How soon before closing a match?


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
YellowUmbrella is offline YellowUmbrella Post #1  October 3,2010, 7:20am
YellowUmbrell…'s Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Oct 2010

Posts: 53

See profile

Hello,

I'm new to the boards and just joined eHa... two days ago! I had 4 initial matches: 2 initiated contact with me, I initiated contact with the others. Since I had my matches before I subscribed, I was reading profiles before seeing pictures. One (that initiated) seemed like a good match but when I saw his picture (and here is where I get to be shallow) I was kind of taken aback. I did not find him attractive at all. Since we were still such a good match on the profile I decided to get more information before closing the match down. However, I did have to think to myself if I was going to be dragging this person along if I liked what he said about himself but just could not even think about the physical side of things with him.

He went through the stages quite rapidly, almost as if he was glued to his computer. Finally something came up where I knew I had to close the match. Still, the experience made me realize that I don't know if I'm too nice and might end up going on "pity dates" in an attempt not to be too quick to judge, or if I really need to shut matches down if I have a strong reaction (even if it is a looks-based reaction).

I just wanted to get your opinions on this!
 
  Reply With Quote
Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #2  October 3,2010, 7:51am
Ingytravel's Avatar

Naps are one of life's great joys:)

Power Poster

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 8,164

See profile

Welcome to EH and the boards...

I have to say that if I were that person...I would be completely insulted that I am a 'pity date'.....no one needs nor deserves this....time is way too precious to be spending it with someone you have no interest in.

We all deserve to have someone who thinks that we are the most handsome/beautiful person in the world to them...inside and out...

There is nothing shallow about not being attracted to every person on the planet...

Don't string anyone along...it's best to close a match the moment you know it's not going to work for you...anything after that is being dishonest and mean to the other person who thinks you truly like them...

Believe me...you will get closed as much as you will close other profiles out...it's no big deal...these are strangers....

Save the actual dates...where you both are spending time, money, and effort, on matches that you truly enjoy and feel attracted to and want to get to know better...

Try to enjoy the process...and use EH as just one extra tool to meet people...don't forget to be out in the real world flirting and chatting with people as well...that way...there isn't so much pressure on yourself and EH for finding the 'one' for you....
Last edited by Ingytravel; October 3,2010 at 9:33am.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #3  October 3,2010, 8:09am
Wiseman2's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 6,322

See profile

You are new and testing the ropes, which is very normal. You are trying to keep an open mind with your mind, yet your gut is telling you something else.
I hope this helps: Yes there are many very nice people on eH, some who would make a great friend, neighbor, co-worker, because they are great people.
However, the premise of eH is a romantic connection and you must feel this at a gut level in this case.

YellowUmbrella wrote :
Hello,

I'm new to the boards and just joined eHa... two days ago!

One (that initiated) seemed like a good match but when I saw his picture (and here is where I get to be shallow) I was kind of taken aback. I did not find him attractive at all.

Still, the experience made me realize that I don't know if I'm too nice

in an attempt not to be too quick to judge, or if I really need to shut matches down if I have a strong reaction

I just wanted to get your opinions on this!
 
  Reply With Quote
TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #4  October 3,2010, 8:51am
TrekRyder10's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2010

In a van down by the river

Posts: 4,802

See profile

YellowUmbrella wrote :
Hello,

I'm new to the boards and just joined eHa... two days ago! I had 4 initial matches: 2 initiated contact with me, I initiated contact with the others. Since I had my matches before I subscribed, I was reading profiles before seeing pictures. One (that initiated) seemed like a good match but when I saw his picture (and here is where I get to be shallow) I was kind of taken aback. I did not find him attractive at all. Since we were still such a good match on the profile I decided to get more information before closing the match down. However, I did have to think to myself if I was going to be dragging this person along if I liked what he said about himself but just could not even think about the physical side of things with him.
You know what catches your eye and what doesn't. So I wouldn't call it being shallow, just selective.

