He did a Bait & Switch on his Location-MARRIED!


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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #11  July 31,2010, 11:03am
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D_Lion, I sincerely doubt that you act like this when trying to date.

People that advertise or insinuate wealth are either trying to buy someone or lure them with the seduction of wealth (which may or may not exist).

My conclusion was based on the total picture of the details and not each one separately. Each one on it's own may not stand out as deceptive.

For all I know, he may only own the shirt on his back.

He spent too much effort trying to make sure that I understood his time limitations and that I would agree to his terms. It's not so much the idea of this that I found disturbing as the "overconcern" that he had about it. Why be so concerned? Are you doing something wrong? Hiding something?
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #12  July 31,2010, 11:10am
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NYCpigeon wrote :



He wrote back, "What???" Ten minutes later, he closed me.


When I asked him for his phone number, it took him 5 days to respond back (and not with the number, but with a story). When I told him he was married, he responded back in 5 minutes.

He said he could only see me on the weekends before we even met. You don't even know if you like someone. He was trying to make sure I would agree with the time restrictions before we could proceed. And he was trying to make me think he owned a company.

My take is that he's compartmentalizing everything from the start. This is what married guys do. Two locations, one of which is fake. He controls everything. And no phone calls.

I posted this more for the purpose because I want people to be aware. These guys (I know that women do it too) are predators. I'm not worried about myself because I have good radar. But, I hope that people read this and scrutinize their matches more and don't believe everything they read.

Especially women, because you are looking for a relationship so badly that you walk right into these things and don't realize it. And that's exactly what these guys prey on, that you are desperate.
I'm not so sure I'd use the term predator...
player, maybe. he may be married...but..

Like D-Lion said, I'm sure there's guys out there who are so plugged into their jobs they are going to want to have things all their way..this the time we date, no exceptions..these are the rules, yada, yada..if that's his way of showing you that, I'd say he did you a favor.
Just as I'm sure there's women who do it, also.

If he does own a company, his job as well as many other's depend on that...people's families, kids, etc..a huge responsibility..
Not making excuse for him, but I understand that.
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #13  July 31,2010, 11:11am
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heisenberg wrote :
This post seems a bit jaded...

There is not really enough information to state for sure this guy is married, much less to have reported him to eH as being so.

"When I told him he was married, he responded back in 5 minutes."
I would also promptly close out a match who accused me of being married. Being 'asked if I am married' and 'told that I am married' are different matters completely.

I am wary about giving out my my cell phone number to someone I have not personally met, as are others who have been online dating for awhile. This bit me in the past when someone pestered me on my phone just short of stalking, and eventually left me alone.

But if I am interested, I am quick to meet for a date, obviating the need for phone number exchanges too early in the getting to know each other stage.

So try to keep a more open mind about these things, and I concur with D_Lion that you may have overreacted a bit.

I disagree. It's just too easy to lie about who you are. There has to be some layers in between talking on-line and meeting. I have found over time that the phone is your best defense against married people.

There's no reason not to give your cell phone number. It's not traceable, and the odds of a nut coming along who will take the time to harrass you are slim.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #14  July 31,2010, 11:20am
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NYCpigeon wrote :

There's no reason not to give your cell phone number. It's not traceable, and the odds of a nut coming along who will take the time to harrass you are slim.
Not if he, himself has had it happen to him before.
It's like saying to someone, "nahhh, you don't need to lock your doors, I've lived here forever... I've never been robbed."
it doesn't mean a bloody thing to them...if they have been robbed.

Everyone has their own boundaries...if they don't agree with yours, that just means you may be incompatible.
But it doesn't necessarily make their choices odd.
Last edited by TheThinker; July 31,2010 at 11:24am.
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #15  July 31,2010, 11:29am
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TheThinker wrote :
not if he, himself has had it happen to him before. its like saying to soemone, "nahhh, you don't need to lock you doors, I've lived here forever... I've never been robbed..."
it doesn't mean a bloody thing to them...if they have been robbed.
Then I say to that person, "Don't expect to get a lot of dates. Giving your phone number comes with the territory." It's a legitimite and reasonable request.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #16  July 31,2010, 11:31am
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NYCpigeon wrote :
Then I say to that person, "Don't expect to get a lot of dates. Giving your phone number comes with the territory." It's a legitimite and reasonable request.
And that's the risk he's willing to take, and that's a reasonable position, also.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #17  July 31,2010, 11:33am
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I have had two EH matches in the last 3 or 4 months admit to being married - on in email before we met, the other at our first meeting. I didn't ask either of them, as I am a chilidishly naive think-the-best-of everyone soul. Both times they brought it up as the answer to a question about dating and meeting folks online.

