Etiquette- women sending first message?


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areyoukidding is offline areyoukidding Post #1  June 10,2010, 1:58pm
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I'm new at this. Early 50s & just getting back in the game. Do women wait to be contacted first?
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  June 10,2010, 2:04pm
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Some women do wait. But, if you are paying for the service, shouldn't you use it to your full advantage?

I'm one to send questions if I'm interested. I've yet encountered a man who balks at this (unless they balk and close without telling me this is why).
 
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slaw is offline slaw Post #3  June 10,2010, 2:07pm
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areyoukidding wrote :
I'm new at this. Early 50s & just getting back in the game. Do women wait to be contacted first?
fire away. the dynamics online are different from real life. in a sense, he has already approached you by putting his profile out there on the interwebs.

plus, most men on EH would be thrilled to get a message from anyone!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  June 10,2010, 4:29pm
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Do NOT read a profile and then fail to send the questions. I fhe sees that you looked but didn't write, he will conclude you are not interested in him, or are too old fashioned (some men will be fine with old fashioned, though.)

If you wish not to write, then I suggest not even checking a man's profile until he sends you a message.

For me, I do not care who starts - but I do not want to bother with people with an excess of gender role fixation.
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #5  June 10,2010, 4:49pm
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As others have said, some women don't wait. I didn't, although I am very shy. My guy (we're still together) was flattered.

Good luck!
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #6  June 11,2010, 4:07am
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You're paying for the ability to communicate, so take full advantage of that.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  June 11,2010, 4:33am
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areyoukidding wrote :
I'm new at this. Early 50s & just getting back in the game. Do women wait to be contacted first?
I would. You might be waiting a long time for someone to contact you, but at least you won't be communicating with someone with little to no real interest in you.

Lots of your matches will not be active on the service, so it might be tempting to initiate contact just to make something happen, but not only are many not active, there will be many active ones that aren't very interested but will communicate out of curiosity that could likely wind up being time wasters. I personally don't consider any communication better than nothing, especially if it's ultiamtely on the road to nowhere.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  June 11,2010, 3:07pm
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Nanette wrote :
I would. You might be waiting a long time for someone to contact you, but at least you won't be communicating with someone with little to no real interest in you.

Lots of your matches will not be active on the service, so it might be tempting to initiate contact just to make something happen, but not only are many not active, there will be many active ones that aren't very interested but will communicate out of curiosity that could likely wind up being time wasters. I personally don't consider any communication better than nothing, especially if it's ultimately on the road to nowhere.

This post is just so ... wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong !!!

Many people are smart enough, or experienced enough, to know that "interest" in someone begins to be established after meeting - and after seeing that "interest" is justified by the partner's actions.

So, communication is not proof of interest.

However, lack of interest by the woman is proof of lack of interest by the woman, thus interest in such a woman is innapropriate.

Thus, smart men are not interested in disinterested women.

Got it? Good !!!
 
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heisenberg is offline heisenberg Post #9  June 11,2010, 3:42pm
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areyoukidding wrote :
I'm new at this. Early 50s & just getting back in the game. Do women wait to be contacted first?
If you are interested, feel free to initiate communication.

I have been contacted by matches I had not planned on initiating contact with, and which resulted in good communications and pleasant dates. From this I learned to be a little more open minded about my first impressions of others profiles.

With few exceptions, I will respond to requests for communication. Exceptions being any glaring deal breakers in their profiles.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #10  June 11,2010, 4:14pm
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There is no etiquette proscribing a woman from sending questions to the guy on a dating service for which both are paying. Most of the men will find it flattering as well, so you're not going to offend them.

I do sometimes wonder if it isn't a waste of time for the lady to send questions to a guy on eHarmony however.

Reason being that I can't imagine why a guy who is ready to date and find a long-term partner wouldn't just open communication with the matches in whom he is interested. On the occasions I've opened with the guy it turns out he's only interested in some sort of FWB arrangement with me. So I think well doh, likely I should expect that ... if he'd seen any long-term potential with me I guess he'd have opened communication.

Despite that, what I would recommend is to send questions to 3 or 4 high-interest matches at a time, as well as communicating with those who communicate with you and that way you have the best of both worlds and the advantages (and disadvantages) of each.

Good luck.
Last edited by nightling; June 12,2010 at 6:30am. Reason: because I wanted to make it clear I am only discussing use of eH. Haven't used any other site enough to form an opinion..
 
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