Straight to Communication All the Time?


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
JL133 is offline JL133 Post #1  December 19,2010, 6:06pm
JL133's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2010

Posts: 8

See profile

After reading some of these boards - particularly by guys - I'm curious if anyone goes straight to email or secure call on any matches they're interested in. Like many on these boards, I'm frustrated by the high percentage of people who must be non-paying members that I'm requesting communication with that are already by the wayside, the seemingly low percentage of people who actually do use the site that respond, etc. No offense intended, but the few girls who have sent me communication have not been in what I'd consider my league at all and right now I'm not being what I'd consider "picky."

But as a guy I'm perfectly content admitting that I need to be the one initiating communication and have been willing to initiate communication somewhat liberally. I'm sure there are some errors needing correction in my profile, but it is rather positive, non-exclusive or demanding, and I am an attractive guy. I've heard others say their success rate would be much higher in the 'real' world - at a bar, grocery store, coffee shop, whatever. I am in agreement - so long as the girl I'm talking with meet the personality profiles that this site can determine for me.

On the one hand, I like the fact the site will cut down girls I flat out won't get along with but the guided communication phases seem to be too long and gives an excuse for the other half to snub someone coldheartedly. But give me the chance to joke around with a girl, talk about where we'd go on a date, etc. I think peoples' expectations are WAY too high (both guys and girls) and people can be too nitpicky about little things prior to allowing any form of real communication versus a self-made advertisement.

So - has anyone had success attempting to steamline communication in all cases versus going through guided communication or does it seem to not matter - or perhaps even scare people off? I'm interested in hearing from people who have done both.
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  December 19,2010, 7:35pm
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

JL133 wrote :
After reading some of these boards - particularly by guys - I'm curious if anyone goes straight to email or secure call on any matches they're interested in. Like many on these boards, I'm frustrated by the high percentage of people who must be non-paying members that I'm requesting communication with that are already by the wayside, the seemingly low percentage of people who actually do use the site that respond, etc. No offense intended, but the few girls who have sent me communication have not been in what I'd consider my league at all and right now I'm not being what I'd consider "picky."

But as a guy I'm perfectly content admitting that I need to be the one initiating communication and have been willing to initiate communication somewhat liberally. I'm sure there are some errors needing correction in my profile, but it is rather positive, non-exclusive or demanding, and I am an attractive guy. I've heard others say their success rate would be much higher in the 'real' world - at a bar, grocery store, coffee shop, whatever. I am in agreement - so long as the girl I'm talking with meet the personality profiles that this site can determine for me.

On the one hand, I like the fact the site will cut down girls I flat out won't get along with but the guided communication phases seem to be too long and gives an excuse for the other half to snub someone coldheartedly. But give me the chance to joke around with a girl, talk about where we'd go on a date, etc. I think peoples' expectations are WAY too high (both guys and girls) and people can be too nitpicky about little things prior to allowing any form of real communication versus a self-made advertisement.

So - has anyone had success attempting to streamline communication in all cases versus going through guided communication or does it seem to not matter - or perhaps even scare people off? I'm interested in hearing from people who have done both.
To answer your basic question a little background. In the past (like a year ago) eHarmony indicated on your matches profile it they preferred Guided Communication or going directly to e-mail. Rarely did you come across a match that preferred going directly to e-mail.

Now, it seems that you feel that if you were to go directly to e-mail (or Secure Call) communication that you would have a higher percentage of matches that would communicate. The fact is that about 90% of your matches are non-paying members who can't communicate. Furthermore most non-paying members are also non-active meaning they don't view or close you. It does not matter what method of communication you wish to use if there is no one on the other end to receive your message then you have the same result.

With respect to the part of your post that I highlighted in red, if it was a true fact that you (or any of the other posters who say they) have better success IRL I have to question why you would have even considered eHarmony or any other dating site in the first place. I rather suspect that if you logically think about your experience of finding dates IRL that you will find that if you were to go to a bar / club (or venue of your choice) with 100 girls that you would not walk away with more than one girls phone number at the end of the night. When you began talking her up the only thing that you knew about her was that you thought she was "hot".
 
  Reply With Quote
JL133 is offline JL133 Post #3  December 19,2010, 8:41pm
JL133's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2010

Posts: 8

See profile

You may have missed the last part of the phrase you highlighted. I qualified that and said that if I could openly communicate with women who are pre-screened the way matches are on E-Harmony, I would have a much higher success rate - as would anyone. I think that's a complete given for any person out there, other than people who are very subpar communicators.