Me: So, how is Eharmony working for you? Has it been successful so far?

Him: Actually you re the first person I've met.

Me: Oh, yeah? I'm flattered.

Him: Actually, this is the first date I've had in awhile. I'm not technically - well, I'm still married.

(crickets....)

There is indeed a fine line between paranoia and caution, but the truth is that there are folks out there who are not honest.
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #18  July 31,2010, 11:40am
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TheThinker wrote :
And that's the risk he's willing to take, and that's a reasonable position, also.
This would actually make a good poll question.

Dropdeadredtx wrote :
I have had two EH matches in the last 3 or 4 months admit to being married - on in email before we met, the other at our first meeting. I didn't ask either of them, as I am a chilidishly naive think-the-best-of everyone soul. Both times they brought it up as the answer to a question about dating and meeting folks online.

Me: So, how is Eharmony working for you? Has it been successful so far?

Him: Actually you re the first person I've met.

Me: Oh, yeah? I'm flattered.

Him: Actually, this is the first date I've had in awhile. I'm not technically - well, I'm still married.

(crickets....)

There is indeed a fine line between paranoia and caution, but the truth is that there are folks out there who are not honest.
This is actually the second one for me as well. You were very fortunate that they admitted it and you didn't have to go through the ordeal of getting involved.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #19  July 31,2010, 11:44am
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NYCpigeon wrote :
People that advertise or insinuate wealth are either trying to buy someone or lure them with the seduction of wealth.
Not really. For men, income / wealth / occupation is what controls the rate of women writing and replying.

Men who seek a partner of a certain class must be at that class themselves or appropriate women will ignore them. (When I finished my degree, my e-mails from women increased four-fold.)

I prefer not to specifically list my economic class (though it is hard to avoid having some descriptions of one's life, even if only through hobbies), to minimize the gold-diggers.

Still, a less discriminating man - or one who is having no women write - I could see him increasing how he describes himself.


NYCpigeon wrote :
I disagree. It's just too easy to lie about who you are. There has to be some layers in between talking on-line and meeting. I have found over time that the phone is your best defense against married people.
I disagree.

I could readily make phone calls secretly (but then, I am often at work late, or making conference calls in the evening. I can see how other occupations would have a harder time.) Also, my partners tend to have independant lives and interests of their own, which makes time opportunity easier.

The phone is about the worst method for spotting a married person. The best, by far, is to get into their house. Most people can get multiple phones, but very few are able to get multiple houses without their spouse finding out.


NYCpigeon wrote :
He spent too much effort trying to make sure that I understood his time limitations and that I would agree to his terms. It's not so much the idea of this that I found disturbing as the "overconcern" that he had about it. Why be so concerned? Are you doing something wrong? Hiding something?
It is legitimate to wish to learn that a partner will accept you prior to investing in them.

I would not want to pay or travel to meet a women, if she would dump me for something I could have checked in advance. If his time limitation has caused women to dump him previously, this is an obvious screen.

I have lost partners for not having enough time before. I wised up, and realised that I needed to screen out needy, unaccomplished women. Since then, I have not had the problem.

Granted, we are not aware of every word, but I do not see your posts supporting your conclusion (that would be like saying that since my neighbor has a Lexus, they must be drug dealers.)

***

For someone who has stated a lack of men (I think), I would suggest using more definitive screening.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #20  July 31,2010, 11:49am
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He may have been married...he may have not....still hard to tell. He could have been in a relationship already.


Such a situation is very conceivable...but actually in reverse.

There are many people who work in Manhattan during the week but spend weekends 100 miles or more away from new york. Same is true with other large cities that are expensive places to live like San Fran, Washington DC, and LA.

That alone of restricting seeing someone on the weekends or weekdays initially isnt a red flag.
 
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