Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #1  May 15,2010, 9:41am
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All you gurus, you help if you please.

I ask the following question in Second Questions:

"What are you ultimately looking for from a relationship?"

Every now and then I will get an answer that actually answers this question. But more often than not I get some really squirrelly answers. This has led me to wonder if maybe my question is not being understood.

The question that I am asking of you all is what do you think that I have asked. I am NOT asking if you like or approve of this question only what you think it means. If you would you can either give a definition of what my question asks or you can give the answer that you would give if a match asked this question of you.

Thanks for your help.
 
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Buck is online now Buck Post #2  May 15,2010, 10:00am
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I would like a snuggle bunny. All else would fall into place.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  May 15,2010, 10:15am
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Hmmm, ultimately? If you remove this word, it might sounds better. I ask a similar question of my matches, actually anyone I meet in e-dating. The ultimately part I understand but wonder it its a word that makes them go huh?

You might want to ask "What are you looking for in your next relationship and partner?"

Are you trying to get answers about marriage, kids, travel and such? Or are you looking for someone to tell you how they expect a partner to treat them? Both? Something else?
 
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sony12 is offline sony12 Post #4  May 15,2010, 10:15am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
All you gurus, you help if you please.

I ask the following question in Second Questions:

"What are you ultimately looking for from a relationship?"

Every now and then I will get an answer that actually answers this question. But more often than not I get some really squirrelly answers. This has led me to wonder if maybe my question is not being understood.

The question that I am asking of you all is what do you think that I have asked. I am NOT asking if you like or approve of this question only what you think it means. If you would you can either give a definition of what my question asks or you can give the answer that you would give if a match asked this question of you.

Thanks for your help.
There is nothing wrong with the question. However if all they are really looking for is a ride in the hay a couple times a month you will probably very seldom get a straight answer.

And if they are indeed looking for something serious you will probably not get a straight answer either because they will not want to scare people off.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  May 15,2010, 6:22pm
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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AndieIsMe wrote :
Hmmm, ultimately? If you remove this word, it might sounds better. I ask a similar question of my matches, actually anyone I meet in e-dating. The ultimately part I understand but wonder it its a word that makes them go huh?

You might want to ask "What are you looking for in your next relationship and partner?"

Are you trying to get answers about marriage, kids, travel and such? Or are you looking for someone to tell you how they expect a partner to treat them? Both? Something else?
Houston we have a problem.

The word "ultimately" is there because the question is focused on where the relationship is going to end. And, for me, the correct answer is marriage. If they respond that they are looking for friendship, a travel partner, etc. at least they have answered the question that I asked.

Explain to me how you would interpret "What are you ultimately looking for from a relationship?" as asking something like "how they expect a partner to treat them?". Your response is exactly what I was looking for, you did not understand what I was asking and I need to understand why since my question is so black and white and obvious to me.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  May 15,2010, 6:35pm
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sony12 wrote :
There is nothing wrong with the question. However if all they are really looking for is a ride in the hay a couple times a month you will probably very seldom get a straight answer.
I have never had anyone answer my question giving any indication that all they were interested in was a ride in the hay.

And if they are indeed looking for something serious you will probably not get a straight answer either because they will not want to scare people off.
I have only had a few matches answer with some indication that they want to get married. More often they will make a couple of circles around that concept believing that if they actually said they wanted to get married they would scare me away. But I can interpret the circuitous route.
Round about answers to my question is not a problem. Or even the match that is looking for a golf partner or the one that was looking for a business partner to help start and run her new business venture are not the problem.

It is the really off the wall answers that leave me scratching my head wondering what question they were answering since it was not what I thought I had asked. I wish I could remember some to give as examples.
 
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nophotos is offline nophotos Post #7  May 15,2010, 6:59pm
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If I had received this question, I would answer it along the lines of:

Mutual respect, kindness and fun!

I consider marriage a relationship, so I wouldn't think of that as an answer.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  May 15,2010, 7:16pm
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Maybe you should ask "What is your goal from your next relationship?" But, even that seems a bit off. Possibly offering a suggestive answer. Like "Are you looking for marriage?" But, I still don't like that one either. Sorry I can't be more helpful. But, at least you can see why even with "ultimately" it still brings up somewhat ambiguous answers.

You could include Long Term in the question. That suggests something leaning towards marriage.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #9  May 15,2010, 7:21pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
It is the really off the wall answers that leave me scratching my head wondering what question they were answering
Stop interpreting everything that anyone writes to you, in a serious manner. It could well be that the match is telling you "this is an inappropriately nosy question from someone I haven't seen in person yet. So let me see if you have a sense of humor and/or a personality."

Do you?
Last edited by melman; May 15,2010 at 7:23pm.
 
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VB_Girl is offline VB_Girl Post #10  May 15,2010, 7:47pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
Hmmm, ultimately? If you remove this word, it might sounds better. I ask a similar question of my matches, actually anyone I meet in e-dating. The ultimately part I understand but wonder it its a word that makes them go huh?

You might want to ask "What are you looking for in your next relationship and partner?"

Are you trying to get answers about marriage, kids, travel and such? Or are you looking for someone to tell you how they expect a partner to treat them? Both? Something else?
Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Houston we have a problem.

The word "ultimately" is there because the question is focused on where the relationship is going to end. And, for me, the correct answer is marriage. If they respond that they are looking for friendship, a travel partner, etc. at least they have answered the question that I asked.

Explain to me how you would interpret "What are you ultimately looking for from a relationship?" as asking something like "how they expect a partner to treat them?". Your response is exactly what I was looking for, you did not understand what I was asking and I need to understand why since my question is so black and white and obvious to me.
I understand Andie's answer. Your question appears to ask for traits they are looking for ("What are you ultimately looking for from a relationship") rather than their long term goal. Maybe rephrase your question to What is the ultimate outcome you are looking for in a relationship?
 
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