For the over 40 crowd...women initiating?


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marissa105 is offline marissa105 Post #1  October 26,2010, 5:08pm
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I read the boards about how its fine for women to initiate communication, but in my five months of experience, it has never gone anywhere. I will wait a few days after the match, and if a man seems interesting, I will send him the first questions. In my unscientific survey, out of 30 "tries", I have been closed, or had no response in 27. The other 3 did send one response or two, but then "poofed". Fear not, as I have had men iniatite communication and I have gone on several dates. One gentleman even turned into a three month relationship (during which time I did not do EH). Said gentleman (age 52) said he never responded when women initiated as he wanted to do the hunting.
So, now that I am back to EH, I wonder if its related to age and perhaps mid-century men are more old school and DON'T like it when women initiate. I would think they would be flattered, but as I said, I have had no luck at all. so I sit...Waiting for Mr. Right to find me. Thoughts?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  October 26,2010, 5:31pm
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I would wager this is less age, and more location.

I am 38, and getting the first questions from a woman is a sign she is an active user of the site. (Most of your matches are not, which is the real reason for the 90% who didn't reply.)

For myself, I do not can who initiates, but seeing a woman has viewed my profile and not sent the questions is a turn-off. If you choose not to initiate, I think you are best off not to even look at their profiles.
 
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margaret18 is offline margaret18 Post #3  October 26,2010, 5:32pm
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i am 49 and female and initiate when i feel like it.

i will not stop doing this no matter what i read on these boards.

HOWEVER, the reality is, in my experience, things go a lot faster and smoother to get to a meeting when the man intiates with me.

i've seen women post here who are worried there is a power dynamic if they initiate.... that the man thinks she is desperate or will go for a FWB or whatever...

i absolutely do not think this has to be the case at all. i think what happens in the real life meeting is so important that it wipes away who initiated or whatever prior to meeting. i have had it happen more than once, that i initiated and then after a 2 hour meeting he is pursuing and i am uninterested.

really, do what is comfortable for you. a man you initiate with could be just waiting for you to do that... i have run into men who are burned out on initiating and just waiting for a woman who turns the tables and decides he's worth the effort.
 
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BoomVang is offline BoomVang Post #4  October 26,2010, 5:43pm
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Marissa, I can only speak for myself (age 44), but I don't mind at all if a woman initiates the conversation. In fact, I am currently at the beginning of stage 4 with a match that initiated first. Now, I don't find very many women actually do initiate
 
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margaret18 is offline margaret18 Post #5  October 26,2010, 5:55pm
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BoomVang wrote :
Marissa, I can only speak for myself (age 44), but I don't mind at all if a woman initiates the conversation. In fact, I am currently at the beginning of stage 4 with a match that initiated first. Now, I don't find very many women actually do initiate

superb. more should.
 
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charmed59 is offline charmed59 Post #6  October 26,2010, 5:58pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I would wager this is less age, and more location.
I'm guessing this is true. From what I found out from my dates, the eHarmony men would get many more matches than the women in my area and age range. Some got so inundated with women they gave up on initiating, but were happy I did. My boyfriend, for instance is very happy I sent out those first questions.
 
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LateBloomer2 is offline LateBloomer2 Post #7  October 26,2010, 6:06pm
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I'm 49 and started out thinking that initiating on eH was like calling him first (which our mothers taught us never to do, right?).

So, I sat and waited...and nothing happened.

But then, I read somewhere that initiating communication on-line is the same as smiling at a stranger in the grocery store. And, of course, I've never been shy about that

So now, like margaret, I initiate whenever I get a match that I'm interested in talking to. I always wait until they've viewed me, just so that I know that they're "real".

Almost every one has responded, so I've been lucky to meet and get to know some really interesting men.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  October 26,2010, 6:20pm
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marissa105 let me put a different spin on your question, oh, I vaguely recall that at one time I must have been 40.

Right at the moment I have sent First Questions to 45 matches (women) (I wait a very long time before closing them for not responding). I also have 92 matches in my New folder. Guess what happens if one of those matches in my New folder was to send me First Questions. She will go to the top of the list. She has shown that she IS interested. The matches that waited on me to initiate may show some level of interest by responding but they are also showing that their level of interest is not as great because they were not interested enough to initiate.

Now as for your "gentleman" who said he never responds when a woman initiates, my take on that attitude is that the guy is controlling, egotistical, threatened by a strong woman and a whole lot of other red flag negatives.

But you (and the rest of the women) can do what you want but the ones that initiate with me are going to be getting my attention.

Besides you have paid for a service and have every right to exercise all of it just the same as a guy does. One of those features is initiating communication.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  October 26,2010, 6:25pm
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charmed59 wrote :
I'm guessing this is true. From what I found out from my dates, the eHarmony men would get many more matches than the women in my area and age range. Some got so inundated with women they gave up on initiating, but were happy I did. My boyfriend, for instance is very happy I sent out those first questions.
Using your situation as an example. What would have happened if you had not initiated? Mr. Right may have never come into your life.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #10  October 26,2010, 6:29pm
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marissa105 wrote :
So, now that I am back to EH, I wonder if its related to age and perhaps mid-century men are more old school and DON'T like it when women initiate. I would think they would be flattered, but as I said, I have had no luck at all. so I sit...Waiting for Mr. Right to find me. Thoughts?
Well, if that means you are waiting for them to contact you then, I don't agree.
Number one: you are also paying for the service, so you should have some control over it..granted, you are not experiencing the success you want( most aren't) but you still need to do your part...but don't send winks or that nonsense, send questions or a request for email, IMO.

I like it when a women initiates...anything.
I don't know a guy who wouldn't, frankly.
 
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