Must Haves/Can't Stands, how big of a deal should I make them?


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Shantak is offline Shantak Post #1  October 1,2010, 11:23am
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I know there have been posts about them, but I have a girl (39 with kids) who listed as a must have no sex before marriage.

I can understand this if we were both young, I could understand no sex until a serious relationship, but at this point I have no idea if I want to get married again, having a life long partner sure, but marriage I am not sure on. But I also could not imagine marrying someone that I had never had sex with either, just like I could not marry someone without living with them first.

I just don't know if it is worthwhile to continue communication and then ask about it in the 3 questions or the open communication. I am torn on this because other things in her profile and communication I like, but if this is a huge divide, is it better to kill it now rather than later? Most times I don't take the Must Haves/Can't Stands too seriously, but what do you do if one is so vastly not what you would want?

So I ask the community what they think.

Thanks in advance.
 
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Goomph is online now Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  October 1,2010, 11:37am
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You are not sure if you ever want to get married ever again ..... And she is sure she does not want to have sex before marriage.

You either give in and accept that you will not have sex with her until you are married, and maybe have it with other woman till you go exclusive. Or you close her .. If it takes two years to decide that you two should get married, are you ready to wait that long ? What if after two years of no sex and waiting she says, naaa, you are not the one, sorry. How are you going to feel ?

"move on" .....
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  October 1,2010, 11:41am
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Is it really that much effort to just ask her about it in the next step? I mean really?
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #4  October 1,2010, 12:21pm
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I would actually make this one of my three questions. I have been sent profiles that I found interesting with one glaring incongruity, and would alway ask about it in the third step. Sometimes just my questioning was enough to get me closed, sometimes their explanation allowed us to move forward, once it allowed me to realize that there was not a possible connection. Maybe she is just trying to weed out anyone looking for specifically sexual relationships?
 
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Shantak is offline Shantak Post #5  October 1,2010, 2:24pm
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Dropdeadredtx wrote :
I would actually make this one of my three questions. I have been sent profiles that I found interesting with one glaring incongruity, and would alway ask about it in the third step. Sometimes just my questioning was enough to get me closed, sometimes their explanation allowed us to move forward, once it allowed me to realize that there was not a possible connection. Maybe she is just trying to weed out anyone looking for specifically sexual relationships?
As always, you put things in a way that totally make sense and in an eloquent manner.

I knew it was no effort to move to the next step and just ask the question, but I am very cautious about leading someone on when I have no intention of a serious relationship, even in communication.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #6  October 1,2010, 2:25pm
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Yeah, what red said.

But I would state it something along the lines of "I usually don't discuss sex before I know someone, but since you brought it up so early in your MH / CS, why do you feel that way?".

Who knows, maybe you'll find out she really belongs in a convent or something.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  October 1,2010, 2:38pm
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Shantak wrote :
As always, you put things in a way that totally make sense and in an eloquent manner.

I knew it was no effort to move to the next step and just ask the question, but I am very cautious about leading someone on when I have no intention of a serious relationship, even in communication.
At this point neither one of you have even the slightest clue if there is any relationship potential period, so it's actually impossible for you to lead her on. Unless you both communicate and sort out your differences and confusion you won't know if you are passing up trouble or the match of your life. When it comes to things like that, know - don't guess.
 
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Shantak is offline Shantak Post #8  October 1,2010, 3:21pm
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DancingFool wrote :
At this point neither one of you have even the slightest clue if there is any relationship potential period, so it's actually impossible for you to lead her on. Unless you both communicate and sort out your differences and confusion you won't know if you are passing up trouble or the match of your life. When it comes to things like that, know - don't guess.
I cannot say what the experiences of women are on dating sites, but out of 30-40 matches I have sent communications to, I have 4 in communication, 3 of which I am actively talking to. This one is working on 5.

In talking to women I have been told they get dozens to undreds of responces a day they have to sort through, so when I actually am moving past stage 1 communication I do consider them as possible relationship material and treat them as such unless they have something that goes against who I know I am.

I close out any match I know will not be a good fit, and I close out non-responders within 3 weeks to a month. I might not be typical, but if you are communicating with me on eHarm it means I am interested in you, and if you are responding back it means you are interested in me. I feel it leads someone on if you present yourself as interested when you might not be based on information presented. Even with the stages of eHarm communication. Might be weird to some, but it is how I operate.

Hope that makes sense.
 
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