Returning to Eharmony and have some quesitons...


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memeinthelou is offline memeinthelou Post #1  October 17,2010, 4:35pm
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I really want to meet my perfect match, but am having trouble doing so.....I'm a 33 year old female.

I feel that the ones I am "really" interested in...the ones where we have the same hobbies/interests/wants/and I find them attractive at least by what is included in the profile.....when I send communication they either don't answer or close me.

Then I'm left with a bunch of other matches in which I don't find attractive or via the profile, we have almost nothing in common hobby/interest wise and they don't want children or they maybe want children....

What is the best way to do eharmony.....?

-Only send communication to the matches in which you feel are attractive and have some of the same hobbies/interests/wants...etc?
-Send communication to almost all your matches...even if you feel if you are not attracted to them or don't have anything in common....etc..

By no means do I think I'm the most attractive person, but I do think I need to be attracted to the man I'm dating...and I would LOVE to share some of the same interests....

I also really want to have a family someday...so should I even bother corresponding with men who don't....or are not sure...?
I guess I worry that I'm already 33....should I wait for someone to decide that...?

Anyways...any advice would be good...about eharmony or dating/meetinig people in general.
I've been single for so long....I'm wondering if there is someone out there for me!
 
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boschimsp is online now boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  October 17,2010, 6:05pm
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How long have you been using eHarmony? If you are BRAND new to the site you may want to be patient and give yourself time. I would say out of all the matches I receive only a small percentage truly match what I'm looking for. It does seem like terrible odds at time, but I always remind myself that at the end of the day it's just about one person. So just like there might only be a few people that catch my eye at a party or a bar or in another capacity, the same is true online. That said, I have definitely learned to keep an open mind. This doesn't mean I waste time talking to people with whom I am fairly certain I won't connect with, but I've been more open minded about other aspects. For example, it might not hurt to expand your search to some of the maybes. As you go through guided communication you can always field questions to get to the bottom of what their attitude on children really is.

If some time goes by and you feel like you're still struggling, I think only you can decide what you might want to compromise on. It might be helpful to take some time, reflect on your past relationships and use that to guide what tradeoffs you might be willing to make. This isn't to say you should compromise everything (and I definitely not compromise on the things that are truly important to you) but you may find that some things are not nearly as important or crucial to maintaining a good relationship as you think. I would say throughout this process I've learned that there are certain things that are not as important to a relationship as I might have thought (For example, I've found that sharing values with people and having similar ideas about what we want out of life has actually been more important than sharing interests, it's nice to have some common stuff, but I can still do those activities with friends or on my own. Just my perspective, but you may find your own conclusions.). Basically my approach has been to be picky on the things that really matter to me and be more open minded on the things I realize don't matter as much.
 
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123noname789 is offline 123noname789 Post #3  October 18,2010, 11:44am
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Mem…whether or not you realize it, you have raise a VERY important issue, which I speaks to the heart of many frustrations and issues people have with eHarmoney, other dating cites and even dating period.

I too, will join the camp that hobbies and activities, while being nice to share, and having commonality, they are not particularly good indicators to real long lasting relationships. They are good indicators for a good joyful dating life, but for the long pull with life issues, they are just the scenery. This is why I think, eHarmony doesn’t measure these features very heavily, and hence why so many people are ‘disappointed with their matches.’

Problem is, many people are led to people with these connections, ignoring the far more important life issues. Similar values, beliefs, some of the humdrum stuff which kept couples together in their family years ago. While I’d never say enter a relationship which appears to offer no joy or happiness, I believe far too many people are looking for unrealistic pleasure goals in a relationship.

One of the features I’m noticing in my matches is a heavy push on travel. I personally don’t enjoy it, it isn’t comfortable for me or pleasurable, however, I’d do far more in a relationship, no doubt but I generally wait until I get the chance to really talk to them. But, I’m a bit skittish with matches which harp on travel, if they ’can’t live without their passport,’ I’m teetering on a close. I think women see travel as a fantasy, but it may not be gender specific.

As boschimp said, you have to go over what you real conditions are, what do you REALLY want. What’s the most important stuff, realizing that all your conditions will not be reached. For example, you said you would like a family with children. I’d place that far higher than what hobbies you have in common. I could see the point of view of a woman in her early 30’s who wants that, and that as a deal breaker with matches who have no interest in such.

Have a heart to heart with yourself, talk to other married women close to your age, and some who’ve been married at least five years, to get a feel of longer lasting serious relationships.