In my opinion, there is a distinct advantage of this site in making a meaningful relationship based on personality dimensions versus other sites but extreme weakness in how the site enhibits/encourages communication. The former reasons are why I'm on this site - I believe compatability can go a long way, but it seems to me that once those matches are met, there are many logjams - not to mention (as you pointed out) the fact that a very high percentage of "matches" aren't even really in the pool to begin with. Nothing you can really do about the latter (though the site should) but to me, once those compatability dimensions are met it should be all about being able to figure out whether you like this particular person by interacting with them, where it seems that the attitude is a "pie in they sky" dream (perhaps related to EH's advertisements) about whether it will even reach that point and people get way too critical before they get to the point of real interaction.
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  December 20,2010, 9:13am
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

The fact that I ask questions, even in First Questions, that provide me with pertinent information about my matches is a concept that seems to be quite foreign to most people, including my matches. I therefore do not consider that the eHarmony Guided Communication process is an impediment to the process of communication with a match.

If you feel that Guided Communication serves no purpose to you then you can always click on the "Skip to e-mail" button and send your match an e-mail as the first communication. If she declines then you will know that she can't communicate and therefore is incompatible with you.
 
  Reply With Quote
SkinsGiants_fan is offline SkinsGiants_fan Post #5  December 21,2010, 6:21pm
SkinsGiants_f…'s Avatar

whips her hair back and forth

Pacesetter

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 357

See profile

I don't have a definitive view one way or another on this topic, but sometimes women would like more information and time to make up their minds about a match, and going through GC can accomplish that. Whereas going straight to e-mail puts pressure on a woman to make up her mind faster about a guy she knows nothing about, aside from what's in the profile. Because there's little doubt that within an e-mail or two he'll be asking for her phone number.

At least that's how I felt when a guy asked to go straight to e-mails a few weeks ago. I decided to go ahead on the theory that maybe he just wanted a free-flowing conversation, rather than pre-selected questions... but he barely offered up two sentences containing information that was already in his profile and asked for my phone number. Seems to me that guy was a little lazy, trying to cut corners on the process by gathering phone numbers quickly all while putting in very little thought or work.

I suppose there's no harm in asking to go straight to e-mails, though; if your match selects GC then just cheerfully move ahead with GC.
 
  Reply With Quote
SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #6  December 22,2010, 10:11am
SteveManchest…'s Avatar

is too happy

Power Poster

Joined: Dec 2010

rainy uk

Posts: 5,026

See profile

any girl who has skipped to email has either moaned about how they are no longer a subscriber! or moaned about how the site isn't working or told me they are "seeing someone" - so any attempt to skip GC is now rejected by me.

and if a girl thinks it is too much effort to go through the GC process then I'd prefer a girl that does like to find out as much as possible before meeting someone. If a girl has any sense she will find out as much as possible about a man in the early stages, that kind of approach impresses me.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; December 22,2010 at 10:16am.
 
  Reply With Quote
carriern2 is offline carriern2 Post #7  January 31,2011, 8:16pm
carriern2's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2011

Posts: 1

See profile

Have to agree with Skins. The few times I've agreed to go directly to email, the guy usually just said "hi, how's it going?" Not much of a conversation starter!
 
  Reply With Quote
Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #8  January 31,2011, 9:34pm
Wonderwoman40…'s Avatar

L'Chayim!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2009

Omaha, NE

Posts: 4,495

See profile

JL133 wrote :
........if I could openly communicate with women who are pre-screened the way matches are on E-Harmony, I would have a much higher success rate - as would anyone. .....
Pre-screened? There isn't much pre-screening going on with eH, so I hope you aren't hanging your hat on that. Except for geography, age-range, and smoking preference, I couldn't tell an eHarmony match for me from any random stranger.

As for going straight to eHarmony Mail every time instead of going through Guided Communication, you may have a few takers on that but I would guess most women still like the GC process better. Personally, I felt the eHarmony profiles provided so little info about my matches (compared to other dating site profiles) that I wanted the incrementally small additional info about my match before the open communication. To let your sparkling personality shine through in GC, make full use of the fill-in-the-blank options on the multiple choice questions. It doesn't take too long to get through GC if your match is interested, and if they're not interested GC or eHM won't make much difference.

As far as Secure Call, I don't know of anyone on here who has ever used that. I would think it quite uncommon, and for the most part unnecessary. I would be surprised if you get any takers to go from GC straight to a Secure Call, but exchange a few emails and most will give you their actual phone number so you can talk.

