40+ TWO WOMEN-SAME RESULTS


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rRACINGRANDY is offline rRACINGRANDY Post #1  April 28,2010, 5:20pm
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hopes for better weather.

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Glad I didn't renew my subscription last month. After what I have had to endure since the fall from my matches on this site, I cannot advocate the services.

Two women. Both initiated the diologue. Both within my age bracket. 40+. Both women were excited and we went throught the normal communication process. From E-Harmony, we transferred to direct e-mail. From there, phone calls. One has a child about my sons age. Living on her own. Getting together for the first time was a 3 week challenge. Actually took a month. Schedules were difficult to manage, other things came up, took a lot of patience, phone calls and e-mails. First meet-up was for coffee in a local cafe. Date went well. 2 hours. Had to go. After the date, she wrote to me and wanted to get together for another date. So we planned it. A few nights before the date, she cancelled. "No baby sitter". I was ok. We continued to call. We tried again for a date. She cancelled. "Parents just couldn't watch her son". Again, I understood. But then I started noticing something. She hardly called me. And then the e-maiuls became shorter. Regardless, we set another attempt for this past Sunday. In the afternoon. Sunday came and 4 hours before the date, she sends me a text. "Can't make it. I will call you tonight!". No call. No nothing. That evening...she didn't call.

I sent her a simple message....."Good Luck in your search".

Woman #2 innitiated the communication as well. Same process. Only this one we met sooner. Lived closer. First "Met Up"...3 hours for drinks. Lot's of chemistry, laughter and we exchanged hugs. She wrote back that night..."Would love to get together again!" So we set up. 10 days later, we met for breakfast. Had another great time and we planned to get together for an entire day. 3 days later, she sends me an e-mail stating she is not ready to date, joining E-Harmony was a mistake and she is cancelling the subscription.

And so these past two women that initiated the diologue, spent hours chatting on e-mail and phones call, simply chose to end the process. No, "I am sorry's" no, explanations from Date #1.....no nothing. They enter into my life quickly...they leave as quickly as the came.

I asked both before we transitioned to open communication if they were "emotionally healthy" to start a relationship. If they had the time to date. Both stated "yes". But in the end, I really don't think so.

I made it clear to both that I was looking for somewhat of a structured relationship. 1-2 nights a week (if that) and every other weekend. (I have my boys). It's on my profile. And both stated they were looking for the same thing. Date #2, her husband past away 8 months ago. After 20+ years. As she described her husband, it appeared it was too soon. She was emotional.

I understand some of you are going to say.."Maybe it was you!". But I don't think so. I asked both, if they had the time to enter into a relationship. Bioth said "yes". Yet date #1, kept cancelling the dates. She kept telling me "dating is hard" because she has no one to watch her son. I could understand that. But when she texts me that she can't make it and then bever calls the same night......what is wrong??

This explains what I have had to endure since XMAS on E-Harmony. Lot's of women initiate, state they are ready...but either they "poof" or dissappear after the first date. Who knows? Maybe it is me! After all, the first dates usually last 3-4 hours.

Oddly enough, I met someone 3 weeks ago from a Meet Up Group here in Chicago. Children my same age and she lives close by. Things look somewhat promising. But I can't help and wonder. And I want to ask......

How should I have asked...."Are you ready to date?" and what shoudl I have asked differently during the communication process. Before the first date.

And despite not renewing my membership....I am still getting requests for communication. There is one there now.

But I won't answer.

Not after what's happened since XMAS.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  April 28,2010, 6:19pm

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Hi RacingRandy,

Sorry you had to go through these experiences. I think, unfortunately, these scenarios aren’t uncommon in the dating world, both online and “IRL” (in real life). I think it’s a valid point you make that it doesn’t seem too productive to ask someone if they are ready – just because people tend to want to believe they are, but the “proof is in the pudding”. And, it’s even hard to gauge their “readiness” to some degree; sometimes it’s just essentially a bad match regarding expectations and so on.

I don’t know that age or demographics, or even how you met really matters. I think unfortunately the only way to find out is to get to know someone. I don’t know if you look at the Advice articles, but may want to browse through them – there are many that address “red flags” and behavior signs to watch for.

I’m really happy that you’re seeing someone now, RacingRandy, and I hope it continues to develop into something wonderful.

All the best,

~Kate
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #3  April 28,2010, 9:14pm
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I don't see what this has to do with eharmony. The site doesn't have any control over how your matches act.
 
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Andifer is offline Andifer Post #4  April 29,2010, 12:51am
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I think they might sound the same but are probably different stories. The first one probably wasn't all that into you and so when it got difficult to juggle things and find the time it just became not worth it.
I think perhaps the second one did like you possibly quite a lot and only at that point did feelings about her dead husband crop up and make her feel unready to move on. I think in that situation you may think you are ready but only when you get to the actual moment will you know for sure.
I think perhaps you were just unlucky, but as said I don't think it's eharmony specific, any woman could be like that.
 
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chicgal is offline chicgal Post #5  April 29,2010, 6:08am
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I wouldn't throw in the yellow flag on all women....when I was on EH I took it as more of learning experience and easier way to get back into the dating world. Let the matching and communication takes its course and see how it progresses in the actual dating scene.
I wonder though if you were putting yourself into a situation where dating these women was difficult. Having younger children many responsibilities over ride the ease of casual dating let alone serious ones. Did you opt only to date women with kids?
I for one have none and was often selected by other single or older children out of the home making dating easier for both.
Either way....don't let these women sour your hopes but open your eyes to other possibilities.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #6  April 29,2010, 6:24am
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Feeling better now?

You might want to think back on some of them phone calls and e-mails and see if there is a lot of complaining in them.
You blame these women. But I know I will not continue with someone who is always complaining that things are bad when really they arnt that bad after all.
Good luck to you and with your attitude.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  April 29,2010, 9:34am
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mrflyer wrote :
I don't see what this has to do with eharmony. The site doesn't have any control over how your matches act.
+1 to that.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  April 29,2010, 9:35am
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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livenlearn wrote :
Feeling better now?

You might want to think back on some of them phone calls and e-mails and see if there is a lot of complaining in them.
You blame these women. But I know I will not continue with someone who is always complaining that things are bad when really they arnt that bad after all.
Good luck to you and with your attitude.
My thoughts exactly
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #9  April 29,2010, 4:31pm
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These two are different situations....#1 was quite typical...they just disappear or cancel for who knows what reason (they found someone better, they cant date, they cant find a sitter).

#2 sounds different as if she wasnt ready to date again...I dont know if you talked about her past and if she just got out of a LTR or you are the first one she dated after divorce. If divorce is the case then that is quite common where people dont know they are ready until they actually need to do it.
 
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dogwood is offline dogwood Post #10  April 29,2010, 5:17pm
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you mentioned that both women initiated communication so it seemed to be important to you. do guys hate that? It is definitly a question for me whether i am being too forward if i say "Hi" first.
 
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