Good luck.
Last edited by 123noname789; October 18,2010 at 11:52am.
 
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Altair is offline Altair Post #4  October 19,2010, 2:39am
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By now you may have noticed that all your matches are not paying members and cannot see your pics or reply to you except on free weekends. By all means, reply to the ones that interest you and that you may have something in common with. Don't get riled if they don't respond as they may not be a paying member and are unable to. Don't compromise your values or standards.
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #5  October 19,2010, 3:03am
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If I were you, I'd be more picky about the 'wants kids' answer than anything, if that's important to you.

Hobbies listed in a profile mean nothing really. You really have to meet the person. I run every other day, but it's not mentioned in my profile. I have full custody of six kids... again, not in my profile. Point is, don't judge their interests totally from their profile. Cast a wider net in that case.

Same goes for pictures. So many pictures show people in a horrible light and they are simply unattractive. In reality, they are nice looking people. So be lenient on pictures also. Plus some of the ones you really like, won't look that good, or the pics are five years old, etc.

So, my advice is, cast a wider net, but focus on the wanting kids option.
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #6  October 19,2010, 3:03am
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If I were you, I'd be more picky about the 'wants kids' answer than anything, if that's important to you.

Hobbies listed in a profile mean nothing really. You really have to meet the person. I run every other day, but it's not mentioned in my profile. I have full custody of six kids... again, not in my profile. Point is, don't judge their interests totally from their profile. Cast a wider net in that case.

Same goes for pictures. So many pictures show people in a horrible light and they are simply unattractive. In reality, they are nice looking people. So be lenient on pictures also. Plus some of the ones you really like, won't look that good, or the pics are five years old, etc.

So, my advice is, cast a wider net, but focus on the wanting kids option.
 
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ScottK is offline ScottK Post #7  October 19,2010, 6:55am
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Mythical wrote :
I have full custody of six kids... again, not in my profile.
Wait... Wait... WAIT...

You say you have full custody of *6* (!!!) kids, and you don't mention this in your Profile?

You don't think the fact that you have the same number of kids living in your house, as the Brady Brunch had, and it isn't something that should be mentioned right up front?

Wow, just wow.

I am all for trying to put your best foot forward on your Profile, but honestly, I would be VERY mad if one of my Matches had 6 (!!!) kids at home, and didn't mention that in her Profile.

Yet another reason eHarmony needs to change the "Has Kids" from a Yes/No thing, to being a "Number of Kids" as a number value
Last edited by ScottK; October 19,2010 at 7:32am.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  October 19,2010, 7:09am
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Mythical wrote :
If I were you, I'd be more picky about the 'wants kids' answer than anything, if that's important to you.

Hobbies listed in a profile mean nothing really. You really have to meet the person. I run every other day, but it's not mentioned in my profile. I have full custody of six kids... again, not in my profile. Point is, don't judge their interests totally from their profile. Cast a wider net in that case.

Same goes for pictures. So many pictures show people in a horrible light and they are simply unattractive. In reality, they are nice looking people. So be lenient on pictures also. Plus some of the ones you really like, won't look that good, or the pics are five years old, etc.

So, my advice is, cast a wider net, but focus on the wanting kids option.
Wow....just wow....that kind of non-disclosure would leave me furious. There is absolutely nothing worse than a match hiding this kind of serious deal breaking information and wasting time trying to meet you and get to know you. What do you hope to accomplish by hiding this kind of information? I really honestly want to know your reasoning.
 
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CestMoi is offline CestMoi Post #9  October 19,2010, 7:27am
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DancingFool wrote :
Wow....just wow....that kind of non-disclosure would leave me furious. There is absolutely nothing worse than a match hiding this kind of serious deal breaking information and wasting time trying to meet you and get to know you. What do you hope to accomplish by hiding this kind of information? I really honestly want to know your reasoning.
+1
 
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ScottK is offline ScottK Post #10  October 19,2010, 7:31am
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DancingFool wrote :
Wow....just wow....that kind of non-disclosure would leave me furious. There is absolutely nothing worse than a match hiding this kind of serious deal breaking information and wasting time trying to meet you and get to know you. What do you hope to accomplish by hiding this kind of information? I really honestly want to know your reasoning.

ScottK wrote :
Wait... Wait... WAIT...

You say you have full custody of *6* (!!!) kids, and you don't mention this in your Profile?

...

Wow, just wow.
Haha! Your response and mine were the same! Jinx!!!
Last edited by ScottK; October 19,2010 at 7:38am.
 
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