Dealbreakers -- Full Disclosure or Hope for Acceptance?


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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  June 5,2010, 8:07am
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I'm going to be rewriting my profile soon and I'm still not sure what to do with informing matches of an aspect of me that I expect will be a dealbreaker for a lot of people.

Full disclosure? Put it out there. Why waste time with people who will close me or break things off when they find out?

Hope for Acceptance? Don't put it in the profile. Why turn off people who, once they got to know me, might be ok with it?

(I'm not going to say what the dealbreaker is right now because I don't want feedback on it specifically! ... let's just be vague and stick to theory! It's not children/no-children, marital status, age, religion, ... stuff like that.)
 
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sony12 is offline sony12 Post #2  June 5,2010, 8:18am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
I'm going to be rewriting my profile soon and I'm still not sure what to do with informing matches of an aspect of me that I expect will be a dealbreaker for a lot of people.

Full disclosure? Put it out there. Why waste time with people who will close me or break things off when they find out?

Hope for Acceptance? Don't put it in the profile. Why turn off people who, once they got to know me, might be ok with it?

(I'm not going to say what the dealbreaker is right now because I don't want feedback on it specifically! ... let's just be vague and stick to theory! It's not children/no-children, marital status, age, religion, ... stuff like that.)
I don't think it is good to put full disclosure in your profile (unless it would be something that would prevent you from being able to have a normal physical relationship with someone).

You don't necessarily want to lie in your profile. But the point of the profile is to catch people's attention. So to do that it is good to focus on your good qualities. They will be much more likely to not accept your quirks before they know anything about you then after they know you a little bit.

So focus on your good qualities in your profile and after talking and meeting people slowly fill them in on your quirks.

Unless it is a physical disability that prevents you from having normal interactions with people or you have some emotional problems or something similar don't bother with it in your profile.
Last edited by sony12; June 5,2010 at 8:22am.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #3  June 5,2010, 8:35am
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If it's something very personal like a health condition, no, I would not put that out there in a profile. A level of trust is usually required to tell someone something of a personal nature like that, and you'd want the opportunity to tell him details of it in person.

If it's something from your past that's never going to happen again (I dunno, like being a stripper?), then no, I would not put that out there in a profile either. You'd want someone to get to know you before passing you by with a judgmental attitude.

If it's something like you're going to be moving 500 miles away in 4 months or you plan to apply to become a nun shortly, then yes, that should be disclosed.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  June 5,2010, 8:57am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Well, if you don't put the dealbreaker into your profile I think the unpleasantness of having several people drop you at a later stage of communication/meeting/relationship will be a strong motivator to put the dealbreaker in.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #5  June 5,2010, 8:58am
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Sex change?
C'mon...give us a hint...

We'll be good!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  June 5,2010, 9:04am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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TheThinker wrote :
Sex change?
C'mon...give us a hint...

We'll be good!
Just hope her matches won't notice? lol
 
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melman is offline melman Post #7  June 5,2010, 9:33am
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Without knowing the issue, it's hard to say. Everyone has things that they expect to know in advance. Personally, I think that anything I'd see before asking you out in person, ought to be disclosed. This includes obvious physical disabilities or limitations.

I also expect profiles to contain information about any previous marriages or children. I don't think this is something I should have to ask about. I know that everyone does not agree with this.
 
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cal_dude is offline cal_dude Post #8  June 5,2010, 9:36am
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Sounds like a disclosure for the 1st or 2nd OC message.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  June 5,2010, 9:36am
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jayjay wrote :
Well, if you don't put the dealbreaker into your profile I think the unpleasantness of having several people drop you at a later stage of communication/meeting/relationship will be a strong motivator to put the dealbreaker in.
If people would drop me for this, we're not a good match, so ... not exactly a disappointment, but ... yes, I'd rather cut to the chase! Also, my Ideal Man would match me on this ... but it's waaaay down my list of priorities.

TheThinker wrote :
Sex change?
C'mon...give us a hint...

We'll be good!
Starts with "A".

In my previous EH incarnation, I first had it in "additional info", with some explanation of it. I had my profile reviewed here and no one commented on this thing.

It's one of those hot-button topics on EHA and I know from threads here there are a lot of odd (IMO) and strongly-negative opinions about it. I've never encountered that IRL ... people don't know it until they've known me awhile and I've never gotten a negative reaction to it. But it's clear the negative reactions are out there. So then I rewrote that section, making it shorter, and eventually took it out altogether.

So ... leave it out of profile ... bring up sometime within first few meets? (Assuming I ever meet anyone ever again at any time in some far future.)
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  June 5,2010, 9:36am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Sassafras54 wrote :
I'm going to be rewriting my profile soon and I'm still not sure what to do with informing matches of an aspect of me that I expect will be a dealbreaker for a lot of people.
If you really think this will be a 'dealbreaker' for people....what would be the reason to leave it out of your profile? Are you hoping to later change their mind about this being a dealbreaker?
 
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