Why I should break up with eHarmony


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LittleHugBug is offline LittleHugBug Post #1  May 2,2010, 6:42pm
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I am posting this because a) I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way and b) I don’t have a lot of faith in the official “contact EH” process. If a public forum is what it takes for them to hear it then so be it.

My membership is coming up on expiration soon, and I have been thinking (always dangerous right ) about why eHarmony has not been working for me. I have been reading so many posts on here from jaded, disillusioned people who are unhappy with their EH experience. I know we’re fools if we expect what they talk about in the commercials – it’s a commercial and therefore automatically fluffy B.S. created solely to sell EH. But recent experience has uncovered what I feel are the two most damaging and yet fixable things about EH that make our use of it more difficult than it has to be. I know some of you are thinking “only two?” Yes. These two are the biggest for me. Give me a minute (or 2 or 15) and tell me what you think…

1) Timeout. I am composing this very post in Microsoft Word because I have all too often crafted a witty post or, worse yet, a wonderful response to a potential match’s question only to hit the button and be told that those brilliantly crafted, thoughtful paragraphs have been lost to the internet ether and I must log in again. As far as I know, EH is not a site that is well-known for its bustling online chats between members. Other sites have IM features that make whether you are logged in or out relevant, but I can’t see why EH feels the need to kick us off. They think we are not using the site but we are, we’re just pausing to think! And type! Why can’t EH give us the time we need? I resent paying money for a site that constantly makes itself inaccessible. If they have any technological way to know that an input window or whatever you call them is open on an EH page, then I think EH should consider that page to be “in use” and let the client remain logged in. And speaking of crafting those thoughtful responses, that leads me to

2) Character limit. This is far more serious and what I would call a major defect of EH’s basic structure. EH stresses the importance of profile content, and guides us through what we should write. They themselves say that the more we put in our profile, the more responses we get. And then they proceed to put a character limit on the essay questions. WHY? Character limits on profiles literally do exactly that: limit our character. We are not given the space to develop our unique style and voice. We don’t have the room to explain our answers, tell our jokes, or reveal our conversational rhythm / writing ability. Just think: how many profile lines have been unnecessarily dissected on this very forum simply because a person didn’t have enough room to explain what they really meant? EH actually recommends expanding on “list/bullet” items like what we are thankful for or can’t live without, then proceeds to not even give enough space for a full sentence! They tell us to put more information and then deny us the room to do exactly that!
I have been on EH seven years and have gotten a pitiful amount of communication over that very long period of time. I posted a profile on another site and had men contacting me within minutes – they all said how much they enjoyed reading my profile and how entertaining they thought it was. They said things like “you sound like quite an interesting person I’d love to get to know you better.” I’ve read my EH profile and no matter how talented I feel I am as a writer I know no man is going to say that about my profile here. I don’t have the room to be interesting here. I don’t have room to be myself here. I literally don’t. have. room. And I know I am not the only one: the only thing I’ve found more irritating than the lack of information on profiles is the fact that the information that is given all sounds the same. People’s hobbies, interests, leisure activities and even passions can be the same – they need space to expand on those things and really talk about them and show themselves. Personality profiles should have personality.
~*~*~*~*
I find it interesting that when a member is having trouble with EH, EH loves to turn it back on them and suggest they are doing something wrong. They need to retake a test or change their parameters or they aren’t saying the right thing in their profile. What they seem to forget is that EH members can only work with the tools EH gives them, and we are being given inferior tools. Yes, we probably should retake the character test if it has been years, I’m sure we’ve changed and so have our 29 dimensions . But we (ideally) set our parameters to what we want, keeping in mind what we can compromise and what we cannot. Lowering certain parameters will technically give us more matches but we will not be as compatible with them and our relationship with them will be more difficult. And yes there are many things that we can put in our profile that can make us more appealing and help potential matches discern if we would truly be compatible with them. But we have nowhere to write these things.

eHarmony has a reputation as a (supposedly) serious relationship site. But does serious have to mean boring? The profiles, communication techniques and overall vibe of the site are very…stuffy. I know lots of people came to EH because they seemed to be offering a more meaningful online dating experience. There are plenty of hookup sites out there that are the metaphorical equivalent of the slutty beer guzzling party person: compatibility is superficial and the site has no problem connecting you with people who are already in a relationship with someone else. But other sites also ask more interesting questions, provide adiquate space for one's profile and facilitate better communication between members. eHarmony may have taken the moral high ground, but it is losing the popularity contest because its acting too stuck up.

eHarmony: Stop giving us lip service and LET US TALK! About ourselves, to each other, and to you.


…My posting space is unlimited, my profile space is. What’s wrong with this picture?

