A Whole New Way To Look At Open Communication


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melman is offline melman Post #1  November 1,2010, 9:42pm
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Another poor article. Clearly the author has never used eH and has never experienced the ways that OC can blow up.

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But what if you answered: "I feel happiest and most alive when I'm on the water." Or, "No matter what the language , I love how I can really relate to the feelings of the characters in foreign film. I feel so moved by how alike we all are despite our particular circumstances." Or even, "I love how I can shut the world out and escape to another place. I feel entranced."
eH communication should never read like an essay. It can't read like you agonized and wordsmithed every single word. That says to your reader "I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to 'perform' in my writing." And no one likes that.

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Let's try another example: suppose he wants to know what one possession you'd save if your house was on fire. ... Say, "Oh my. It feels really scary to think about this. In fact, I really don't even want to consider it. The only thing I'd want is to be near the people I love so I could feel safe."
What kind of non-answer is that?

Now it's true that it's a stupid question, but if you're not going to answer it, at least have the creativity to make a joke out of it. Turn the question back on the asker and let him know that you know how silly a question that is.

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When you go first and open your heart, you will naturally create a safe space for him to express himself. The more you reveal from your heart, the safer he will feel opening up his. And that's when real connection happens. That's how people become close friends, and that's how they fall in love.


"Real connection" can not happen in e-communication. The way you connect, is to meet. The way you meet, is to get in and out of OC as fast as you can. Let your match know that you are interested in meeting (you are hoping to meet people, aren't you?), and go from there.

eH, what will you pay me to write articles for you? I can't do any worse than your "guest authors" do.
Last edited by melman; November 1,2010 at 9:54pm.
 
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charmed59 is offline charmed59 Post #2  November 1,2010, 10:27pm
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melman wrote :
eH communication should never read like an essay. It can't read like you agonized and wordsmithed every single word. That says to your reader "I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to 'perform' in my writing." And no one likes that.
I wouldn't say "no one". I really like a well worded communication. I love the witty stories and page long responses. I've found that guys who "perform" in their writing are just the kinds of guys I like getting to know. A huge secret is many women could live without the pictures if a guy had an amazingly well written, endearing profile and communications. Heck, I've seen guys on another board get swooned over by many a single lady when no one has any idea what they look like.


melman wrote :
What kind of non-answer is that?

Now it's true that it's a stupid question, but if you're not going to answer it, at least have the creativity to make a joke out of it. Turn the question back on the asker and let him know that you know how silly a question that is.
It's the diplomatic non-answer. The risk of turning the question back on the asker is they picked that question for a reason, if you let them know it was silly you are risking insulting them. Now, sometimes the question is so far from anything you'd normally answer that you are willing to risk insulting them, as if the question was important to them, you aren't a match. But if it's just a little out there, and the match otherwise looks interesting, a safe non-answer might be prudent.

melman wrote :
"Real connection" can not happen in e-communication. The way you connect, is to meet. The way you meet, is to get in and out of OC as fast as you can. Let your match know that you are interested in meeting (you are hoping to meet people, aren't you?), and go from there.

eH, what will you pay me to write articles for you? I can't do any worse than your "guest authors" do.
I'm guessing your articles would be much more entertaining.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #3  November 2,2010, 2:03am
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Agree, it is a silly non-answer.
I would be extremely turned off by an (non)answer such as this.

It signals immature drama queen, poor communicator and insincere damsel in distress.. yuck

I hope people don't follow this advice.

melman wrote :
wrote :
Let's try another example: suppose he wants to know what one possession you'd save if your house was on fire. ... Say, "Oh my. It feels really scary to think about this. In fact, I really don't even want to consider it. The only thing I'd want is to be near the people I love so I could feel safe."
What kind of non-answer is that?
.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #4  November 2,2010, 2:28am
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melman wrote :
Another poor article. Clearly the author has never used eH and has never experienced the ways that OC can blow up.

eH communication should never read like an essay. It can't read like you agonized and wordsmithed every single word. That says to your reader "I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to 'perform' in my writing." And no one likes that.
I agree it shouldn't read like an essay. Not because it speaks to "performing" or "not performing," exactly, though... More because you want it to read like conversation. A casual, conversational tone is more engaging and endearing than a stiff, clichéd-sounding essay answer. (Oh, actually that is about performing, I guess. I just didn't think of it like that...)

