eHa vs. In-person meeting/dating: Are we more picky here?


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YellowUmbrella is offline YellowUmbrella Post #1  October 6,2010, 2:09pm
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I'm wondering if we're more picky on eHa than we would be in real life situations meeting people. I can see why this would be. I find sometimes if I get a wave of new matches, I become a lot more picky in sorting through them. I'm not closing many matches at this point, but I am archiving them so I can focus on my main interests. Trying to keep an open mind though.

So tell me, do you think there are a lot of profiles we see that we archive or close where as if we met these people in person we'd give them a better chance? I often relate dating to job hunting (as much as some people hate this) I think meeting in person is like being able to present ourselves to an employer as a full package, where as our profile is like one of many resumes dying to stand out from all the rest.

I have a friend who I've been talking to about eHarmony. He was showing some curiosity towards it. Unfortunately, I think he'd get butchered on here. He's very funny, witty, interesting, and reliable as all hell but he has a few things going for him that might be instant death: 1. He's probably about 5'4". I wish this didn't matter to women but from everything I've seen it does. 2. He's average looking and it even took me a while to warm up to his looks. It was his personality that really caught me and now I find him quite pleasant to look at now that I see his personality and appearance all together. At first though, I thought he was ... not memorable. 3. He doesn't come across well in writing. His spelling and grammar are rather poor and while he's as clever as anything, I don't think he'd be able to sell himself well on a profile.

As it stands now I wouldn't recommend eHa to him. Really unfortunate but I guess since our profile is our only chance to get noticed, there are too many things to trip him up.

What are your thoughts on the whole eHa vs. In-person situation?
 
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Harryoss is offline Harryoss Post #2  October 6,2010, 2:44pm
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I don't see eHarmony (or any other dating site for that matter) to be treated any differently than everything else we treat in life. That is to say, the more the choice we have, the more picky we get.

If you got approached by 10 guys at the same time in real life, would you try and divide your attention across all 10 in an attempt to explore every opportunity, or would you be picky in order to spend some time with the most promising one? Same as here I'd guess.

The only problem is, I don't think people realize that sometimes a profile may not do a personality justice. And this is beside the fact that eHarmony bombards you with huge amounts of dead accounts. If people knew that, they'd probably be less picky overall.

So in the example above, imagine if in real life, you were in some freakish universe where 10 guys approached you, but you knew that 9 out of those 10 were zombies in disguise. Being picky would probably not work out well for you would it? As opposed to giving each and every single one of them a chance.

Personally, I send communication towards any woman I even find slightly attractive, and whose profile isn't completely abysmal. But that's now. When I started off though, I didn't know any better... and I WAS picky.

To be quite honest, some of the threads on these boards give you a truly good insight into what to expect from eHarmony... And sometimes I wish new members were required to read some of the topics on here, so they can get a reality check.

But ya, bottom line being that I do believe people are very picky online, than they would be in real life... Mainly because you probably get 100 times more potential matches online than you would in real life.
Last edited by Harryoss; October 6,2010 at 2:50pm.
 
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YellowUmbrella is offline YellowUmbrella Post #3  October 6,2010, 2:58pm
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You know all those online quizzes and articles about how to survive a zombie apocalypse suddenly seem like worthwhile reads...

I see what you're saying. Good points, I didn't really think about it that way. We do get a lot more matches here (including dead accounts). I'm glad I came on to the advice boards early to get an idea of the nature of eHa. Some real great people on these boards.
Last edited by YellowUmbrella; October 6,2010 at 2:58pm. Reason: Quote didn't appear right
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #4  October 6,2010, 3:21pm

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YellowUmbrella wrote :
You know all those online quizzes and articles about how to survive a zombie apocalypse suddenly seem like worthwhile reads...

I see what you're saying. Good points, I didn't really think about it that way. We do get a lot more matches here (including dead accounts). I'm glad I came on to the advice boards early to get an idea of the nature of eHa. Some real great people on these boards.
they are.
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #5  October 6,2010, 3:31pm
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Consider the possibility that pickiness is what brings people to eHarmony in the first place. I'm picky about who I would date in terms of looks and career path. Why should I give someone a chance that doesn't deserve one? At least online, you don't have to shoot someone down to their face.

YellowUmbrella wrote :
I have a friend who I've been talking to about eHarmony. He was showing some curiosity towards it. Unfortunately, I think he'd get butchered on here. He's very funny, witty, interesting, and reliable as all hell but he has a few things going for him that might be instant death: 1. He's probably about 5'4". I wish this didn't matter to women but from everything I've seen it does. 2. He's average looking and it even took me a while to warm up to his looks. It was his personality that really caught me and now I find him quite pleasant to look at now that I see his personality and appearance all together. At first though, I thought he was ... not memorable. 3. He doesn't come across well in writing. His spelling and grammar are rather poor and while he's as clever as anything, I don't think he'd be able to sell himself well on a profile.
Goodness, way to sell your friend. You certainly don't speak very highly of him. What makes you think someone else will date him based on this sales pitch? You are slaughtering him just as much as anyone else would. Maybe you should be the one to give him a chance...
 
