slaw is offline slaw Post #1  June 2,2010, 10:45am
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This is really a question for the guys that use EH or have used it in the past but I am sure the ladies will weigh in from the other side as well cause I am sure this goes both ways.

I have now had 3 consecutive meetings with matches on EH where the woman I met bore little to no resemblance to the woman pictured in her profile. In each case, there were no indicators that the pics were old or otherwise strange. The last one was so much heavier than her pics (think 3 years and 50-60 pounds ago) that I did not even recognize her (I walked right by her in the cafe). I would never have believed it was her until she spoke and I knew her voice. The other two were not as extreme but were still noticably different (i.e. much heavier). This would be like me posting a pic from 7 years ago when I had long, flowing hair.

Guys, how common is/was this with your EH matches? This is 3 out of 12 for me (3 months of EH). Any tips to avoid this? I normally meet women out and about, so, I may unwittingly be doing something in my approach online that is resulting in this. Sadly, I am finding myself gunshy with a couple of potentially cool matches on EH because of these last experiences.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #2  June 2,2010, 11:04am
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Not much you can do about it, other than flat out ask them how recent their photos are.
I don't think anyone should be offended by that, in the interest of fair play.

If it were me being asked, I know I wouldn't get offended.
They could always lie about it, I guess, but at least you asked..
 
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nophotos is offline nophotos Post #3  June 2,2010, 11:14am
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I also wouldn't be offended if asked. When I sent pictures, I included a note with when and where they were taken. If this happened to me, I would just concentrate on not getting into a mindset of "every woman" does this and give up.

Good luck!
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #4  June 2,2010, 11:17am

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it exists on the other side too- one EH match was in much worse shape (not wieght, but looks) and i met someone on another site that admitted he photoshopped his pic a bit to correct a droopy eyelid.

I don't think there is anything you can do about it other than ask for a recent cellphone pic. or ask how recent the photos are. then of course, you run the risk of being called shallow.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  June 2,2010, 11:25am
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Rather than get gunshy with new matches, just be willing to have a pleasant coffee with someone and say "sorry ... don't think this is going to work, good luck to you".

I agree there's not a lot you can do ... until you meet someone in person, who knows who they really are? (Looks, but also all kinds of things.) Just don't let it make you stop trying.
 
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sciencegirl is offline sciencegirl Post #6  June 2,2010, 11:30am
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I had a match ask me which one of my pictures was the most recent and It didn't bother me. If you're going to meet them in person you want to be able to recognize them. It's always best to be upfront about your looks anyways. Everyone would like to say it doesn't matter, but It does. Of the two guys I met in person from the site (currently dating one of them) one of them looked the same and the other was actually a lot more attractive in person so I guess I've been lucky.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  June 2,2010, 11:38am
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This is definitely not limited to women or EH and there is nothing that you can do about it. They are posting old photos because they are insecure about their appearance and think that they will not get a date as is.

On the other hand, if you are allowing this to get to you emotionally to such an extreme that you are becoming gun shy and defensive and letting that interfere with your dating life, then you are investing way way too much hope and expectations into those first meetings.

Relax and go into those meetings without any expectation. Don't invest so much. The reality is that maybe you'll like each other and maybe not, maybe she'll be even hotter than her photos and while you are dreaming about secluded beaches she is wondering how soon she can get out of this meeting. The whole point of a meeting is to find this out - no more and no less.

By the way, asking her to verify how recent her photos are or anything along those lines is a bad idea. For one, if you are talking to someone who is genuine, you will actually insult them because you are questioning their integrity without them giving you cause. For two, you are dumping your baggage on them and showing them that you are pretty jaded and take a few bumps in the road too hard.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #8  June 2,2010, 11:41am
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I've met two that didn't look quite like their pic.

One had red hair (I really like redheads for some reason) in her pic, but, I guess hadn't dyed her hair in a while and it was brown with some gray here and there. She looked a little heavy in her pic, but, was heavier in RL.

The other also had a different hair color than her pic. She also had more of a "cute" look in her pic than in RL. Pic was a couple years old. She did mention that her pic was a little old and her hair color had changed and later uploaded more recent pics. Much more beautiful in RL than in the pic.

I wouldn't say either was a gross misrepresentation. It doesn't bother me if someone is a little heavier than they look in their pic. I know my weight fluctuates and I don't upload a new pic every month or anything. Of course, I didn't put up a pic when I was super active playing a lot of different sports and working out daily either. I would really hate to meet someone and get that look of disappointment.
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #9  June 2,2010, 11:50am
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When I was on eH, I dated all my photos. Only one, I think, was older than six months.

I've encountered profiles of men who had posted photos that were clearly 10 or even 20 years old, judging by their appearance or other clues. I never met any of them face to face to find out for sure--though I did, in a couple of cases, initiate communication anyway. They, like most of my matches, never replied.

Come to think of it, the photograph that my guy used was not exactly new. It didn't matter, though, because he's just as attractive to me now as he would have been then. I've forgiven him.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  June 2,2010, 12:13pm

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Hi Slaw,

I’m not a guy either, but as a Customer Care representative, I can tell you that this can go both ways with men and women, and it can also go both ways that they can either look less attractive to you in person, or actually look more attractive to you in person.

One idea I’ve seen that can work wonders -- you can put it somewhere on your profile that you would prefer to see recent photos before communicating. I even had one very thoughtful member add an explanation to this request that he hoped not to cause greater hurt by meeting someone and not feeling attraction. He communicated effectively that he was looking out for his matches as well as himself. In doing this, he was able to get at least one match who was interested in him to post recent photos.

However, Sassafras54 said it well – most of your matches aren’t going to read too much into a coffee date, and so if communication has gone well, meeting in person may very well be worth the “risk”. As I said before, it could be that you find her more attractive.

That said, I agree with Iconography -- this should be a hint to women (and men alike) - be upfront and put dates on your photo captions!

All the best,

~Kate
eHarmony Advice Host
 
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