Communicating w/ Someone Who Won't Meet?


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SwordOfTruth is offline SwordOfTruth Post #1  July 14,2010, 3:54pm
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I'm not sure how common this problem is, but I've recently found myself communicating with someone who doesn't want to meet me. Now, that's fine in and of itself, but why does she insist on further communication?

In this particular case, I suggested we meet after 6 messages back-and-forth (btw, 2 of each our responses used up the MAXIMUM letter length) or talk to one another on the phone. I said something to the effect of, "Not trying to rush you if you're comfortable with email communication, but I'm prepared to discuss meeting or talking on the phone. You seem cool, so I don't want to risk accidentally becomming your penpal." Her response was something she initially stated in her first message to me as a "concern" about me as a match. She prefers guys heavier than 150lbs (at 5'10, which I am). I gave her a funny response to her first message saying that along the lines of "I'm not sure how to respond to this, perhaps you'll find me more attractive in person? If you no how to bulk-up with words though, by all means tell me and I'll give it a shot!" She responded thinking it was funny, but has now recited herself stating she isn't sure she feels a physical attraction to me.

Shall I just stop communicating with this match, keep writing e-mails for an infinity amount of time (thinking one day my words will make me physically appealing or I'll beef up after 2 years of communication), or just say something like, "well, it was a real pleasure to talk with you. You seem great and I wish you luck, but obviously my words aren't going to make me any more appealing to you. If you want to meet or talk on the phone that's great, but otherwise I'm trying to meet people to date on eHarmony, not make penpals."

Thoughts? Resolution suggestion? Typical problem you encounter? Anyway to prevent these situations?
 
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seeksoulmate is offline seeksoulmate Post #2  July 14,2010, 4:07pm
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How close do you live to each other? Perhaps her response is a cover for her feeling embarrassed that she doesn't have the financial means to travel to meet you in person. Just a thought.
 
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ScottK is offline ScottK Post #3  July 14,2010, 4:18pm
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Personally, I would probably let the email slow down, and eventually just stop altogether.
(Kind of a 'nice' Poof in a way)

She will see the slowdown occur, and will have to decide whether to let it happen, or whether she is in fact, interested enough to meet up.

EHarmony is not a penpal site.

If she isn't interested in meeting, then she isn't what you should be looking for.

Let her waste someone else's time.
 
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SwordOfTruth is offline SwordOfTruth Post #4  July 14,2010, 4:30pm
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Seeksoulmate: We live about 20-25 minutes away from one another and there is a city (New Haven) inbetween us. I'd think she could easily bus/train it to New Haven as an inbetween. But yeah, I never even brought up details of when/where, just suggested we discuss meeting or phone convos. She didn't even want to communicate on the phone, so, ...yeah. Regardless of car, if she can afford to pay for eHarmony, but not a phone call, then there's something wrong with this picture. Lol.

ScottK: The responses are slow as it is. She's taken 3 days on average to respond to each step in the communication proccess. It's so slow and drawn-out, that I'm going to lose all interest at this rate of slow progression.

She's obviously stagnating for some reason, which is simply not conducive to dating (or meeting to date).

I figure I'll respond one last time with a message along the lines of what I wrote (and answers to some of her most recent questions), but make it clear that I'm not here to spend my time trying to convince people to find me attractive and want to meet. If you want to meet, great! If not, why are you still communicating with me?

Haha, she even said, "Not sure where that leaves us," after saying she didn't want to meet. Very perplexing, indeed.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #5  July 14,2010, 4:38pm
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SwordOfTruth wrote :
she even said, "Not sure where that leaves us," after saying she didn't want to meet. Very perplexing, indeed.
Not really.
 