Of course there will be those instant closes. IME people with "okay" acceptable pics usually turn out to be way better looking in perso. Most people have poor photos posted or are not very photogenic, so dont be so qiuck to write-off everyone.


wrote :
He went through the stages quite rapidly, almost as if he was glued to his computer.
The complaint with e-dating is usually the opposite.. anyways keep in mind that most e-dating sites have smart-phone applications now, so people have access on their phone, also since most of the steps on eH are multiple choice or just sending stuff (MH/CS) it takes little or no effort to click reply.. So don't be so concerned with the quickness of ones response.

wrote :
Finally something came up where I knew I had to close the match. Still, the experience made me realize that I don't know if I'm too nice and might end up going on "pity dates" in an attempt not to be too quick to judge, or if I really need to shut matches down if I have a strong reaction (even if it is a looks-based reaction). I just wanted to get your opinions on this!
You can't give everyone a chance, that's the bottom line, know what your red-flags are, and what your willing to accept and you'll do just fine. However there is such a thing as having too high of expectations, when it comes to data points and dealbreakers. sometimes the match you thought was a real good fit on paper was a dud! and the one that you had some concerns about was better than expected.


good luck and welcome to the boards.
Last edited by TrekRyder10; October 3,2010 at 9:14am.
 
  Reply With Quote
newgemgirl is offline newgemgirl Post #5  October 3,2010, 10:29am
newgemgirl's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 19

See profile

This has happened to me as well!

More in the beginning when I was testing out the waters and learning the swing of things. I am guilty of "using" someone I knew I didn't llike just to see what the 3 steps were like.

When someone without a photo communicates with me, I answer and I request a photo. I have yet to be plesantly surprised. I feel bad/shallow so I usually go to the next step 2 and then close out. I am not going to waste my time (or anyone elses for that matter) so I do not allow it to get into step 4, OC. And I would definitely not go on a pity date.
 
  Reply With Quote
CluelessinATX is offline CluelessinATX Post #6  October 3,2010, 1:24pm
CluelessinATX's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2010

Posts: 143

See profile

If his looks are a deal breaker, close the match. Don't waste either person's time. If you go on a pity date with him, you will find it even harder to break it off, because if he likes you, he will ask you out again. Then you will have to deal with that.

Leading a man on is a slippery slope.
 
  Reply With Quote
YellowUmbrella is offline YellowUmbrella Post #7  October 3,2010, 7:28pm
YellowUmbrell…'s Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Oct 2010

Posts: 53

See profile

Agreed. I'll close these matches early from here on out. Thanks for the input!
 
  Reply With Quote
NYCguy is offline NYCguy Post #8  October 10,2010, 5:27am
NYCguy's Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Nov 2009

Posts: 146

See profile

YellowUmbrella wrote :
Hello,

I'm new to the boards and just joined eHa... two days ago! I had 4 initial matches: 2 initiated contact with me, I initiated contact with the others. Since I had my matches before I subscribed, I was reading profiles before seeing pictures. One (that initiated) seemed like a good match but when I saw his picture (and here is where I get to be shallow) I was kind of taken aback. I did not find him attractive at all. Since we were still such a good match on the profile I decided to get more information before closing the match down. However, I did have to think to myself if I was going to be dragging this person along if I liked what he said about himself but just could not even think about the physical side of things with him.

He went through the stages quite rapidly, almost as if he was glued to his computer. Finally something came up where I knew I had to close the match. Still, the experience made me realize that I don't know if I'm too nice and might end up going on "pity dates" in an attempt not to be too quick to judge, or if I really need to shut matches down if I have a strong reaction (even if it is a looks-based reaction).

I just wanted to get your opinions on this!
Why go through with communication stages if the "yuck" factor is omnipresent? You should have closed the match immediately. Online dating is much like meetings in real life. Be kind and tactful, but don't let someone think you like him/her just to "test" the waters; especially considering the whining from women about men playing games with you

Secondly, many ppl have smartphones which allow one to send/receive email notifications and access internet sites anywhere and anytime, espcially since there is an eHarmony iPhone app. A person with a smartphone may simply do with eHarmony what is done with a text message or email, RESPOND PROMPTLY! ddduuuhhhhh!
Last edited by NYCguy; October 10,2010 at 5:32am.
 
  Reply With Quote
Elizabeth_Bennett is offline Elizabeth_Bennett Post #9  May 20,2011, 9:00pm
Elizabeth_Ben…'s Avatar

Sadie uses her new toy as a frame for her cuteness!

