Question for the women of eHarmony - How do men 'market' themselves & what do you look for in a profile?


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Mr_Cutlass is offline Mr_Cutlass Post #1  October 30,2010, 7:17pm
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Ok, I just renewed my eHarmony subscription today. My girlfriend (whom I met on eHarmony and dated for 10 months) and I broke up over the summer but now I have decided that I am ready to date again. Along with renewing my subscription to eHarmony, I thought I would join the message boards and see what it's like (you seem like a nice bunch).

So, I have a two part question for the ladies on here (please, bare with me). I know this may be a difficult question to answer because it requries a general response and everyone is unique, but how do men tend to 'market' themselves in their profiles on eHarmony? I have never seen male profiles on here before (other than my own, of course) so I am very curious about this. I mean, what do men tend to emphasize? Does it tend to be things like physical attactiveness (their photos), their education, occupation, money, that they are 'fun' to be with, their values (religous beliefs, etc)?

The second part of my question is, what advice would you give these men? What do yout think men tend to overemphasize and underemphasize (that you would like to see more of) in their profiles? I ask these questions because not only am I curious, but it may help me with my profile as well. Any and all comments are appreciated.

Thank you and have a wonderful day!

-Brian
Last edited by Mr_Cutlass; October 30,2010 at 7:59pm. Reason: Typo
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  October 30,2010, 11:42pm
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Hi Mr Cutlass, and welcome to EHA.

One thing you can do is go on a free site and search for men in your demographic, and read their profiles. Also, some people post their EH profiles here in this forum for review; look through the forum for threads titled something like "profile review please" -- you can see other mens' profiles here.

My experience on EH is that different men emphasize different things. Not surprisingly! You want to emphasize the kinds of things that would appeal to women you'd be interested in, right?

So if you're looking for a homebody, emphasize your homebodiness; if you like to party, talk about partying. If you want kids, say so; if you don't, say that. And so on.

You could post your profile (and pictures if you want) here for feedback: http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...tructions.html
 
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gummibearlover is offline gummibearlover Post #3  October 31,2010, 2:53am
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hi---yes we are all different. Im looking for an attractive, active, man with similiar values close in age who likes children and probably wants another. I am all the things im looking for. I feel men(and from what i hear from single male friends)and women overemphasize money/financial status and things like travel--its actually a turnoff if its too prominent in a man's profile and makes me think his other offerings(ie a nurturing personality, kindness) may be weak .

I think a lot of the profiles are fine. I would say when someone writes to me initially(in OC) and doesnt tell me any more about themself(anything children, passions, job, activities in their life, and forgets to compliment me and ask me questions then i lose interest at that point and close. I am 41 and have always been considered beautiful and fun so i am expecting a man to try to impress me a bit and be a little open and thats what makes men appealing . Some men have come across as cocky instead of what i want which is them as selling to me and me as buying(the mars/venus guy explains this well). I like it when men are clear about important things like religion and most men seem to put down maybe for kids which seems a little confusing in the 36-46 age bracket i am interested in. Good luck
 
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Soraya is offline Soraya Post #4  October 31,2010, 4:59am
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Hi Brian

as for the first part of your question, most matches I get tend to emphasize what they are loving/liking: their hobbies, description of their job, kids in their family, how they spend their leisure time, their religion. There are only a few who emphasize superficial things like their income, their cars, their appearance. But that could be a matter of my settings (what I'm looking for).

as for the second part of your question, I think most men have really good profiles which tell a lot about them. To emphasize 'favorites' is always interesting. It also tells a lot about a man's character.
I would wish men would write a little bit more about their values. Values are very important to me when it comes to dating. A man can write about them in the "passionate about" field i.e. "I'm passionate about the good old values such as loyalty, faith..." Or he can write which values he's looking for. But the first one or both is definitely the best idea in my eyes. Another thing I wished my matches would emphasize is what they make laugh. One of the first things I want to know is what makes him laugh? How humorous is he?
I'd give you the advice to post some pictures that show you in your daily life (Traveling, at work, with friends, church, at sporting events...). No restroom shots! No car posing (even if you have an Aston Martin. I love them but it's just inappropriate. ). No shirtless pics (reason s. above). If you like or love your job, then write about it on your profile. I really love it when I feel a man's job passion and enthusiasm. It's always a good sign. Write why you like your job, i.e. "I'm passionate about helping sick people" instead of "I'm physician/nurse". But don't write too much about it. Ladies might think that you don't have a social life at all. If a man only writes "I'm passionate about my job. I'm physician.", this is a red flag to me (and I think not only to me).
Write about everything that makes you feel enthusiasm (no matter what it is)! You will transform it into your message and it will be a joy to read it.
The biggest mistake you can do is not to write phrases and only use words. This is a huge red flag to me. It signifies laziness or boredom.

I can only speak for myself but I hope I gave you some ideas for your own profile.
Last edited by Soraya; October 31,2010 at 5:23am. Reason: Typo
 
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Diana_P is offline Diana_P Post #5  October 31,2010, 12:01pm
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One thing that is an immediate turn off for me is when the profile starts with a laundry list of demands. For example: must have a nice body, must know how to have a good time, must be adventurous, etc. I get that these things are important to some people and if they are a part of your personality it is natural for you to seek the same. However, making demands like this upfront comes across as arrogant and insensitive even if the woman reading your profile fits the criteria.

