How to interpret "Want kids: yes" if we are too old


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RedApple is offline RedApple Post #1  June 3,2010, 9:34pm
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I'm a 42 year old man. I have set the limits for my matches to 46, so I get plenty of matches older than me. To my surprise, many women even at this age have set their "Want kids" field to yes. Now if I do the math: a few years to have the solid relationship needed to consider having kids together, then perhaps another year or two of fertility treatment, as conceiving won't be so easy at our age. And so we will soon be fifty when the child is finally born.

For this reason, I tend close/not contact matches who are older than me plus want kids:
a) I just think it's unrealistic
b) I don't want a relationship with a biological clock hanging over us to speed things along
c) I have concerns for the health of the child at this age

Now, please, I do not want a political discussion if it is ok to have kids at a certain age. I just want to be able to read and interpret what I see on eH. Are women serious about this? Does "Want kids: yes" always mean biological children? If I go forward with such matches despite my concerns, when will be a good time to clarify this question? I feel silly to bring this up before even having met the match, but on the other hand it will be a disappointment, last not least for the women herself, to discover a difference in position at a later time once we are already in a relationship.

For the record, I already have two small kids who are with me half the time, and listed my own field as "Want kids: Maybe", as I'd be fine with more biological or stepchildren, but don't have to have them.
 
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Irishlass68 is offline Irishlass68 Post #2  June 3,2010, 10:02pm
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I wouldn't think neccessarily that it means they want biological children. The best way to know for sure would be to ask. If I were you I'd come right out with it fairly early in the process, if it weighs on you that heavily. You don't want that hanging over your head.
I am 42 myself with an almost 9 year old boy. At one point I did want more kids. However at this age I don't think its very likely and I'm not going to knock myself out to have more kids. If I wind up with a guy that has kids, thats fine.
I do worry sometimes that I will be overlooked by men that want children of thier own, but then I have to remind myself ...do I really want someone who can't accept certain um facts of life with me?
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  June 3,2010, 10:31pm
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I've heard some people interpret this as "would you accept your partner's children" or something like that. Maybe even a question about whether they want their own kids they already have from previous relationships. Strange? Yes. Very Strange.

Course, it could be something else entirely. Like they missed this on the questionnaire and it defaulted the answer. Or, they filled it out years ago (my profile is 5 years old, recently rejuvinated and updated) and it is something they forgot to change.

Ask them if you truly want to know their answer.
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #4  June 3,2010, 10:34pm
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The only way to know is to ask. I wouldn't worry about doing all of that math. Find someone appealing that you click with and get through the GC process. Then find out how high of a priority that "yes" is. Perhaps this is a question you could suss out in open communication or in final questions.

I'm 40 and I have my setting set to yes. My yes means, open to adoption, open to being a great step mom, open to ttc naturally, game to ttc with technical support if it doesn't break the bank, but would be at peace doing absolutely nothing about procreation if time and my partner had other plans. I already have one child, so that is an influence. It's probably more of a firm YES for women who don't have any kids. But the point is that the yes is in no way a dealbreaker.

So as you see, asking is important.

ETA: By the way, fertility treatment for women in their 40s often involves donor eggs and there is also now a treatment called mini ivf as another option. Not to go all medico on you, but the chances of concieving later in life are better than most people think. Is it optimal or desireable or affordable is totally another issue that I won't comment on. But yes, it is possible.
Last edited by 2clueless; June 3,2010 at 10:54pm.
 
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RedApple is offline RedApple Post #5  June 3,2010, 10:52pm
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Thank you all, I appreciate the answers! I probably worry to much about these things and should just ask as you suggest.
 
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sneepy1 is offline sneepy1 Post #6  June 4,2010, 8:40pm
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Thanks for discussing this issue. I've often wondered about this myself. To me, this seems to be another ambiguity with eHarmony profile data that is open to interpretation. What if neither match has children. Does that mean that the match requires that they must have children naturally or through adoption someday? Or does it just mean that it is okay if one match already has children? It wouldn't surprise me if most people view this detail differently.
 
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RedApple is offline RedApple Post #7  June 4,2010, 8:56pm
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Good questions, this leads me to another one which is the flip side of it: What if the match states "Want kids: No"? Does it mean she doesn't want kids in her life, or she does not want to give birth to new ones?
 
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chemgal is offline chemgal Post #8  June 5,2010, 7:53am
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That could mean either. If you already have kids, make that fact clear to her early on and she'll close you if it's a dealbreaker.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  June 5,2010, 9:02am
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As others have said the 'yes' could also mean she's open to a man's current children or that she would like to adopt. At the same time I do think there are a lot of women who are age 40-45 who are still holding out hope to have a biological child of their own. They may figure they may or not be able to.... but they'd like to give it a shot.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  June 5,2010, 9:42am
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This is one of those areas where the EH preferences and personal info just don't cover all possibilities. Also people interpret the preference settings differently ... think they're sending 1 message when their matches are interpreting it to mean something else.

Probably best to either cover it in "additional info", if it's very important to you, or OC, or early in-person meetings.

And not close someone unless you really know for sure what they meant with their settings.
 
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