First phone call - discussion of ex-spouses


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cela0922 is offline cela0922 Post #1  June 2,2008, 8:50am
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Why oh why do so many men seem to want to discuss past relationships in the first phone call? I've had it. Its like they are fishing to see if you are similar to thier ex wives or girlfriends, instead of concentrating on getting to know who I am.


I am very blessed to have a fantastic ex husband but I still wouldn't start talking about him, especially during that first phone call! I am tending to close down matches right after the "ex-spouse talk" starts, but I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face. Am I being unreasonable?


Any advice out there for me?
 
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Blue_Angel is offline Blue_Angel Post #2  June 2,2008, 10:52am
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hmm, i was wondering this same thing myself...when i was chatting with a guy he kept asking me about my ex...i felt like i was in a job interview...and it kinda made me step back a bit and wonder WHA?!?!? i told him i thought it was weird that he kept asking so much questions...
 
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graceventually is offline graceventually Post #3  June 2,2008, 11:28am
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I dunno.....I had my first phone call witha guy from a rival site last week, and I thought it was nice that he had positive things to say about co-parenting his children with his ex. He didn't sound like he was at all hung up on her, either...it was more like "we were friends, we should have just stayed friends, and we are still friends". I guess it depends on what is said and how it is said, but I found it reassuring and it gave me some insight into his life. He asked one question about how my daughter related to my ex and I gave him a brief answer and we moved past it to talk about something else. Meeting him this weekend....we'll see if I hear anything more that makes me change my positive assessment so far.
 
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johannar is offline johannar Post #4  June 2,2008, 11:51am
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cela0922, wrote :

Why oh why do so many men seem to want to discuss past relationships in the first phone call? I've had it. Its like they are fishing to see if you are similar to thier ex wives or girlfriends, instead of concentrating on getting to know who I am.


I am very blessed to have a fantastic ex husband but I still wouldn't start talking about him, especially during that first phone call! I am tending to close down matches right after the "ex-spouse talk" starts, but I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face. Am I being unreasonable?


Any advice out there for me?

I just finished a guided communication and the guy and I started to im. He did this and I told him I don't even know what he does for a living - why would I talk about my past with him.


He asked about 3 times and is the first person who I told either drop it or stop talking to me do not push on this topic - even if it is good answers.


Afraid I am not too tactful when someone is inappropriate in the questions. I am an open book but there are some chapters that are in in the preface![img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-innocent.gif[/img]
 
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dkj is offline dkj Post #5  June 2,2008, 11:59am
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I have always thought that if someone brings up the "EX" in the first conversation, they have some issues yet that I will pass on. I have no idea how many men do this but it isn't totally unheard of with women either. I think most problems aren't gender problems they're people problems.
 
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amantedelibros is offline amantedelibros Post #6  June 2,2008, 12:21pm
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I tend to agree with these posts. I don't date very regularly, but on the occasions that I have, the topic of "So, why did you get a divorce?" comes up around question 2-5, somewhere in the beginning. I had always heard, "Never talk about your ex with your date, especially on the first date!" So, I don't normally ask, partly because of this advice but also because I'm more into trying to learn about this person as an individual and a human being than I am about his past. At least, not immediately. The past would come up in the normal course of things or so I assumed. Anyway...I don't understand, but I'm glad to see someone here suggesting that the question says more about the person asking it, than the person not wishing to divulge so much, so soon.
 
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MW77009 is offline MW77009 Post #7  June 4,2008, 3:57pm
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I avoid such topics for the first few dates.
 
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TheRulesAdviceGirl is offline TheRulesAdviceGirl Post #8  June 4,2008, 5:04pm
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One thing to remember is that in a first email or phone call, we have very little information in terms of things in common, so people will go to topics you know you have in common first, such as being divorced and talking about online dating.


For me, I like to know how someone speaks of their former wives/girlfriends because if they speak ill of them, to me that isa red flag.


I think it's important to end relationships on a good note so that you start your next one on a good note. If you didn't, you bring those unresolved issue with you to the next relationship.
 
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histpsych is offline histpsych Post #9  June 4,2008, 5:10pm
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Blue_Angel,130150 wrote :

hmm, i was wondering this same thing myself...when i was chatting with a guy he kept asking me about my ex...i felt like i was in a job interview...and it kinda made me step back a bit and wonder WHA?!?!? i told him i thought it was weird that he kept asking so much questions...
well, i haven't even gotten to the questions portion of this...wondering if i have any matches out there lol but when i do, i pity the man who wants to talk about my ex. he isn't nice and things didn't end well so the asker might getan earful if he's persistent. [img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-tongue-out.gif[/img]
 
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histpsych is offline histpsych Post #10  June 4,2008, 5:14pm
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TheRulesAdviceGirl,132193 wrote :

One thing to remember is that in a first email or phone call, we have very little information in terms of things in common, so people will go to topics you know you have in common first, such as being divorced and talking about online dating.


For me, I like to know how someone speaks of their former wives/girlfriends because if they speak ill of them, to me that isa red flag.


I think it's important to end relationships on a good note so that you start your next one on a good note. If you didn't, you bring those unresolved issue with you to the next relationship.

i agree with you for the most part about unresovled issues and all, but i am here to tell you, while my ex was great at his job and i would trust my life in his while donning a uniform, as a husband well...i would prefer to leave the topic alone but if someone persists and wants to dredge it up...not all divorces end happy and it is not about any one person having unresolved issues...though i am willing to bet my ex needs a psych chair
 
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