Something can be witty and well-written and still not "essay-like."

melman wrote :
What kind of non-answer is that?

Now it's true that it's a stupid question, but if you're not going to answer it, at least have the creativity to make a joke out of it. Turn the question back on the asker and let him know that you know how silly a question that is.
Agreed. If I ask a question, I want an answer. If you're not going to answer it, at least entertain me with a joke.

melman wrote :
"Real connection" can not happen in e-communication. The way you connect, is to meet. The way you meet, is to get in and out of OC as fast as you can. Let your match know that you are interested in meeting (you are hoping to meet people, aren't you?), and go from there.
Agreed.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #5  November 2,2010, 5:44am
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chimerical wrote :
I agree it shouldn't read like an essay. Not because it speaks to "performing" or "not performing," exactly, though... More because you want it to read like conversation. A casual, conversational tone is more engaging and endearing than a stiff, clichéd-sounding essay answer. (Oh, actually that is about performing, I guess. I just didn't think of it like that...)

Something can be witty and well-written and still not "essay-like."
Exactly. I always write that profiles and other communications should use casual, upbeat, and conversational language. Your match should be able to imagine you sitting across the table, saying the words out loud. Over-the-top verbose writing just doesn't work

Someone else wrote that they in fact like the "witty stories and page long responses". I'm guessing that this person likes to fantasize about her matches, and never actually meets them.
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #6  November 2,2010, 5:53am
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Hm... I think i see what you are saying, but in general the point of the article seems to say to simply show feelings more than just facts.

I think her non-answer about what item she'd want from a burning house wasn't very good, or help the article, but the article's point was to add feeling.

Which answer would you prefer to hear...
what one possession you'd save if your house was on fire:
1. My photo album
2. My photo album contains so many memories from when I was a kid to all the amazing times I've had with friends and families. It would mean a lot to me if I could preserve that.
3. OMG the flames, they would be so scary, please love me and protect me because I'm so weak and frail and I can't think.

I think the article was really looking for an example like #2. Anyway, its seems the point of the article was to open your heart and feelings in your answers and not just reply with basic facts to questions.

There is a fine line though. Say too much, get too emotional, and it reads like verbal diarrhea.
Last edited by Mythical; November 2,2010 at 5:55am.
 
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charmed59 is offline charmed59 Post #7  November 2,2010, 6:44am
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melman wrote :
Someone else wrote that they in fact like the "witty stories and page long responses". I'm guessing that this person likes to fantasize about her matches, and never actually meets them.
I think it is really an example of everyone's different. I remember when I put one of my profile answers up for review your response was it was too long and sounded like an essay answer. I looked it over, decided it sounded like me and put it up anyway. Got lots of responses, including some genuinely great essay answers. In the two weeks my account was accepting matches got past OC and met three eHarmony guys in person. Five months later I am still in a relationship with one of those. So it can lead to relationships, not just fantasies.

I was active on a young widows board. There were quite a few romances and marriages built on that board alone. (And that was NOT the point of the board.) Those relationships started with couples liking the way the other writes. No pictures. No big profiles behind the user name. All words. It can work.
 
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greg75 is offline greg75 Post #8  November 2,2010, 8:08am
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I don't think the article is meant to be taken literally. Meaning, the whole point is to not give a one word answer. Just like when I would get emails from matches on other sites that read like this: "You have nice eyes." Or better yet, "Hey!"

I think that is the whole point of the article. Just to make your answers a bit more interesting.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #9  November 2,2010, 11:28am
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I do agree ...I dont like wordy non answers....but....I do prefer matches who seem to respond in a little more detail rather than just a short factual question.

Think of this on a date with her...you ask a question and all the responses you get are yes/no or very short answers?
 
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teadams is offline teadams Post #10  November 2,2010, 3:26pm
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I agree
 
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