Soldier in Iraq seeking advice...


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apache435 is offline apache435 Post #1  June 7,2010, 2:56am
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I've been on eHarmony for a few months, I joined just before I deployed so I'd have a year to see what eHarmony could offer. Anyway, enough of that, here's my dilemma: I was matched with a very promising woman, and maybe I got excited because she's so pretty and has great profile information, but I chose to skip to Open Communication. I sent an email that I thought was pretty clever and funny, but I've received no response back. However, it shows that she has viewed my profile and as far as I know she hasn't Closed communication. I don't know if there would be a way to tell, but I would imagine I would no longer be able to view her profile. So in my head it's a 50/50 chance that either she is a non-paying member that can't reply, or she isn't interested and doesn't update her matches that she chooses not to communicate with. Anyway, it's been about a month now with no change, and while I have other matches I'm talking to regularly, she just keeps catching my eye. Here's my question, and I feel kinda creepy asking it, but then again, maybe someone thinks otherwise... Is it acceptable to look her up on a social networking site like MySpace and send a message mentioning that we matched on eHarmony? I tried to explain my situation as clear as possible to get the best answer from someone, so if you have any advice AT ALL, please let me know what you think. I imagine this has happened to at least a few people before, so what did you do if it did? I mean, we are both on eHarmony, which is in a way a social networking site, just like MySpace or FaceBook, so why not send a message on either one? There's so many non-paying members, many of whom have their FaceBook info on their profile just for that reason. So am I being paranoid that I may come off as creepy for looking her up, or is it just a chance I should take and if she's not interested, I just move on? Please let me know what you think... Don't make me use the "Support Your Troops" guilt trip haha.
 
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middle_east_medic is offline middle_east_medic Post #2  June 7,2010, 3:18am
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Brother,
First have the time of your life over there, but be safe. Second, I just got back from Afghanistan where I was an Advanced Remote Paramedic for a year and went through almost the same thing you did. Don't make those mistakes by 'pursuing' women who do not communicate with you. It can and will be perceived as intrusive and over eager. It can result in passion and friendship and love, but if you are intrusive once you will do it again. This will be explosive for both of you, and as it seems you are already interested, you will be hurt, discouraged, and lose focus. Think man. Well................that sounds like good advice, but really just follow your heart, you never know. Cause no matter how many times we all follow our heart and take the risks to fall in love, scary.........always worth it though, isn't it? Good luck.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #3  June 7,2010, 3:30am
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As I understand things work now, if she closes you, then her profile will move to your "archive" folder.

And, "no," it really isn't acceptable to contact her via Facebook (or whatever) for the reasons you already know, including that many people use eHarmony because of the privacy that it provides. That being said, I suppose you don't have anything to lose by doing so, either (assuming you can even find her profile since you don't know her name). If you do, though, you must only contact her once. If she doesn't respond or welcome your contact, then move on.

I know it can get pretty lonely over there, and it's easy to build someone up before you get to know her, but keep in mind that she is just a profile on the page at this point. You're imagining what she is like, but you don't really know. Even though her profile is very appealing, that doesn't mean that she is how you imagine her to be.

Good luck to you (and, thanks for your service! ).

Edited to add: Another option is to wait until the next free communication weekend and give her a nudge then. Even if she is not a subscriber, she will be able to respond if she wishes.
Last edited by neardc; June 7,2010 at 3:44am.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  June 7,2010, 4:11am
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Sorry but it is completely unacceptable and out of line to try and track her down through any social networking site or anything else such. It is hands down stalker territory. Don't go there.

Yes, I've had a similar thing happen - other than the fact that it freaked me out, I'm now using a fake name to protect myself and my identity from men who go too far. It is very very scary.

The reality is that you are obsessing about some pixels on the screen and building up a person in your imagination that she is not in real life. The real life person rejected you. A non-response is a rejection. In fact, everything other than a yes is a rejection.

As the poster above said, you may want to leave her profile up until the next free weekend, but if you are going to obsess about it, it's probably best to delete for your own sanity.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  June 7,2010, 8:41am
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Keep her open in case she's unpaid, then send her a Nudge right before the next Free Communication Weekend. That's as far as you should go. If she doesn't communicate, she doesn't want to, so you shouldn't try to track her down some other way.

Meanwhile ... don't let focusing on her distract you from the matches who are responding to you! They are much more promising than a woman you don't know and have had no communication with!