When you are trying to sell something do you make demands of the buyer? Of course not; it is ridicules to assume that you are in a position to do so. Remember, if you are putting up a profile you are in a buyers market not a sellers market so please don’t insult the buyer! Spend that energy focusing on your selling points and leave the price haggling until after you’ve caught someone’s interest, LOL!
 
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wandering_star is offline wandering_star Post #6  October 31,2010, 12:22pm
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for me, the guys with wider ranging interests included in their profiles were more interesting -- and they were more effective profiles (in my opinion) when the pictures backed up the interests.

so, if a guy's profile says he into rock climbing, surfing, or playing scrabble with elderly people in a park, i won't be really impressed by a bunch of pictures of the guy out at bars with his buddies.

hope that was helpful!
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #7  October 31,2010, 1:01pm
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The things women say they like are the things they know they like. There are a lot of things we are not aware of. As far as pictures/interests go, I've learned not to try to appeal to widest audience...I was getting a lot of dates, but it was all very shallow. With my more "me" profile, my response rates have dropped a bit but people I've communicated/met with are "better" for me.

I will say, make sure you demonstrate your value. A lot of men try to do this by posting pics that show off material possessions, which has it's market but if you have something to offer beyond that, make sure you show it. Someone who writes a profile with a tone that appeals (usu. along the lines of blunt/straightforward), uses words that have more than 2 syllables, and writes something interesting in the book section peaks my interest. Someone who does not have a unique voice in writing, misspells common words, and does not read or make an effort to answer the questions is someone I pass on.

I value communication, literacy, and an interest in learning/the ability to analyze.
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #8  October 31,2010, 1:01pm
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Mr_Cutlass is offline Mr_Cutlass Post #9  October 31,2010, 2:35pm
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Thank you all very much for your responses. You have given me some excellent things to think about and I greatly appreicate your input.

I think a major challenge for lots of men (regarding their profiles) is to come off as confident and like we have something to offer, without souding cocky or arrogant. Obviously men are going to emphasize what they feel their strengths are, but it's far more complicated than that. You have given me some insight as to how some men go about this.

One of my main goals in constructing my profile is to present areas of myself that I think are strengths that I think will be attractive to potential daters, while trying not to exaggerate any one aspect. I am someone who places a high value on formal education. I have a Bachelor's degree, a Master's degree, and am currently working on my Ph.D.. When I orginally joined eHarmony, I thought that my educational background would be a real strength for me attacting women. I figured that my education would set me apart for most men (only 3% of the population have doctorates). However, I am finding that sometimes this may be having the reverse effect. There have been times where I have made it to the open communication stage and the first comment I get from a girl goes something like, "it's been great communicating with you thus far...but I only have a bachelor's degree, not sure if you'd really be interested in me".

I am not sure why they would think this, because if I wasn't interested in them, I would have never pursued them in the first place. My fear is that, some women immediately close me because they are intimiated to date someone who is highly educated (like someone who is getting a Ph.D.). A question I have for the women out there is, if you saw that your match either had a Ph.D. or was getting a Ph.D., would that intimidate you at all?

I can relate to this myself, but in a different way for different reasons. I certainly have closed women out immediately for various reasons. An example is that if I thought they were out of my league physically, I wouldn't even bother pursuing them (like, if I think a girl is a 10 in their photos and I perceive myself to be a 7, I'm not going to be feeling too confident about that particular match).

Again, I am just trying to piece some things together from some experiences that I have had thus far. I just renewed my eHarmony subscription yesterday and I am going to solicit you folks for opinions and lean on you for input. That's what these boards are for, right? Too help each other out. The more we understand the various dynamics that go on regarding the eHarmony experience, the higher probability we'll have of being successful.

Thank you for your time!
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  October 31,2010, 4:46pm

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Hi Mr_Cutlass –

I think it’s great that you’re thinking about how you’re coming across to your matches. Since you met someone through eHarmony previously, you must know how to do some things right.

I think that as long as you’re not trying to “prove” anything, there’s no harm in posting your strengths. You said that rather than boasting about your education, you mentioned education because it’s a value that you have. You’ll probably draw someone who has a similar value, especially if you write it on your profile as such. If you would rather have your matches get to know you before you share your education level, you might see if that makes a difference for the kind of result you’re looking for.

I think that listing something because it’s a value is very legitimate – it’s also legitimate, to list something with the thought in mind that it’s something you have to offer a match. I guess if you’re using “marketing” as an analogy, you could think in terms of what your target audience/demographic would ideally be, think about what you genuinely have that might be appealing to that person, and write it.

Another thing to consider is that you may have just had some matches who had certain beliefs about themselves and education, and those particular women reacted that way. I don’t know if it necessarily follows that every woman with a Bachelor’s level of education would feel the same. Also, I would think that if you explained your stance, some women would then understand and be fine with continuing the communication.

Just to give some perspective – I see many people with PhD level educations getting coupled with another of a different education level all the time. I don’t necessarily know what the put on their profiles, though.

All the best,

~Kate
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