52 with an 8 year old daughter... do I have a chance?


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fifilaroach is offline fifilaroach Post #1  October 4,2010, 8:54am
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I just joined a few days ago, but I am already seeing a disappointing trend. I am not getting any communication. I'm not sure what the problem is. I'm getting a fair amount of matches, but many seem to be in a totally different stage/type of life than I am. Getting ready to retire, or retired. I'm involved at my daughter's school, etc. Not looking for a 70 year old.

I am definitely stuck in my location, so that may be inhibiting since I only put a 60 mile radius. But its discouraging since several of the matches (maybe 5) seem like they could be a little encouraging, but they're not contacting me. I did contact one person with a comment and he read it but did not respond. Not sure if this is the kind of thing that can work for me. I'm a confident person but this is sort of rocking my confidence.

Any ideas?
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #2  October 4,2010, 9:14am
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fifilaroach wrote :
I just joined a few days ago, but I am already seeing a disappointing trend. I am not getting any communication. I'm not sure what the problem is. I'm getting a fair amount of matches, but many seem to be in a totally different stage/type of life than I am. Getting ready to retire, or retired. I'm involved at my daughter's school, etc. Not looking for a 70 year old.

I am definitely stuck in my location, so that may be inhibiting since I only put a 60 mile radius. But its discouraging since several of the matches (maybe 5) seem like they could be a little encouraging, but they're not contacting me. I did contact one person with a comment and he read it but did not respond. Not sure if this is the kind of thing that can work for me. I'm a confident person but this is sort of rocking my confidence.

Any ideas?

Well, you may need to expand your dating radius from 60 miles to 120 miles or maybe consider engaging in LDR's. Also, you may need to lower your dating range. I am sure it must be tough raising a young daughter. Not sure how men would fair dating someone in her 50s with a young child. I am sure some won't mind, but others may be on some "been there/done that" type of mindset and may prefer to date women who have grown children or no children.

What ideas are you willing to consider to change your situation?

B.Y.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  October 4,2010, 9:24am
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Another factor to consider is possibly posting your profile for review. See under Using Eharmony on how to do that. There may be things in your profile that are off putting to people that you don't even realize. For instance, parents often make the mistake of talking about their children rather than themselves and forget that the new person in their life first must like and want to date the parent and know who you are as a person before they consider the package deal of children.

Also, there are a lot of dead profiles on EH - either expired members or inactive members or members who have not subscribed and so can't respond you are being matched with, so that may be part of the problem.

Finally, don't wait for people to contact you when it comes to the online thing. If you think the man's profile is passable, then contact him. Don't be too quick to judge that he is not at the same point in life, etc. - don't make decisions for your matches. If he responds fine, if not, oh well. The internet is a numbers game and takes patience - it's not a magic bullet that delivers you a relationship without effort.
 
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Getting_There is offline Getting_There Post #4  October 4,2010, 9:34am
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Try to be patient and give it some more time.

For example, it seems like there should be plenty of divorced men near your age with younger children themselves. Many men have waited to start their first families when in their 40's with a younger woman but then got divorced. They may prefer to switch to a woman closer or even a little older to their age (my uncle has done this in fact).

BY's idea to open up your distance range is good too since it would start bringing in matches that are between 61 and 120 miles. You might also consider opening up other criteria in your settings to be more wide open such as background and beliefs (several nice men I've met have "neither religious nor spiritual" selected). Try switching smoking to "smoking occasionally" instead of "no smoking" if you haven't already (that tends to pulls in cigar smokers for example). You'll be surprised how to opening up these filters more will bring you more matches.

Another sugggestion is not focus on your child a lot in your profile. For example mention her in your things you can't live without but don't mention her otherwise. Also if your personality profile is good and you feel comfortable sharing it then make it open for reading for all your matches (might want to mention it's open in your profile). Sometimes this can "sell" you to someone if it's positive and you feel it's accurate.

I've been on eHarmony since Feb and noticed that things picked up more in the warmer months so maybe things slow down a little in the fall and winter?
 
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Goomph is online now Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  October 4,2010, 10:34am
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Do not be discouraged at all ...It is normal for matches not to respond. very few do, it takes a lot of patience to find a match to go trough to OC and than have a first meeting then maybe date. Well, ok those of you who line them up can keep quiet, it is tougher for me

For some your daughter would be a minus, some would not care at all. You might not want to put her age in your profile but just mark kids at home and after you get to know someone let them know you have a young one. My last match I recently met had a child very close to the age of your daughter and I did not mind it at all. It is a personal choice for all, and yes you do HAVE a chance for sure !

Good luck with eH and online matching
Last edited by Goomph; October 4,2010 at 11:06am.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #6  October 4,2010, 11:15am
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In general, you're not going to see much of anything for a few days, maybe more.. and then you'll probably get a lot of matches all at once...you may even get swamped with matches..and then, it stabilizes a bit, and you re going to see matches come in every few days...that's been my experience anyway.
I'm 50 and I have a ten year old son, so I sort of know what you are talking about.

After that(if your profile is fairly decent and there is nothing which would make the average guy close you out immediately)...there's a few other things you can do to affect your amount of matches.
For example: it would also depend upon what age settings you are looking within, I think, and what area you are in in regard to population: older vs younger..retired vs working, urban vs suburban, etc..
You may just have to play around with your settings a bit, and get a feel for the types that show up as your matches.

Welcome to the forum.
Good luck.
 
