Mythical is offline Mythical Post #1  October 19,2010, 5:32pm
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It recently came to my attention that I was amiss for not revealing that i have custody of my six kids in my eHarmony profile.

I've always made it obvious that I have custody of my kids, but not that I had six. For those of you who have don't have six kids... SIX seems like a huge number. It is, but it isn't. They are a lot of work and they do spend a lot of my money, but they are worth it. Once you are doing the laundry for three or four, it's not a big deal to do it for six.

I was wisely advised to make my profile about me... and not focus much on the kids. And that's when I took the number out. Of course, all the info about my kids comes out once we get to OC, and as far as I know, no one has ever turned away at that point.

But I guess I may as well put it out front, weed away those who simply don't want anything to do with that many kids.

So, I changed my profile. My Three Thankful things now say...
wrote :
1. My six wonderful kids who keep me young (hope you love big families)
2. Extended family and friends... though some are far away, they are always there for me.
3. All the opportunities I've had over the years to earn an income while having a blast!
But while we are on this topic, where's the fine line on what should be disclosed up front? There's another thread about someone who cross dresses--some people think he should disclose, some people think he shouldn't? Where do we draw the line?

Should people also disclose.... (i've never seen these, but for sure they are out there)
* if they've had a vasectomy
* if they have a large debt they are trying to pay off
* if they have a criminal record
* if they have a disability of any kind
* if they've ever taken meds for mental conditions
* if they have any chronic phobias

etc. etc.

You get the idea. How much should be disclosed? Where do we draw the line? Thoughts?
Last edited by Mythical; October 19,2010 at 5:34pm.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  October 19,2010, 6:33pm
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Just about everything you list at the bottom is TMI.

I think vasectomy and hysterectomy is super private, and only should be disclosed if having more children is desired by the other person.

I get turned off immediately if someone mentions a criminal past they are trying to get past. I think this would turn off others as well.

Large debts, same thing, no ones business but your own until things progress a bit. Most states have laws where debt brought into a marriage stays with the person who brought it, so less of an issue unless associated with criminal activities (embezzlement, tax fraud, etc).

Disabilities are a very personal matter. And, some are more obvious than others. It it interferes with basic daily activities, it might need to be brought up sooner than later. But, each person handles and defines these differently, so should be dealt with individually.

Meds? So, if your match had anxiety attacks 10 years ago and took meds for 2 weeks it should be disclosed in their profile? No ones business. Even ongoing medication for any illness is not up for discussion.

Phobias are interesting things. An irrational one (going to die in a plane crash so I can't go near an airport, ever) vs. a developed or more reasonable one (bitten by a dog as a child so still leery of them) can be night and day. I don't like spiders, for example. I will get rid of them almost any way I can. It's not a phobia that needs to be told to anyone unless, perhaps they collect live spiders as a hobby. The person who is scared of dogs might include that they don't like those as pets.

Really, anything that I wouldn't discuss on a first date is not going in my profile. I don't want to know all about someone to the extent that I know more about them than my coworker. (from reading their profile anyway)
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #3  October 19,2010, 7:23pm
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Mythical wrote :
...I guess I may as well put it out front, weed away those who simply don't want anything to do with that many kids...

But while we are on this topic, where's the fine line on what should be disclosed up front? There's another thread about someone who cross dresses--some people think he should disclose, some people think he shouldn't? Where do we draw the line?

Should people also disclose.... (i've never seen these, but for sure they are out there)
* if they've had a vasectomy
* if they have a large debt they are trying to pay off
* if they have a criminal record
* if they have a disability of any kind
* if they've ever taken meds for mental conditions
* if they have any chronic phobias

etc. etc.

You get the idea. How much should be disclosed? Where do we draw the line? Thoughts?
Well, first off, there are two lines to be drawn, in my opinion, not just one. The first line is "Things that Need to be Revealed ASAP," things that are signs of major incompatibility, but things which are equally signs of compatibility for different people. The "harmless but highly important" category. Like, "Do you want kids, for sure, or do you really not want them?" There are people out there for both. Or, "Are you religious / looking for someone religious, or are you not?"

Then, there are "Private Potential Deal-breakers." Things which would make it hard for a particular person to snag a date, but which he or she is under no obligation to disclose immediately. Everyone has something like this (whether it is a "reasonable red/yellow flag" which anyone would see, or just a warning flag to a few). I think everything you mentioned in your list falls into the "private" category.

How do you know where to draw the line? I think Andie makes a good point about anything you would be comfortable telling your coworkers (and hearing repeated around the office! ) is harmless. Anything else is private, and shouldn't be shared until someone has gotten to know you. Two thoughts on why: First, the person looking at your profile may be a potential date, but he is still a stranger. Second, the Internet is a public forum. What you put on your profile could somehow end up being repeated around the office, if you had the misfortune to be matched with a coworker (or, on another site, just to run across them).

