Short answers to thoughtful questions...


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heisenberg is offline heisenberg Post #21  August 1,2010, 10:10am
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A thoughtful question takes no work when picked from a list of questions.

A thoughtful answer, on the other hand, takes some effort.

But rather than start from scratch and reinvent the wheel with every match, I made an upfront effort to develop a list of 'thoughtful' answers to most commonly asked questions, and keep it handy to cut and paste from. I continually tweak and improve them. If I get a new question, I add it to my list after answering it.

This makes it much easier to respond quickly and "thoughfully" to questions, although I do tweak most of them before sending, as answers to such questions are usually fluid and not set in stone.

As to questions of "what one has learned from past relationships", I am looking for any hint of anger or an inclination to blame others for problems, as opposed to being positive about past relationships and having learned from them. Being on good terms with an ex-spouse is a definite plus.

As to "three best things", I hope for answers that go beyond "me, me, me" and point to more altruistic tendencies with regards to family or whatever

Good, well thought answers tend to give me the warm fuzzies about asking that person for a date.

But either way, unless there are any serious shortcomings with the answers, they are rarely deal-breakers.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #22  August 1,2010, 10:26am
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NYCpigeon wrote :
I wouldn't close you outright for the answer you just quoted, but I would see it as a possible problem.

The reason is that I believe a person who is interested in dating, should be able to get through a brief set of questions without getting their feathers ruffled. When you evade questions, get sarcastic, you're not going to score any points for that. But you do risk being viewed as having difficulty in communicating. Or worse, as having power/control issues.
That's fair enough. And indeed, early in my eH membership I did fully and honestly answer every question I was asked. I never felt good about doing it - it was as if the matches weren't respecting my boundaries.

I decided that if I would laugh in the face of someone who asked a question like "how have your relationships ended?" in person (at a party or in a bar), then why should I feel obligated to answer it from a stranger in eH?

I can see where getting two or all three questions answered like that, would be cause for concern. It probably wouldn't come to that, as I would close a match that asked more than one relationship/baggage question.

It's a delicate balance. My message is not to be sarcastic or evasive. It's to say "you can ask that again when the time is right. I don't feel like telling you that now."

Is that better than short answers like "yes" or "Intelligent, I'm a nice guy, I'm normal"? I dunno.
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #23  August 1,2010, 11:13am
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NYCpigeon wrote :
I asked him what were 3 personal qualities that he would bring to a relationship. Answer: Intelligent, I'm a nice guy, I'm normal
In all fairness, if you ask for three things, expect to get three answer, just like if you ask a yes or no question, expect to get a yes or no answer.

Now, could your match have expanded his answer? Certainly. Could you ask him to elaborate in OC? Certainly.

I've also had some overly wordsmithed answers to my questions that it seemed like the answer was more about using all of the characters available than answering the question. Long, wordy and meandering answers that don't drive to the point can be just as damaging in my opinion.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #24  August 1,2010, 11:18am
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melman wrote :

I decided that if I would laugh in the face of someone who asked a question like "how have your relationships ended?" in person (at a party or in a bar), then why should I feel obligated to answer it from a stranger in eH?

I can see where getting two or all three questions answered like that, would be cause for concern. It probably wouldn't come to that, as I would close a match that asked more than one relationship/baggage question.

It's a delicate balance. My message is not to be sarcastic or evasive. It's to say "you can ask that again when the time is right. I don't feel like telling you that now."
That's exactly the way I've felt about most of these questions.

They are of an intimate nature and more personal than they have to be, considering the fact that...you haven't even met me, for pete's sake.
I think the online dating idea is fine, in that it brings a huge number of people into your PC, sort of like going to a car show and seeing all the different models in two hours.
The downside is, because of all this "at my fingertips" dating technology...we also tend to want to start the actual dating process, the real work of it... through the monitor screen, which, IMO...just does not work.

"Oh, I didn't like the way he answered that!...he's gone...."

"this one had longer answers, therefore, they're more introspective..."

Would we actually do this to people who we are looking at, eye to eye??
here's the other thing, I'd rather have people be honest and give me shorter, concise answers..than to be long winded and leave me guessing what the heck they mean. Some questions just don't need long answers.

So much of what a person is what they show to you, face to face, through their inflections, tone..demeanor.

You simply cannot glean that info through a computer.
Last edited by TheThinker; August 1,2010 at 11:28am.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #25  August 1,2010, 12:38pm
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heisenberg wrote :
A thoughtful question takes no work when picked from a list of questions.

Good point. I usually write at least two of the essey questions myself, with the objectives being a detailed question if distance is a factor, a question about her goals if our ages are too far apart, and usually something about her living / lifestyle tastes.


heisenberg wrote :
But rather than start from scratch and reinvent the wheel with every match, I made an upfront effort to develop a list of 'thoughtful' answers to most commonly asked questions, and keep it handy to cut and paste from. I continually tweak and improve them. If I get a new question, I add it to my list after answering it.

This makes it much easier to respond quickly and "thoughfully" to questions, although I do tweak most of them before sending, as answers to such questions are usually fluid and not set in stone.

Exactly what I do.
 
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hummingbird_in_the_jungle is offline hummingbird_in_the_jungle Post #26  August 1,2010, 3:09pm
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D_Lion wrote :
The thing that matters is meeting.

Everything other than meeting is not important.

Sometimes I find questions stupid, or inapplicable to me.

Sometimes I find them to be a sign of her baggage - but, rather than close her I decide to meet and give her a chance (rather than assume.)

If you cared about finding a "good match," you would meet. Reluctance to meet, or excessive concern over meaningless online rambling, is itself a sign of a person who is not motivated to find a partner.

***

If your match ignored your question, you could consider rephrasing it in open communication, or asking it at your first meeting.
Let me clarify by saying that I have never closed anyone because he had short answers to my questions. I've given these men opportunities to meet, but often when we get to Open Communication, they stop talking to me or I've become more interested in someone else (usually a person who gives more information in his communications with me). I don't hesitate to meet someone in person.

I will close someone I've been matched with who doesn't have much information on their profile and has one photo or less (unless the little information they do provide is interesting enough for me not to close them). I assume that these people either aren't serious, don't like talking about themselves, or aren't paying members. I'd rather not waste my time with people who don't bother to fill out their profiles.

D_Lion, if everything other than meeting in person is not important, than what's the point of going to EH in the first place? What does a woman asking you certain questions have to do with her "baggage"? To me, the fact that someone isn't willing to tell much about themselves initially "is ... a sign of a person who is not motivated to find a partner."
 
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