The few times I accepted a straight to email request from a match, I was disappointed in him and the quality of communication/questions he offered at that point.

JL133 wrote :
I think peoples' expectations are WAY too high (both guys and girls) and people can be too nitpicky about little things prior to allowing any form of real communication versus a self-made advertisement.
Don't kid yourself... your profile, or "self made advertisement," IS real communication. Just like a resume for a job, if you want a shot at moving forward you need to make a good first impression here because the profile is a screening tool. You use it that way yourself. I'm not sure what "little things" you think people are being "too nitpicky" about, but as long as you are portraying yourself accurately and in an interesting way you shouldn't have to worry about those who would screen you out for things in your profile. If they do, that means you weren't a good match in the first place.
 
  Reply With Quote
charmed59 is offline charmed59 Post #9  January 31,2011, 10:20pm
charmed59's Avatar

Life is good.

Veteran

Joined: Apr 2010

Northern California

Posts: 1,074

See profile

I don't know if the 29 dimensions do much screening or not. I did find the guys that felt they needed to complete the entire process through to OC tended to be a bit more buttoned up than I could handle. Perhaps it was the bad boy/rule breaker that appealed to me. :-)

I met my boyfriend 7 months ago on eHa. He went along with the first questions, and went to email before the MH/CS lists. He told me in the three months he was active he never went all the way through to OC, and ended up on first meets with half a dozen different ladies.

He had a few reasons he didn't go through the entire GS, the biggest reason being he didn't have 10 deal breakers, either in the must haves or the can't stands. He didn't want to be closed because he had to pick 10. He felt there were too many that could be misconstrued, and didn't want to count on that.

He was also very good at email. He said in general he would send emails back and forth for a week or two before meeting. He didn't jump to phone or regular email, waiting until he felt they felt comfortable enough to meet. Due to travel, and just the pure number of matches we were each rummaging through, we actually emailed almost a month before our first meet.

I know in general most people of both genders joined eHa for the guided communications. But I also know there is a healthy number of folks that find the guided communications limiting. By cutting short GC you may lose some women who are a bit more timid. If you are patient enough to go back to GC with them I would guess most of them would give you another chance. Then again, you could use that as your 30th dimension of compatibility, as my boyfriend and I did.
 
  Reply With Quote
RedApple is offline RedApple Post #10  January 31,2011, 10:52pm
RedApple's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: May 2010

Posts: 105

See profile

I prefer GC, simply as a work-around for eH's bug of matching me with non-paying members. GC only takes 2 seconds per match to start. When I get a response, it's clear there's a paying member on the other end. At that point I actually read the profile, decide if I want to communicate with her or not, if yes I write some questions related to her profile etc.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« 7 Principles of Positive Profile Writing | Using eHarmony | Is it really that hard to follow through? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Second time around with this girl, what do you think? radChad Dating 11 February 26,2012 5:07pm
Am I wasting my time on him? corgilver Ask a Dating Expert 20 November 2,2010 2:13pm
Whose time is more valuable: his or hers? liquid_steel Ask a Dating Expert 8 October 17,2010 8:33am
Is my communication experience on Eharmony whacky or what? KuKu Using eHarmony 15 September 4,2010 11:12pm
Free Communication Weekend: Advice for Visitors Robert_inSD Using eHarmony 12 April 9,2010 9:05pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ Where's the other boot?” –  Breezy1

Join the “She stared at my feet. Is this normal?” discussion

“Exit interviews are highly recommended in many dating books and in other life strategy books. They are very effective. I think he would answer honestly to the some point. I know that is horrible and ... ” –  biking_girl

Join the “Exit interview after unsuccessful date” discussion

“And I'd also add that while a successful stable job down the road and a solid income is helpful in attracting a woman, it's no guarantee that finding love will be easy for you. I know plenty of men ... ” –  boschimsp

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“I think if someone says they can't meet you for weeks, they are lukewarm interested. Even if he were truly busy with a project, he'd be able to drop you an email or a text here and there. I took ... ” –  Carole1520

Join the “Did he poof?” discussion

“ Yes, illegal aliens aren't treated as illegals. lol OP, trust your gut. A few months ago, I met a guy on match, who said his membership was expiring, and gave me his IM so we could chat. I ... ” –  Carole1520

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“Stop humping my leg.” –  Breezy1

Join the “Comment to win a FREE month of eHarmony!” discussion

“I thought this thread was about exercise. Positive OP though...nice to see.” –  Breezy1

Join the “It's a matter of fit” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 7:22pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0