Young widow, how do you get that across


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charmed59 is online now charmed59 Post #1  May 1,2010, 11:23am
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I'm still playing with my profile, and one of the things I'm trying to wrap my mind around is my widowed status. There doesn't seem to be the divorced/never married/widowed/separated question anywhere. So is that in the first round of questions? Or are you supposed to slip it into the responses somewhere.

If I were to slip it into the responses, the place I'd probably put it is under most influential person in your life. As how could I not be influenced by the guy I was married to for 22 years, from the time I was just starting out in life until now, as I'm launching our two amazing children. But I'm wondering if that's too weird.

I'm thinking its not something I want to surprise someone with the first time I meet them, as responses from people I'm not even trying to date tends to start with "I'm SOOO sorry" and that pity face.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #2  May 1,2010, 11:31am
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I believe that any information about prior marital status, needs to be in the profile. The "most influential" question is a reasonable place to mention your situation.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #3  May 1,2010, 11:31am
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How old are you? Since your profile says retired my impression is that you arent "young" as in your early 40s or younger.

If they know you have children there has to be a father to the kids...which leads to the question if you were married and if so how long.....if your kids are younger or adult children then the question would be of father in the kids lived.....its going to come out.

You being widowed isnt that big of a deal.

The bigger deal would be an issue of if you are ready for a new relationship without knowing how recently he died.
 
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charmed59 is online now charmed59 Post #4  May 1,2010, 11:39am
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ami1uwant wrote :
How old are you? Since your profile says retired my impression is that you arent "young" as in your early 40s or younger.

If they know you have children there has to be a father to the kids...which leads to the question if you were married and if so how long.....if your kids are younger or adult children then the question would be of father in the kids lived.....its going to come out.

You being widowed isnt that big of a deal.

The bigger deal would be an issue of if you are ready for a new relationship without knowing how recently he died.
I'm 50. My husband died when I was 48, and he was 49. My youngest is in high school, my oldest in college. And I've been retired since I was 40. (Which is a whole nother kettle of fish. How exactly do explain hard work and lots of luck.) So no, not that young, but still young enough to have a kid at home.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #5  May 1,2010, 12:05pm
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I would definitely mention it somewhere in the profile, and I don't think it would be weird to put it in the "most influential person" section considering how long you were together.

If you don't mention it, I think a lot of guys are going to ask about whether you're divorced and things along those lines that could be painful to have to answer and awkward for the person hearing the answer.

This will also weed out the few that have an issue with someone who is widowed, so you won't have to waste time on them.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #6  May 1,2010, 12:06pm
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You do not "have" to state that you are a widow in your profile. It's something that can be discussed instead once you get to open communication. If, however, you wish to weed people out up front who refuse to date widows, it's a way to do that.

You could, perhaps, just include a statement in the "anything else to know" section that states that you are widowed, but are now looking forward to beginning this next stage of your life. You might not want to put the info in the "most influential person" section since so many people seem to react negatively when someone mentions a former spouse there (e.g., assuming that it means that you aren't ready to move forward, even if this is not the case...). Or, say something like, "Of course my late husband was very influential in my life, but I was also greatly influenced by......"

I do agree that you don't fall into the "young widow" category (e.g., 20s or 30s), so it will not be too unusual for your matches to encounter other widows among their matches.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband, and wish you luck in your dating adventures!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  May 1,2010, 7:07pm
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My condolences on your loss.

As mentioned you don't fall into the "young" widow category.

It would be quite appropriate to make mention of being a widow in the Most Influential section. Just be sure to say that it is your LATE husband.

You also better be prepared for a lot of instant closes.
 
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readytodate is offline readytodate Post #8  May 2,2010, 8:29am
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I'm so sorry that your husband passed away. That is such a sad story. I'm so sorry.

Now, please don't think I'm being argumentative, because I swear I am not...but why do you feel like you need to tell a new guy right up front that you're a widow? They will know that you're single, or else you wouldn't be here, and that you previously had a partner, since you have children...but not sure why they would need to know what path took you to your current single status.

Is it because you don't want them to think you're divorced, as opposed to widowed? Is there a stigma that you place on divorce that you don't want them to apply to you? If so, I understand that, even as a divorced woman myself, but just wondering what motivates your desire to have them know up front that you're a widow, as opposed to a single parent.

I don't think they need to know so much so soon, but if you want to make sure they do know, then yes, write it into the profile spot where you get to tell more about you. I think that is the best spot for it.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #9  May 2,2010, 8:41am
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readytodate wrote :
why do you feel like you need to tell a new guy right up front that you're a widow?

...not sure why they would need to know what path took you to your current single status.

...I don't think they need to know so much so soon
I disagree completely with this reasoning. As I said earlier, I believe you need to be very up-front about previous marriages and any children you may have. These are essential facts about yourself that your matches are entitled to know. I would close any match where this sort of information wasn't stated up front, but came out later in discussion, or if I "discovered" it later.

For example, I once discovered through google that a match who had asked me endless questions about my past marital and relationship status, was herself divorced but kept it hidden from me until our first meeting... when that was all she talked about. Never again, I said.

Simply state these issues in the profile, in a basic matter-of-fact way.
Last edited by melman; May 2,2010 at 8:44am.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #10  May 2,2010, 9:04am
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melman wrote :
I disagree completely with this reasoning. As I said earlier, I believe you need to be very up-front about previous marriages and any children you may have. These are essential facts about yourself that your matches are entitled to know. I would close any match where this sort of information wasn't stated up front, but came out later in discussion, or if I "discovered" it later.

For example, I once discovered through google that a match who had asked me endless questions about my past marital and relationship status, was herself divorced but kept it hidden from me until our first meeting... when that was all she talked about. Never again, I said.

Simply state these issues in the profile, in a basic matter-of-fact way.
The thing is, the eH profile process just doesn't elicit this information at all. So, people simply should not be penalized if they don't put it.

If the reason for someone's single status is important to you, then I think that's something that you should ask about in advance (and/or make a statement in your profile, such as the fact that you do not wish to meet matches who have been divorced or widowed...). I would say the same regarding other issues that are "can't haves" for people (e.g., pets, etc.) since they do vary on an individual basis.
 
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