Feeling Guilty or Fessing up? Opinion Please.


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chicgal is offline chicgal Post #1  May 20,2010, 9:07am
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I've taken some opportunities to join in some discussions and have tried to research this topic...but most are several years old and would prefer some refreshing opinions from the experts here on EHA.

I have taken to heart some of the articles as well as posts as to opening up the dialogue and my personal choices to those who might not have been in my "ideal" preferences.. whether location, height, size, education and other areas that many here enjoy debating.
So I have ventured into the unknown...yet, I have come to a sad observation recently with some I have met.

A majority of men have lied about their age, not by a few years but now by a decade or so. I understand I should try to go beyond my comfort level but when meeting I can obliviously see he doesn't match his profile or picture and he fesses up mid-way ...how should I react?

This last date is a few years younger than my parents!
Wasn't divorced once but twice and has double the children.
So I go from one extreme with him showing me his Bypass scar to another who was carded at a restaurant.

O.k.. we had a nice time laughing and joking, but it still disturbs me that someone would find it easy to lie about something so important and rather simple.
I'm glad he fessed up but am I wrong to feel mistrust already?
He's already called and wants to go out again...I haven't responded due to the shock.
Any advice?
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #2  May 20,2010, 9:40am
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You aren't wrong to feel mistrust. Some would say you should walk out on the date when lies that big surface; I wouldn't necessarily say that, but i definitely wouldn't accept a second date.

Despite the lies were you attracted to these people? Some might say in that case it doesn't matter and keep seeing them, but for me those major lies up front would be a problem and cause us to not continue dating.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #3  May 20,2010, 9:55am
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chicgal wrote :
A majority of men have lied about their age, not by a few years but now by a decade or so. I understand I should try to go beyond my comfort level but when meeting I can obliviously see he doesn't match his profile or picture and he fesses up mid-way ...how should I react?
I find it hard to believe a majority of them are doing this. How many men lied to you about their age? Did they all admit it, or how did you find out?

It doesn't make any sense to me since age is something you can easily check- i.e. why lie about something where you'll probably get caught? Especially by 10 years or more?

I wonder how many women on there lie about age, since women are more likely to lie about their age in real life, in non-dating situations. Yet men don't seem to do that in real life so much.

Online it seems the opposite- I see a lot of women saying the men lied about age, but hardly any men saying the women did.

Weird.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #4  May 20,2010, 9:57am
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FairOne wrote :
Despite the lies were you attracted to these people? Some might say in that case it doesn't matter and keep seeing them, but for me those major lies up front would be a problem and cause us to not continue dating.
I'd say if someone is lying about his age, especially by 10 years, he's more likely to be lying about other things, like possibly already being in a relationship.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  May 20,2010, 10:29am

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Hi Chicgal,

It’s interesting that you have posted this topic, because I have been working on something regarding this issue…

I think that there is a significant difference between being open-minded and “pity-dating”, so to speak.

Some signs of it being more on the pity-dating side would be: feeling excessively obligated, oppressed, or anxious; encountering definite deal-breakers, and discovering that you don’t have chemistry (to name a few).

When it’s “open-mindedness” you tend to feel more anticipation and that it’s an opportunity. It does happen for many people, even when matches fall outside the original preferences!

Lying about age (or anything else) isn’t something to ignore. In fact, we encourage people to report matches who lie about anything to our Match Concerns department by e-mailing the name, location, and reason for your concern to matchconcerns@eharmony.com.

I know it’s nice to feel that there are candidates and that there is activity, but don’t settle for 2nd best – you won’t be happy, and ultimately, your match won’t be, either!

All the best,

~Kate
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  May 20,2010, 11:57am
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You are correct to be shocked and to be upset - you were deliberately deceived and there is no excusing that. To me personally that means it was the first and last date. That kind of deception is not acceptable and leaves me wondering just how easily would they deceive when it comes to other things in life - I'd rather not find out the hard way.
 
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chicgal is offline chicgal Post #7  May 20,2010, 12:07pm
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I know this is a Trust Issue...but I was trying to be open as many have mentioned here on other threads.
So I was already outside my comfort level...but this was to much.
Dealing with his divorces, additional children and health issues...for someone who has remained single is alot to deal with.
I admit I have thought about fibbing on my info and stating "Divorced" which would make it easier for me than having to explain my choice to remain single, childless, all this time, but I can't.
I'll deal with the ongoing question...."Really? You've never been married?
I don't know if I give out a certain look, project something else...but it seems that my recent track record looks like I'm doing research for a Comedy script rather than a potential relationship.
I know I will decline his offer....especially after looking up his Web site and finding either his wife or "ex" still listed as a member of his medical practice.
...I just wanted to know if others have dealt with this Age issue, Divorce, children and now even medical...maybe that should be included on the profile...Rate your Health from 1-10.
Thanks for the support
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #8  May 20,2010, 12:21pm
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Chicgal,
Please don't lie on your profile. There is nothing wrong with not having married yet....but I'm not the one that has to believe this, you are. If you feel like you have somehow been left sitting on the shelf too long then that's what you'll project.

Find a way to get comfortable with your status (i mean, some would see the fact that they haven't married the wrong person as a source of pride; it all depends on your perspective) and then you may have a better guage on what to be open-minded about vs what's inexcusable.
 
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chicgal is offline chicgal Post #9  May 20,2010, 12:22pm
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To Kate..EH Moderator,
Thanks for chiming in and yes I have taken necessary steps as you mentioned.
Still, the fact remains for us over 40 singles we're in a different place, professionally, economically and personally which can sometimes be more difficult than what young singles or divorcees deal with.
Nope, I won't settle for second best, I never have despite that I have had wonderful prospects and men that many would envy and question why I gave them up...but trust was always an issue.

I never thought of it as "pity-dating" but I would'nt do that either...just by my reaction to this date, I'm upset yes but also feel bad that someone would go to that extreme.
Last edited by chicgal; May 20,2010 at 12:25pm.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  May 20,2010, 12:30pm
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chicgal, the lying about age is common among men and women. I had some lie by 1 or 2 years (never told me but I found out from multiple sources) and others that have admitted to lying by 10.

The photo thing can be a bit irksome as well. The man who lied by a year had photos posted that were at least 5 years old. He still has those same photos posted.

The only child issue I ever dealt with was a match telling me accidentally put one child instead of two on his profile. He was worried I would be upset. Thing was, he had that listed (in the select an option portion) but said two in the body of his profile. Obviously, this wasn't on eH.

I rarely let a deliberate lie pass. If they are willing to lie to get me to go on a date, what else are they willing to lie about later on?

It is frustrating and sometimes I get upset. But, I also realize, they are the ones who really lose out. Who is to say that if they hadn't been honest to begin with that I wouldn't have liked them. The lie they told puts a huge dark cloud over them, in my eyes.
 
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