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seeksoulmate is offline seeksoulmate Post #6  July 14,2010, 4:48pm
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Hmmm...
If it were me, I'd move on. Sorry. You've already suggested meeting or talking on the phone. She doesn't seem inclined to do so, and trying to talk her into it seems like a complete waste of your valuable time. I'd forget about persuing it any further. You don't owe her anything. If she contacts you to know why you stopped communication- tell her the truth. But quite frankly, I wouldn't leave the door open for her to do that. I'd close!! She made her decision, time for you to make yours
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #7  July 14,2010, 4:53pm
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SwordOfTruth wrote :
Seeksoulmate: We live about 20-25 minutes away from one another and there is a city (New Haven) inbetween us. I'd think she could easily bus/train it to New Haven as an inbetween. But yeah, I never even brought up details of when/where, just suggested we discuss meeting or phone convos. She didn't even want to communicate on the phone, so, ...yeah. Regardless of car, if she can afford to pay for eHarmony, but not a phone call, then there's something wrong with this picture. Lol.

ScottK: The responses are slow as it is. She's taken 3 days on average to respond to each step in the communication proccess. It's so slow and drawn-out, that I'm going to lose all interest at this rate of slow progression.

She's obviously stagnating for some reason, which is simply not conducive to dating (or meeting to date).

I figure I'll respond one last time with a message along the lines of what I wrote (and answers to some of her most recent questions), but make it clear that I'm not here to spend my time trying to convince people to find me attractive and want to meet. If you want to meet, great! If not, why are you still communicating with me?

Haha, she even said, "Not sure where that leaves us," after saying she didn't want to meet. Very perplexing, indeed.
May I ask, "Why is it that you want to continue pursuing this woman?"
Last edited by NYCpigeon; July 14,2010 at 5:14pm. Reason: No one is good-looking enough or has enough money to put up with this.
 
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OhSoCurious37 is offline OhSoCurious37 Post #8  July 14,2010, 5:00pm
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If this were a woman talking about a man I think we would have 10 responses already saying he is married...

I see a couple possibilities....
1. She's married, her husband is unresponsive and she likes you because she can "talk' to you... you listen...
2 She lied to you, probably on her profile... her age, weight, fake picture, whatever... meeting would blow her cover.

Her putting not meeting on you, because she isn't attracted to you is a way to alleviate her guilt...

just my $0.02....

The longer you contact her, the more you mention meeting... the more you build up her "Fake" self esteem... it's all an illusion.... you'd probably be doing both of you a favor by ending it...

The fact that she won't even talk to you on the phone makes me wonder if she is even a she...
Last edited by OhSoCurious37; July 14,2010 at 5:05pm. Reason: thought of a few more cents to put in...
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #9  July 14,2010, 5:01pm
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SwordOfTruth wrote :
You seem great and I wish you luck, (removed the other part...not necessary) but I'm trying to meet people to date on eHarmony, not make penpals."
That's all I'd say.
 
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SwordOfTruth is offline SwordOfTruth Post #10  July 14,2010, 5:19pm
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Haha, great responses all. Somehow I knew you'd respond to that part, Melman. It's only perplexing, because she WANTS to continue talking, but not meet or phone chat, haha.

Anyways, I have no intention of trying any harder with this person. Like stated, I'm not here to waste my time convincing others to meet me. I've already got 2 dates lined up for the next 2 weeks, so I'm rather content so far. As The Thinker would concur, I'm just going to leave it with a final message...I'm not going to close her though. I'll simply leave the ball in her court, if she ever has a change of heart...I don't close matches, unless there's something said/seen that really repels me. Basically, I have an unending communication/archive folder, haha.

Have other guys experienced this problem with people, though? Yeah, she might be a he. She might be married. She might be lying about something on her profile, which I indicated was something I really liked or who knows what. Just trying to grasp how widespread this issue is and if there are ways to prevent this from occuring.

I have a standard ending message, which I critique slightly with each person. If they don't respond to my initial email to meet (I include a one-liner in my first message), then 2-3 emails in I'll send this:

I'm not sure how quickly you ordinarily move through guided communication, but I thought I'd let you know that I'm up for a phone conversation or making plans. Not trying to rush you if you prefer to continue writing; you seem cool, so I don't want to risk becoming your pen pal by mistake. Looking forward to your next reply (with crazy adventure filled stories from Amherst, haha). - Obviously, the Amherst bit is an individual touch for this particular match. Feel free to critique this message if it stinks, btw. Haha.
Last edited by SwordOfTruth; July 14,2010 at 5:23pm.
 
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