Quick Study

Joined: Feb 2011

Northern, CA

Posts: 110

See profile

Ingytravel wrote :
Try to enjoy the process...and use EH as just one extra tool to meet people...don't forget to be out in the real world flirting and chatting with people as well...that way...there isn't so much pressure on yourself and EH for finding the 'one' for you....


Good advice, Ingy!

It's not a bad idea to have an open mind about your matches, even ones you might not initially gravitate towards. Yet, the struggle is to find a balance between closing everyone who is not your "physical ideal" and continuing communication out of a desire to be kind.
I've struggled with the same thing.... I don't like anyone to feel rejected.

But, ultimately, it is kinder to close them early than to give them hope/ expectations based upon your continuing communication.
(Been there, done that! Oops! )

Lessons Learned in the School of Experience,
-Lizzie
 
  Reply With Quote
spyfilmvillain is offline spyfilmvillain Post #10  May 21,2011, 8:02am
spyfilmvillai…'s Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: May 2011

Orlando, FL

Posts: 63

See profile

Ingytravel wrote :
Welcome to EH and the boards...

I have to say that if I were that person...I would be completely insulted that I am a 'pity date'.....no one needs nor deserves this....time is way too precious to be spending it with someone you have no interest in.

We all deserve to have someone who thinks that we are the most handsome/beautiful person in the world to them...inside and out...

There is nothing shallow about not being attracted to every person on the planet...

Don't string anyone along...it's best to close a match the moment you know it's not going to work for you...anything after that is being dishonest and mean to the other person who thinks you truly like them...

Believe me...you will get closed as much as you will close other profiles out...it's no big deal...these are strangers....

Save the actual dates...where you both are spending time, money, and effort, on matches that you truly enjoy and feel attracted to and want to get to know better...

Try to enjoy the process...and use EH as just one extra tool to meet people...don't forget to be out in the real world flirting and chatting with people as well...that way...there isn't so much pressure on yourself and EH for finding the 'one' for you....
I couldn't agree more with Ingy on this. The sooner/quicker you archive or close a match, the sooner you let them know they are not a match for you.

As someone else said in this thread, while there may be a bunch of great people out there that you would enjoy meeting as friends, I'm sure almost everyone is looking for a romantic relationship, and attraction is part of romance--and everyone's idea of what is attractive is a little different. Since almost everyone is seeking a romance, if you contact a match or extend communication with one, your communication tells them you're interested in them romantically--they'll never consider you think they might be a cool friend to have because of something interesting in their profile.

When I get new matches, I read every profile and I look at every photo. If I don't feel some attraction for the woman initially, I may respond if she has a really interesting profile and if her pictures indicate she might just not be very photogenic (bad lighting, poorly cropped, horrible contrast, whacked-out leveling, maybe a tad out of focus or a little blurry from movement of the camera, etc.). But if it's clear that I just plain don't find her attractive and especially if her profile is poorly written or very vanilla, I'll archive her before I even move on to look at the next new match.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Profile review please! | Using eHarmony | Answer the questions or close the match!?! »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Closing Match question/advice vsic Using eHarmony 14 November 26,2010 6:07pm
Random match closing? Mrphilosophy Using eHarmony 9 July 25,2010 7:15pm
closing a match bc of the other has no photos posted lalawyergal Using eHarmony 19 January 31,2010 1:46pm
After closing match... Timewarp Using eHarmony 8 October 22,2009 4:26pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Thanks! dmi said it best when he said the variation between races are too wide to exclude any race.” –  sun73

Join the “How much does race play in your dating someone?” discussion

“ If you know, then, that you've already friend-zoned him, I don't see much point in meeting. I misread your op and thought you were just trying to decide how you felt about him. If you know you ... ” –  singinggirl

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“You are very Welcome Simplicity...” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion

“ We also have the same friends. Yesterday there was an outing and I decided to go regardless if he was going to be there or not. Every time he saw me he went somewhere else. One of his friends ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Can I wait and move on at the same time?” discussion

“You will have the option to close a match at any time, but if it is ONLY giving you the option to close, that means the other person has already closed it.” –  eH_Advice_Host_Eve

Join the “Question, archive, close...” discussion

“ Very true, this is a high percentage of the members who use free comm weekends.” –  eH_Advice_Host_Eve

Join the “dreaded free weekend” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 6:48pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0