PS: I went to post this thread and got an error - thank god I copy-saved before I hit the button.
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #2  May 3,2010, 12:56pm
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The only time I've ever had the timeout issue come up is when something unexpected happened while replying to a match and I had to leave my computer. I've found that 60 minutes is more than enough time.

As far as the characters issue goes, I'm in the camp that quantity does not always equate quality.

I do agree with you that it is rather disgusting that Customer Care often seems to blow off a concern to focus on what's wrong with you. That's incredibly patronizing and not helpful like they think it is.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #3  May 3,2010, 1:17pm
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If you're going to write a post in Word, at least paste it into Notepad and copy from there, so you don't end up with all the garbage pink smilies that make it hard to read.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #4  May 3,2010, 1:19pm

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7 years is a long time to be unsatisfied with a service and continuing to pay for it.
 
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StarLaurel is offline StarLaurel Post #5  May 3,2010, 2:01pm
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I get it what you're saying--I'm a reader and a writer, however not everyone is.

The profile shoud pique interest, not satisfy every curiosity someone may have about you. What purpose, then, woud real life conversation serve?

Imagine limitless characters...restaurants would close (no first dates to "get to know" each other!), breath mints would no longer be produced (no nervous breath checks!), we'd all forget how to tell and laugh at corny jokes (hey, just write it in your profile!). In short, we would become a society of shortcut communicators (oh wait, that's already happened!)...you get the point.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #6  May 3,2010, 3:18pm

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I hope you feel better, now that you've vented!

Really everything you've written has been commented on over and over and over here...but the fact remains that some people have success with eH and some don't.

Are you sending FQ's to every match with a filled out profile and picture? Pre screening can seriously limit your opportunity to meet people. Remember about 90% of our matches aren't even members so if you get 10 matches a day and prescreen out 50% of them, you have possibly deleted the one person who could actually reply to your FQ.

Are you limiting your distance ? If you're in a small town, consider including the nearest larger city as part of your distance willing to travel.

Are you waiting for men to contact you? If so, why?

And have you considered having your profile critiqued in the forum in eHA? Excellent suggestions are often made here.

I've been successful with eH when I have joined, though I prefer meeting men IRL-and take steps to do so every week.

You aren't alone in your complaints, but you are the only one who can change them.
 
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brixjnz is offline brixjnz Post #7  May 3,2010, 3:18pm
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The two best matches I've ever had on eH were concise in their profiles. In fact, the great guy I'm talking to now had no more than one sentence answers to all of his questions. Our communication now that we're dating is (obviously) more expanded, but I appreciate that he was able to express the basics of who he is in so few words.

On the other hand, I've had matches on other sites that seemed great initially. They were witty and intelligent and wrote short novels as emails. That got tedious after a while and the communication fell off as I grew bored of reading pages of email when a couple of sentence could have conveyed the same meaning.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that StarLaurel is right. Just say enough to pique their interest. Not too many men are going to want to read through a long drawn out profile.
Last edited by brixjnz; May 3,2010 at 3:26pm. Reason: Sorry, I forgot to add my whole point.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  May 3,2010, 5:34pm
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First thing ... goodbye!

1) eHarmony tells you that you have a limited amount of time to write your message on the dating site. Further they also suggest that you write and save your messages in a word processing program and then paste them into the message box. Of course that would have required that you took time to actually read stuff that is on the eHarmony site during your 7 years there.

2) Your post was too long for me to read so had you had a limited amount of space to complain then you may have been forced to be less verbose and gotten your point across with better quality rather than a long rant!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  May 3,2010, 5:37pm
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MicMan wrote :
The only time I've ever had the timeout issue come up is when something unexpected happened while replying to a match and I had to leave my computer. I've found that 60 minutes is more than enough time.

As far as the characters issue goes, I'm in the camp that quantity does not always equate quality.

I do agree with you that it is rather disgusting that Customer Care often seems to blow off a concern to focus on what's wrong with you. That's incredibly patronizing and not helpful like they think it is.
mrflyer wrote :
If you're going to write a post in Word, at least paste it into Notepad and copy from there, so you don't end up with all the garbage pink smilies that make it hard to read.
scarlet13 wrote :
7 years is a long time to be unsatisfied with a service and continuing to pay for it.
What these people said.
 
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jenny_926 is offline jenny_926 Post #10  May 3,2010, 6:53pm
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Those are two very interesting and, I have to say, unique reasons for choosing to not use an internet dating site.

I generally compose my responses offline just so that I can take my time and make sure grammar and spelling are accurate. As for the character limit, I've haven't had an issue with it; however, you do seem quite verbose. My only comment is that I doubt people are very interested in reading a tome from their matches when reviewing profiles.
 
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