Good luck to you! and thanks for your service, be safe.
 
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apache435 is offline apache435 Post #6  June 7,2010, 3:43pm
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Hey thanks for all the advice so quickly! Some of you are on the fence about it, and some are at the extreme negative end of the spectrum, so I will basically take a "don't do it" from this. Some clarification though... DancingFool, do you really think it is stalker territory? If this were to happen to me, I would be a little creeped, but if it was someone I matched with that I wanted to talk to but couldn't, I would be excited and grateful they took the initiative. Answer me this, DancingFool: If a very attractive match found you outside of eHarmony and messaged you, would you react differently than if the same thing happened with a very unattractive person? These are obviously mitigating circumstances, but I believe that most, if not all people would react differently in these situations, even favorably in the case of an attractive match. Like NearDC said, if I were to send a message, it would only be once. Yeah I like her profile and pictures, but I still realize I don't know her at all. Thanks everyone, and by the way, how do you nudge? Does that option only come up on these free communication weekends? Non-paying members are such a pain, haha.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  June 7,2010, 3:50pm
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apache435 wrote :
Hey thanks for all the advice so quickly! Some of you are on the fence about it, and some are at the extreme negative end of the spectrum, so I will basically take a "don't do it" from this. Some clarification though... DancingFool, do you really think it is stalker territory? If this were to happen to me, I would be a little creeped, but if it was someone I matched with that I wanted to talk to but couldn't, I would be excited and grateful they took the initiative. Answer me this, DancingFool: If a very attractive match found you outside of eHarmony and messaged you, would you react differently than if the same thing happened with a very unattractive person? These are obviously mitigating circumstances, but I believe that most, if not all people would react differently in these situations, even favorably in the case of an attractive match. Like NearDC said, if I were to send a message, it would only be once. Yeah I like her profile and pictures, but I still realize I don't know her at all. Thanks everyone, and by the way, how do you nudge? Does that option only come up on these free communication weekends? Non-paying members are such a pain, haha.
A nudge is available after 7 days of not responding. It will auto pop up.

I understand your question to Dancing, but take a look at this from another angle. Do you want to chance that it creeps her out? Do you want to run the risk of eliminating a chance between the two of you because you can't be patient with the eH system?

If I were attracted to a man and he "found" me on FB or something else, I probably would be flattered. But, how would he know that I'm attracted to him? IMO, it's a chance you shouldn't take if you can't say yes or no, one way or the other.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #8  June 7,2010, 4:20pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Keep her open in case she's unpaid, then send her a Nudge right before the next Free Communication Weekend. That's as far as you should go. If she doesn't communicate, she doesn't want to, so you shouldn't try to track her down some other way.

Meanwhile ... don't let focusing on her distract you from the matches who are responding to you! They are much more promising than a woman you don't know and have had no communication with!

Good luck to you! and thanks for your service, be safe.
Since he already sent her an eHarmony Mail (OC) message, I don't know if they can go back to GC.... and if she's not a paid member then GC is the only way she can communicate.

And I agree with the others... don't try to track her down some other way. Unless she also happens to be on another dating site and you recognize her there and attempt to start communication on that site, but I wouldn't allude to the eHarmony introduction, just start anew on the new site.
 
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iheartourtroops is offline iheartourtroops Post #9  June 7,2010, 6:25pm
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Hi there solider,
First and foremost please be safe and come home safe as well. I have only been here a short time. Have had a couple promising matches that lead to no where. If she was truly interested I believe she would of gotten back with you by than. Than again it could be that shes not a a paid member. I myself wouldn't go "chase" her down else where. That's a tough one specially if you want to feel that connection. There is a special someone out there for everyone!! Reason why we are all on here. As much as her profile or pics or both caught your attention maybe it's just time to simply move on. There are going to be plenty of women worth your attention and affection. I'm a ex military wife myself. I understand that military life and that is something you are going to want to have in a potential mate. Wow that totally sounded like a pick up line hahahaha *blushes* ummmm ok now I have totally lost my train of thought haha. In a nutshell. I would have to say pick up. Move on, and let yourself be open to someone else totally catching your eye. God bless and please be safe
 
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Lookingandlooking is offline Lookingandlooking Post #10  June 7,2010, 7:02pm
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If she was interested in you - she would cough up the dough and become a paying member.

I think you are better off focusing on the matches that ARE communicating with you!

That doesn't happen everyday!
 
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