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YellowUmbrella is offline YellowUmbrella Post #6  October 6,2010, 4:55pm
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Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
Goodness, way to sell your friend. You certainly don't speak very highly of him. What makes you think someone else will date him based on this sales pitch? You are slaughtering him just as much as anyone else would. Maybe you should be the one to give him a chance...
I really came off giving the wrong impression then. This is a person I would mass-clone if I could.

I've just seen post after post concerning height preferences and the hate for poor spelling and grammar, so that's where my concern stemmed from.
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #7  October 6,2010, 5:05pm
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YellowUmbrella wrote :
I really came off giving the wrong impression then. This is a person I would mass-clone if I could.

I've just seen post after post concerning height preferences and the hate for poor spelling and grammar, so that's where my concern stemmed from.
Then why aren't you dating him if he's just that great?
 
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SoilderLover is offline SoilderLover Post #8  October 7,2010, 10:04am
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I think that most of the posters here are making a good point. I am still new but I think if we were given more options at least we think that we are we are being more picky. I am even going for people, that I normally wouldn't go for in real like because I think that have a better chance.

The truth is I don't. I have gotten more people closing me out then I thought that I would. Probably because I am like your friend I am not the prettiest girl in the world nor am I the ugliest but maybe all those guys are pickier maybe they see pictures of beautiful women maybe they sell themselves better in their profile files.

Thinking that this dating site is like being a manager in the job field trying to find the best ones to interview based off their applications or resumes i. e our profiles. So would they seem more picky I suppose so. I try to not let this online dating site get to me. If I find a man to date on here great if not oh well.

At least I can look at it this way I have learned to take rejection and I have learned how to interact better in person to hopefully find better matches in the future.

Life is too short to let people on a dating site upset you.
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #9  October 7,2010, 1:38pm
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Online dating definitely presents its own set of challenges, however, make no mistake about it. The mentality of online dating is only an extension of society's current mentality.

There is an over-representation of the "entitlements" in the American culture today. You see it in many facets of society's fabric. We have come to the point where we truly believe that we deserve things we haven't earned. Remember, our banking system convinced millions of people that they deserve to own their own home, even if they didn't earn enough money. This is just one example of the current thinking that's out there.

Well, this type of thinking also spills over into the dating community. Men and women go on dating sites like Match.com and POF trying to date anything that moves. Then they come to Eharmony and go through 2,000 matches, but can't meet anyone. Why? Because they seek out matches that have a lot more to offer than they do. They are trying to get something for nothing. They don't bring to the table equivalent qualities for which they seek. And, let's face it, no one is going to give it away. Most men wouldn't trade their wealth for a better partner, and most women wouldn't trade their youth and beauty unless they would get something in return that they find valuable.

There's a lot of delusion to be sure. In real life there are "checks and balances" that do not occur online. People have a chance to see the whole package, including demeanor and personality. And there's also that intangible element that strikes some like stardust that suddenly blinds you.

It's very unfortunate, but I think that online dating tends to bring the worst out in people. There's no immediate and serious feedback for bad behavior. In real life you wouldn't get away with half the stuff that people pull on here.

People come to online dating sites and quickly develop an "ideal" of who they want to meet. That's if they haven't already done that beforehand. It is my belief that the ideal they decide on is usually and most often way to lofty and unrealistic. Many refuse to waiver. In fact, it seems that the longer they chase this ideal, and the further they get from success, the more determined they get. Rather than changing their behavior to align it more with reality, they get angry and give up: close their accounts, and storm off.

They haven't given it an honest try. The moral of this story is, "If you try to get something for nothing, you will most often end up empty-handed."
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #10  October 7,2010, 2:14pm
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Great post from NYC!! That should be an eH advice article. People need to hear it.


Just to weigh in on OP:
I think I'm pickier in person than I am online. I've met guys from eH that I wouldn't have given my number to in person...new open minded me has been scared back into being just a bit pickier online.

I don't filter strongly for looks - my min. height is around 5'5" (I'm 5'9") and fitness should be in line with me (not looking for a marathon runner, but someone who exercises/eats healthy enough to not worry about heart disease/diabetes and be able to look good in a pair of Levi's ). I've been so strongly attracted to the "stardust" NYC mentions after getting to know someone in the past, and I know I won't get it from photos/profiles so I don't try.

I do filter for literacy, an inkling of humor/wit, and social awareness. I don't think that's too much to ask, but a surprising number of profiles are void of it.

Which is why I'm beginning to be convinced that real life has and will continue to be a better primary source of dates for me. Meeting people online sounded nice and easy, but with those "checks and balances" missing it's neither nice nor easy.
Last edited by lunabeach; October 7,2010 at 3:07pm.
 
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