Probably don't want kids, but what to post?


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newtodating1 is offline newtodating1 Post #1  May 10,2010, 4:13pm
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On my eHarmony profile, where it asks if you want kids, there are only three options: yes, no, and maybe. So I most likely don't want kids, but I don't want to rule it out completely yet. So I picked "maybe." And when I receive profiles that say that family and children are a priority, I typically lean away from those (maybe one reason why I've only met one person off here so far!).

But is that OK? I was thinking to be more honest, maybe I should switch to "no" on the kids option. Then it would likely be much harder to find someone. But then again, don't want to say never!

And I'm definitely not at that stage anyway- still working on second date stage. But I thought it would be good to avoid misleading anyone (since I realized the guy I've been going out with does want kids, at least according to his profile.)
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  May 10,2010, 4:16pm
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I would get clear on the issue. It should be a definite yes or no so you wont have problems with it later.
 
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Kamek is offline Kamek Post #3  May 10,2010, 4:21pm
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Nanette wrote :
I would get clear on the issue. It should be a definite yes or no so you wont have problems with it later.
I don't think that's always possible. I can definitely see where the OP is coming from.

I have a somewhat similar situation. I would like to have children one day. However, if I don't then that's ok too. I've put on my profile that Yes, I want kids. But I don't want to turn away those who don't. It's a tough call.
 
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Sparkenwolf is offline Sparkenwolf Post #4  May 10,2010, 4:22pm
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With no age to work with, will take longer to post. If you are younger, and want children down the road, put yes. Older, then you probably will want to experience life out of the empty nest. I don't think a "yes" will picture you as Marisa Tomei stomping her foot, referring to something ticking.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #5  May 10,2010, 4:24pm
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I would stick with maybe. I dont know your age. I suspect you are young. That bio clock is a very real thing and may go off at some point in your life.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  May 10,2010, 4:25pm
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If you wish to signal a conditional choice, then I think "maybe" is best.

Some things to think about are whether you'd accept partners who already have children. Even people who intend not to have any more sometimes screen out people who select "no."

Personally, I have "no" selected, and I would screen only for no current or planned children partners, if I could.

You could also consider using your "something else your match wants you to know" space to give more detail.
 
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newtodating1 is offline newtodating1 Post #7  May 10,2010, 4:26pm
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Nanette wrote :
I would get clear on the issue. It should be a definite yes or no so you wont have problems with it later.
Do you mean to get clear on it in my own mind? If so, that would be hard to do for me, I think. As I've posted before, I've recently gotten out of years of depression, and I'm just now dating for the first time.

I had thought I would never have kids because I didn't want to transmit any components of the depression that could be hereditary- didn't want to put my kids through that. And I still mostly feel that way. But since I'm better now, things are changing, and there's still a chance that my mindset could change, I guess. So it's hard to say yes or no...but as of now, still probably no, though.

Wow, sorry, long answer to a short question! But does this mean I should change my profile? And the one guy I'm maybe going to go on a 3rd date with, who does want kids, I should somehow mention this? (but it seems really soon)
 
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newtodating1 is offline newtodating1 Post #8  May 10,2010, 4:31pm
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livenlearn wrote :
I would stick with maybe. I dont know your age. I suspect you are young. That bio clock is a very real thing and may go off at some point in your life.
Yes, I'm 29- not young young, but not quite old either!
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  May 10,2010, 4:32pm
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newtodating1 wrote :
Do you mean to get clear on it in my own mind? If so, that would be hard to do for me, I think. As I've posted before, I've recently gotten out of years of depression, and I'm just now dating for the first time.

I had thought I would never have kids because I didn't want to transmit any components of the depression that could be hereditary- didn't want to put my kids through that. And I still mostly feel that way. But since I'm better now, things are changing, and there's still a chance that my mindset could change, I guess. So it's hard to say yes or no...but as of now, still probably no, though.

Wow, sorry, long answer to a short question! But does this mean I should change my profile? And the one guy I'm maybe going to go on a 3rd date with, who does want kids, I should somehow mention this? (but it seems really soon)
The reason I think you should try to get clear on it is that if you encounter someone that is a definite yes and you are a mostly no, if it develops into something serious with the definite yes then you will either be forced to decide yes (even when you may not want to or be ready to) or it will become a dealbreaker.
 
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newtodating1 is offline newtodating1 Post #10  May 10,2010, 4:37pm
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Nanette wrote :
The reason I think you should try to get clear on it is that if you encounter someone that is a definite yes and you are a mostly no, if it develops into something serious with the definite yes then you will either be forced to decide yes (even when you may not want to or be ready to) or it will become a dealbreaker.
Hmm, hadn't thought about it quite like that. That's true. I guess I will have to think it through- but my whole life is kind of undecided now- job, place to live (I have both but not sure if I will keep the same in years to come), etc. So it's hard. Thanks for the post.
 
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