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123noname789 is offline 123noname789 Post #7  October 4,2010, 1:23pm
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fifilaroach wrote :
I just joined a few days ago, but I am already seeing a disappointing trend. I am not getting any communication. I'm not sure what the problem is. I'm getting a fair amount of matches, but many seem to be in a totally different stage/type of life than I am. Getting ready to retire, or retired. I'm involved at my daughter's school, etc. Not looking for a 70 year old.

I am definitely stuck in my location, so that may be inhibiting since I only put a 60 mile radius. But its discouraging since several of the matches (maybe 5) seem like they could be a little encouraging, but they're not contacting me. I did contact one person with a comment and he read it but did not respond. Not sure if this is the kind of thing that can work for me. I'm a confident person but this is sort of rocking my confidence.

Any ideas?
I know a little bit about the area you live, I actually interviewed for a job in Asheville 18 years ago. I also lived in the Triad and Triangle, to the East for a good six years too. Your sixty mile settings, however, are just not enough. There just isn’t much immediately around you. But, if you stepped it up to 120, you get in Charlotte, Knoxville, and the Triad. Maybe even the far northern suburbs of Atlanta. That one setting change, might make a BIG difference overnight.

So, you say you don’t want to travel that far for a match, I hear ya. I’m not excited about the distances of some of my most promising matches either, but I’m realistic. More than half my matches now come from outside 60 miles away, because that’s where most of the types of people I’m interested in, live. There are ways to make that distance work to, takes a little planning and thinking out of the box, but it can work. I had a relationship with someone who was an hour drive away.

You may also want to have a heart to heart with yourself in what you’re really looking for too. Nothing wrong with having stiff standards, but be prepared to not meeting those goals very quickly, lots of restrictions mean a lot more time.

Age has been talked a lot here and in my observation, most of the men I know in their 50’s are interested in women in the 40’s and sometimes 30’s. Some even go younger, but generally, those are not serious considerations for a LTR. In your first post you talked about ‘not looking for a 70 year old man.’ Nothing wrong with that, if you consider that a standard, but I’m guessing you’re being matched up with such, and I know 70 year old men dating women in their 50’s. Just understand your dating pool shrinks by eliminating them. So, how high would you go ? 62 ? Not that you have to commit for life to someone just based on settings on eHarmony, but you’ll find more action on the higher end than closer to your age or younger.

The pictures, got full body shots up ? Yes, men in their 50’s look for that. I’ve closed close to half my matches in recent days, because all they had were tight face shots. If we can’t see it, we think there’s a reason you’re not showing and assume the worst.

It’s only been a few days. It sounds like you’re being a little unrealistic or idealistic, as many are when they join dating sites. You have this vision of the ‘perfect match,‘ which is usually never what they send. Nothing wrong with having all these restrictions and you may find what you’re looking for in six months. But being a little more realistic with yourself, I think, will yield you quicker and better results.

Good luck.
 
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charmed59 is offline charmed59 Post #8  October 4,2010, 1:59pm
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Goomph wrote :
You might not want to put her age in your profile but just mark kids at home and after you get to know someone let them know you have a young one. My last match I recently met had a child very close to the age of your daughter and I did not mind it at all. It is a personal choice for all, and yes you do HAVE a chance for sure !
I met a guy that did this, 59 years old with twin 11 year olds and a 9 year old. Had that been in his profile, or mentioned in emails, I wouldn't have driven across town to meet him. After the age of his kids came up, it was a pretty short meeting.

If you are traveling a distance for dates, and you suspect a young child will be a deal breaker, you might want to be sure they know, unless you just like meeting people. Though you may run across the occasional gentleman that will change his mind on that issue once he meets you.

People suggest expanding your area. Remember that if you have to drive an hour, that adds an hour to your babysitting bill. You might hold out on expanding your area until you know there is no one in your area, as a LDR with elementary school children is indeed a challenge.
 
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Goomph is online now Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  October 4,2010, 2:23pm
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We are all so different and handle things so differently. If I see that someone says kids at home, I would definitely ask for their age before a meeting. But then again, I also learned to ask how long a match has been divorced because not everyone is what they portray themselves to be on their profile.

My intent was not to hide the fact that the OP has a young child. It was aimed at if someone is interested in her profile, they would at least go through GC or direct to OC, and hopefully have a first meeting and so on. If the age of her daughter came up in a conversation, some might be tempted to accept it because they are getting along very well with the OP.

I am assuming that those of us who do not want a match with a young child or none at all, has the burden to ask/inquire and make their call accordingly.

I hope this explains what I meant better.
 
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charmed59 is offline charmed59 Post #10  October 4,2010, 3:22pm
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Goomph wrote :
We are all so different and handle things so differently. If I see that someone says kids at home, I would definitely ask for their age before a meeting. But then again, I also learned to ask how long a match has been divorced because not everyone is what they portray themselves to be on their profile.

My intent was not to hide the fact that the OP has a young child. It was aimed at if someone is interested in her profile, they would at least go through GC or direct to OC, and hopefully have a first meeting and so on. If the age of her daughter came up in a conversation, some might be tempted to accept it because they are getting along very well with the OP.

I am assuming that those of us who do not want a match with a young child or none at all, has the burden to ask/inquire and make their call accordingly.

I hope this explains what I meant better.
However, it is rare to run across a 52 year old with an 8 year old. I admit, I didn't ask the ages of the 59 year old's children before we met because it never occurred to me that a 50 year old would still be having babies. Men who are okay with high school kids or older wouldn't think twice about a 52 year old with kids at home, as they would assume they were in high school, or at least close to high school age.

As others have posted, it might be easier to go for guys in the same life stage as yourself; others with elementary school aged kids. In that case, you might need to go younger.
 
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