reenz is offline reenz Post #1  October 2,2010, 4:20pm
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Hi all. I just exchanged first questions with a match, and in my question to him, I asked the one about how important family approval of his date is to him. He selected the option that states something to the extent of: "Very Important - I couldn't date anyone without their approval." Since his parents passed away when he was young, I'm guessing he means the approval of his grandparents or extended family.

For me this is a concern (possible dealbreaker?) as I previously dated a guy some years ago who was completely dependent on his parents' approval. He even had wanted to marry me, but backed off when his parents didn't like me enough. (I was planning to go to medical school at the time, and they wanted him to be with a more domesticated woman who was ready to have his babies, instead of pursuing higher education.) I don't ever want to repeat that situation of falling in love with a guy who can't stand up to his family for me. For me, family approval is important, and I would definitely consider my family's advice if they didn't like a date - but their advice wouldn't be the final say, as I realize they could be wrong about someone.

Would this answer choice be a dealbreaker for the rest of you as well? I'm wondering if I should continue communication with this match.
 
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WhiteCrane is offline WhiteCrane Post #2  October 2,2010, 4:32pm
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Well, for me it would be a red flag for sure. I probably wouldn't end GC for that one thing, though. Maybe he clicked the wrong answer by mistake, you wouldn't know. (Said Pollyanna!)

I'd certainly be looking for more context before giving him the bum's rush into your Closed folder.

If you get to stage 3 with him you could ask a question that would get him to talk more about his family and their role in his life. Then you'd have a bit more to go on.

What the heck, depending on how you feel about his other responses, you might still consider an introductory coffee with him. People are such a blend of traits, and it's so tricky to figure them out from a handful of words and a picture or two!

But then I'm very much on the side of not discarding people too quickly. Worst thing that could happen is a "practice date" and a little more insight into human nature.

Good luck with him!
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #3  October 2,2010, 5:09pm
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It would be a dealbreaker for me. I am not going to date someone who allows third party individuals to dictate the relationship. I want someone who is independent and confident enough to make life decisions on her own. Now, I don't mind a lil family imput or support, but approval? Uhhh..no!

Hope you make the right decision.

B.Y.
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #4  October 2,2010, 5:15pm
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Children need their parents' approval; adults don't; approval implies dependence and an unequal relationship. That said, I would be willing to give it a go, w/o bringing in past baggage; just the wisdom garnered through previous experiences and I would not place too much emphasis on some poorly worded EH question, and actually meet HIM.
 
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ISearch4Love is offline ISearch4Love Post #5  October 2,2010, 6:27pm
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Does he have kids? Maybe he wants his kids to approve of the person he's with.
 
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windsurfing is offline windsurfing Post #6  October 2,2010, 7:00pm
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reenz wrote :
Hi all. I just exchanged first questions with a match, and in my question to him, I asked the one about how important family approval of his date is to him. He selected the option that states something to the extent of: "Very Important - I couldn't date anyone without their approval." Since his parents passed away when he was young, I'm guessing he means the approval of his grandparents or extended family.

For me this is a concern (possible dealbreaker?) as I previously dated a guy some years ago who was completely dependent on his parents' approval. He even had wanted to marry me, but backed off when his parents didn't like me enough. (I was planning to go to medical school at the time, and they wanted him to be with a more domesticated woman who was ready to have his babies, instead of pursuing higher education.) I don't ever want to repeat that situation of falling in love with a guy who can't stand up to his family for me. For me, family approval is important, and I would definitely consider my family's advice if they didn't like a date - but their advice wouldn't be the final say, as I realize they could be wrong about someone.

Would this answer choice be a dealbreaker for the rest of you as well? I'm wondering if I should continue communication with this match.
#1 he could be joking because the Q itself is poorly worded and can sound a bit silly to some ppl.

#2 he means what it says.

I have a friend in a culture in which family approval is extremely important. They meet each other's parents very early. But he is a very independent person. It is just that he does not want a situation where he has to choose between them.
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #7  October 2,2010, 9:02pm
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How do you know that his parents passed away when he was young if you are only on GC first questions?

He could mean "approval," by like, spiritual approval, i.e. whether he personally thinks that you are the type of person they would have approved of ....

I don't think that question's all that informative. There are just so many qualifiers. (How approving/disapproving are the parents? Does "approval" means "like" or just "not hate"? etc.)

I'd just file the response away mentally, and proceed as normal.
 
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windsurfing is offline windsurfing Post #8  October 2,2010, 9:56pm
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FaintestInkling wrote :
How do you know that his parents passed away when he was young if you are only on GC first questions?

He could mean "approval," by like, spiritual approval, i.e. whether he personally thinks that you are the type of person they would have approved of ....

I don't think that question's all that informative. There are just so many qualifiers. (How approving/disapproving are the parents? Does "approval" means "like" or just "not hate"? etc.)

I'd just file the response away mentally, and proceed as normal.
Good point.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  October 2,2010, 10:23pm
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I'd continue to do GC and use 2nd-questions to clarify with him what he meant. It's possible his clarification would be ok with you.

A possibility: the only women his family would disapprove are really extreme cases that any reasonable family would disapprove, for good reason. And he'd have to be an idiot not to listen to them!
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #10  October 2,2010, 10:47pm
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I'd consider it a red flag but ask for what your match meant by it. A lot can be read into the questions and answers based on our own experience so it's best to clarify with the person.

If it is a dealbreaker...odds are you can easily find that out by asking for further details. That's a lot better to know than wondering "what if".

Good luck with your search!
 
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