person's first gutt reaction was to say they wanted somebody not just successful and "attractive to them", or "somebody they are at trracted to".. no... they wanted somebody VERY successful and VERY attractive. What's the debate here?

Now we can sit and argue "well what does that mean? it could mean different things to different people?" And really, that's not the point. The point is this person emphasized it and whatever they define it as, it is what is important to them (rather than ohhhh compatibility, goals in life, things that can be shared, etc.)

If you go on to read the rest of that, you can see she's basically looking for a "man trophy" who is .. very successful, very attractive, can make OTHERS laugh (aka... popular and center of attention in groups), has ambition and is confident. This person doesn't want a loving relationship ~ this person wants somebody to MAKE THEM look good in public. Definitely a put off for me.

Now is there a crime in wanting a "partner trophy"? No absolutely not. NOt what I'm into but if others are ~ all the power to them. But as that other respondent said her mother said, "be careful what you ask for." I think it's more appropriate to forewarn the people that respond to that profile than the person who wrote it!

Richey
Last edited by richey; January 31,2011 at 3:07pm.
 
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singinggirl is online now singinggirl Post #26  January 31,2011, 7:19pm
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richey wrote :
If you go on to read the rest of that, you can see she's basically looking for a "man trophy" who is .. very successful, very attractive, can make OTHERS laugh (aka... popular and center of attention in groups), has ambition and is confident. This person doesn't want a loving relationship ~ this person wants somebody to MAKE THEM look good in public. Definitely a put off for me.

Richey
So my ambitious bf who is very successful in his career and very attractive (at least to me),and confident can't have a loving relationship with me??? Really? Funny thing is I would use these words to describe him and feel like we share a very loving relationship. I don't ever trot him out to make me look good and he doesn't do that to me. I think you went a little too far here, Richey. I don't think the two are necessarily independent of one another.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #27  February 1,2011, 2:53am
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singinggirl wrote :
So my ambitious bf who is very successful in his career and very attractive (at least to me),and confident can't have a loving relationship with me??? Really? Funny thing is I would use these words to describe him and feel like we share a very loving relationship. I don't ever trot him out to make me look good and he doesn't do that to me. I think you went a little too far here, Richey. I don't think the two are necessarily independent of one another.
You're quoting him out of context and twisting his logic.

The point he is making is that a person who presents all these demands in a profile as their priority looks in his opinion to be someone who is looking for a status/image b/f instead of a loving relationship.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #28  February 1,2011, 3:44pm
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I've run into many men who put these lists into their profiles and can't understand why women then call them shallow, vain, judgmental, etc, etc. They are just as bad as the list of "I don't wants".

It's so hard to convey both they physical and mental aspects we want in our "perfect" match. I can try to describe him a million ways and someone (somewhere) would find fault in what I write. I also think that just because those descriptors happened to hit the paper does not mean those the most important to the writer.

Even when there is a list I always look at the rest of the profile to see if there is a common theme. If their focus is primarily money, as an example, then I would assume that is very important. If it is appearance, then that is probably high on their list. If there is a nice mix, it was most likely just a poorly written portion of their profile.
 
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SkinsGiants_fan is offline SkinsGiants_fan Post #29  February 1,2011, 4:25pm
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I find the "very attractive" and "very successful" demands off-putting, and it does look like trophy mate hunting. Looks fade, and success can come and go. What happens if you get sick and lose your job? Or you get into a car accident and your face gets scarred? What are the internal qualities (if any) that are going to keep your partner around? You want to know your partner will stick with you through good times and bad, and not trade you in at the first sign of trouble.

Having said that, a lot of my matches work the beauty thing into their profiles. I get a lot of men who say they are looking for a girl "who is beautiful inside and out" or "someone who takes good care of her body" (translation: not fat).
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #30  February 1,2011, 5:16pm
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mansviewpoint wrote :
I am just wondering what most people think about this. I have noticed more and more that women are saying things like this in their supposed to be ONE thing they are looking most for in someone, so here is the example.

"There are very many things that are important to me, like ambition, humor, and confidence. Someone that is motivated, is very successful, can make others laugh, and is very attractive.."

Anyway, to me personally this person seems very superficial because of two items:

"very successful"
"very attractive"

To understand my question you'll need to read further... I have NEVER had a problem with self confidence, and consider myself to fit within these descriptions very well. So I am posting this because I am just so curious. HOWEVER; I would NEVER consider this person, and closed them the moment I read this (I don't think I even made it to her photos), because for some of us men this sounds like they are looking for Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, George Clooney, (etc etc fill in your own fav.) with with Bill Gate's wallet. So my intuition is that this person is way too superficial. But I am seeing SO many women in their 30's post things like this!?!?

This is very common to read - with "successful" and "ambitious" (the latter often misspelled) being the two most popular demands.

The thing is, I usually have to close them too.

Most profiles demanding perfection (or even a single element, like "successful" or "attractive"), bring nothing of note to the table, and I close immediately for being beneath me and reaching far out of their league.

If the woman has what she seeks (unheard of locally, but somewhat common in Manhattan matches), then it's at least not a character flaw to seek it. The problem then becomes that it's really not good form to demand things in profiles - it's best to just present oneself in a positive light, and let suitable people be drawn toward you.

So, of the women who had what they were seeking, I still didn't like the profiles but would often write them anyway.

I do not consider it superficial to seek this list - it's actually some of the most important points for cimpatibility and relationship success (at, by those who have what they seek.)

***

Part of this is two sides to a problem:

- Women are inundated by e-mails, so they overrate their league. ("I got 100 e-mail yesterday and there were two business executives, three attorneys, and a doctor, so that is what I can get.")

- Women are spammed by indiscriminate men, so they put these lists up (niavely) thinking the men will limit themselves if they don't fit. For this possibility, I'd write some of these profiles, personally.
 
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