And a third thought, if I may: Dating, in its early stages, really isn't about full disclosure. No one is going to get to know the "real you" well enough on a first date to make an informed decision, taking in the whole picture. So, the point of the first date or two is to hook them well enough that you have a second shot at it! The point is to show off as much as you can of your good side, so that by the time they see the "less good" bits, they know the rest of you well enough to make an informed judgement. Rather than jumping to conclusions, or dismissing you for that single flaw, they can now make a decision based on all the facts.

I think many people are lovable who would not be so if they only presented their "bad side," or presented it before you got to know the "real them."
 
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VB_Girl is offline VB_Girl Post #4  October 19,2010, 8:21pm
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Mythical, while 6 is a large number, perhaps putting an age range of your kids will help minimize the scary factor.

I agree with Andie and wouldn't put anything in my profile that I wouldn't discuss on a first date.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #5  October 19,2010, 8:28pm
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VB_Girl wrote :
Mythical, while 6 is a large number, perhaps putting an age range of your kids will help minimize the scary factor.
Yes--actually, I thought this, too (and forgot to post it!)

In fact, I'd even list the ages in the "Additional Info" section or somewhere, rather than just giving a range (especially if you have one or two in the very low range). Older kids are much more manageable than, say, 1- through 5-year-olds. (If the parent's raised them right, of course! )
 
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charmed59 is offline charmed59 Post #6  October 19,2010, 8:56pm
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One that tends to come up a lot on eHarmony (though is in the profile on other sites...) is marital status. If you are divorced or widowed for example. I have a widowed friend that did not disclose that in her eHarmony profile, and was unceremoniously dropped as soon as it came up in conversation several times. I did mention I was widowed in mine, and have never had the surprised guy problem. Perhaps in my age range, if you have kids divorce is the default, so you don't put it in there?

I also agree that the age of kids is very helpful in sorting by those in the same life stage.
 
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pammersw is offline pammersw Post #7  October 19,2010, 8:57pm
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Yeah, "My six wonderful kids (ages 2-12)" is a LOT scarier than "My six wonderful kids (ages 15-25)"!
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #8  October 19,2010, 9:48pm
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My kids are aged 4-14. I don't think i'll give the age range. It almost seems like more private than I want to get in my profile. Plus, we're supposed to leave something to ask about open for discussion.


Admittedly, I almost feel defeated, though. I'm not sure how much it narrows my prosptect. So many adults in their 40s are about to become empty nesters and the last thing they want is any kid around, much less a toddler.

Honestly, I'm not trying to snag someone and do a bait and switch on them. I'd just like a partner who will come along side and go through life with me. So, yeah, it does need to be disclosed, and yeah, they have to love my kids, too.

But if I can't find that, I'm happy, me and my six will do just fine. However, all i need a someone with three kids, and we'll have a baseball team!
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #9  October 19,2010, 9:53pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
Large debts, same thing, no ones business but your own until things progress a bit. Most states have laws where debt brought into a marriage stays with the person who brought it, so less of an issue unless associated with criminal activities (embezzlement, tax fraud, etc).
I have never heard of this. Where I live, after you've been married one year, your spouse's assets can be claimed for paying debts that were incurred before marriage. And your spouse's income can be included in calculating how much child support is owed. And a bankruptcy by a spouse before marriage would adversely impact the couple's ability to qualify for a mortgage. I would definitely recommend consulting with an attorney before marrying someone with a very large debt.

As for whether a guy has had a vasectomy, I sure wish that was a check off item on profiles! It would be a huge plus to me and I would gladly check off whether I'd had my tubes tied.

I dated a guy for a year and a half who had a huge phobia of all pets and small animals. He did not disclose this to me until we'd been dating for 4 months. I have 2 cats. To his credit he cared enough about me to try to get over it in my house. Ultimately, he could not (he won't step foot in his best friend's house since he got a small dog, and is also deathly afraid of squirrels, bunnies, etc. running through the yard). My profile says up front I have two cats. I wish he had been truthful from the beginning about his phobia. Would have saved me a lot of heartache. He let me know casually at the beginning he'd never had cats and wasn't overly fond of them, but did not let on at all that he was deathly afraid of them, to the point of a potential panic attack. There was nothing traumatic from his past that triggered this phobia (admitted by him and confirmed by his mom), it was irrational but very real to him. I don't think the source of the phobia matters at all if it is something that would interfere with your normal relations with others.

I agree, at my age I wouldn't care so much if a guy had six kids as long as they were all older, but I'd much rather date a guy with a 2 year old grandkid than a 2 year old kid!
 
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charmed59 is offline charmed59 Post #10  October 20,2010, 7:30am
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To the right gal, 4-14 is going to be the perfect age range. Maybe her 4 and 6 year olds would love older siblings, maybe she couldn't have children but always wanted a big family and with young enough children she can make a difference in their lives, maybe someone with three is looking for a baseball team. I bet she's out there.
 
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