Can setting expectations too high cost you?


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HeartYoung is offline HeartYoung Post #1  April 27,2010, 2:53pm
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What if eHarmony made EVERYONE that they matched communicate for at least 1 month before they get to see your picture? Seriously, do you think that would help us or hurt us in our search to find a match?

I think it would help us because, frankly, people tend to think they are better looking than they really are. Average looking people are conditioned to find supermodels attractive and when eHarmony matches you with someone who doesn’t immediately please your eye most people instantly close the match.

Make us talk first and give us a chance to fall in love with what’s on the inside. Why? Because supermodels don’t need an online dating service to find love, but real people need a tool that emphasizes their strengths and levels the playing field.

None of us get to choose what is on the outside, but some of us do have very beautiful minds and never get the opportunity to shine. One month to paint a picture with words before you get to see what’s on the outside would make people think twice about what “could be” before automatically closing a match.

You can see someone in one picture then see them in another and they will look completely different. Your impression of someone has a more profound affect on whether or not you find them attractive than their appearance anyway.

What are your thoughts on this?
 
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melman is offline melman Post #2  April 27,2010, 5:33pm
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That would no doubt make a lovely movie. But life just doesn't work like that. You don't get to "know someone" - at all - until you meet and interact in person. A lot of things can happen in a month of online communication. And most of them aren't good. You can build up an unhealthy level of interest or attachment. Or you can lose interest in a person you probably should have met, due to a simple misunderstanding of a word or a phrase.

I assume that you think your matches are closing you due to your pictures? Then get some better pictures taken. You don't need to be a "supermodel" for a match to initiate contact with you. A non-scary picture and an interesting profile are all that most of us are looking for.

eH is simply a tool to help you meet more people. So use it simply to meet your matches. Then you'll know.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  April 27,2010, 5:52pm

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Hi HeartYoung,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice!

It’s refreshing to hear your perspective. As a matter of fact, when eHarmony originally launched, members weren’t allowed to see photos until they reached the “Open Communication” stage (now know as eHarmony Mail) for the very reasons you stated.

We recently had the pleasure of hearing a story about one of these early couples. When they were communicating through the site before exchanging photos, they really connected. When the lady finally saw her match’s photo, she was deeply disappointed. She was so turned off by his photo that she wondered how she could ever find him attractive. In spite of her resistance, she decided to move forward to meeting him in person. She later reported that the moment he stepped into the room, she instantly felt completely attracted to him – even to the point where she thought “here’s the man I want to marry”.

This is one poignant story told to us by one of the founders. I have also had the pleasure of hearing stories like this from other members throughout my time in Customer Care here.

Let me make just one disclaimer. eHarmony isn’t saying that chemistry or attraction isn’t important. We are saying that sometimes you’d be surprised by whom you find attractive.

All the best,

~Kate
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123noname789 is offline 123noname789 Post #4  April 28,2010, 7:13am
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Heart…you raise some interesting points. I’m glad to see it was a male who posted this from the start and I think there’s plenty of sincerity to what you say. However, I for one would be dead set against it.

More to the point, I think, with both genders, we tend to shoot for higher than we’ll often get. Following the logic, ‘it only takes one,’ or ’…if it was easy, everyone would have it…’ and so on. As others have posted, I too have NEVER built a romantic relationship with someone I did not find physically attractive. When I go through my matches, the first thing I look at, pictures, ’no pic/no reply’ and close.

Now you could take the position, conversely, that I don’t shut down matches as easily where there are not great connections or similarities with profiles with ‘rock’in pictures,‘ contrasted with those I’m not attracted to. Attraction is subjective and also contingent on distance from me. I’ve seen matches I’d drive two or three hours each way to see and others I’ve closed down who were five minutes from me. So, as with nature, hence ’natural selection’ we distill an active match list we work with.

Although women too have increasingly focused on looks, I notice they also have other, perhaps, ‘unrealistic’ views of a relationship as well. This tends to fall into ‘lifestyle’ and ‘travel.’ Much of the ‘stuff’ of lasting, lifelong relationships is relatively pedestrian and ordinary. Basic commitment, attention to little things, togetherness for life’s big issues…is this the person who would be by your side for cancer treatment ? Or, spending weekends on basic home improvement, gardening and family. With many profiles I’ve read there is a plethora of talk for ‘exciting’ trips to Europe, spontaneous road trips, and adrenaline rushes. No, these aren’t 24 year old matches either. Nothing wrong with those ‘wishes’ in a match, but in the real world, I find them a bit fanciful and haven’t experienced seeing that many long lasting partnerships which would double for reality shows during sweeps.

Much of this too, comes down to time. Do I see anything in this person to invest the time in ? I’m definitely in the camp that meeting is everything. I might add, there’s at least one other cite, which I’m aware, not exactly cheap either, and prides itself with giving you personalized attention to find your special match. You don’t see what they look like until the end. Let’s say, the reviews I’ve read on it are not quite stellar.
Frankly, because everyone is different, it takes personal introspection, know what you want AND accept the consequences. I know myself to be picky, but I’m fine with being single. I know others would also feel the same way. Investing a lot of time into someone, just to meet them to no avail. I would have serious buyers remorse and be resentful of the time I spent.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #5  April 28,2010, 7:40am
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HeartYoung wrote :
What if eHarmony made EVERYONE that they matched communicate for at least 1 month before they get to see your picture? Seriously, do you think that would help us or hurt us in our search to find a match?
Then I would use other dating sites. It's like talking to someone with a bag over their head.

No photo = No communicado.
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #6  April 28,2010, 11:12am
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Another objector, and I am known for 1) (apparently) underestimating my own physical attractiveness and 2) being attracted to men whose appearance does not fit the "model" standard.

No pig in a poke for me!
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #7  April 28,2010, 12:58pm
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HeartYoung wrote :
What if eHarmony made EVERYONE that they matched communicate for at least 1 month before they get to see your picture? Seriously, do you think that would help us or hurt us in our search to find a match?
That would be one of the stupidest things they could do, even stupider than the recent downgrades they've made, which is saying a lot.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #8  April 28,2010, 6:36pm
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate wrote :
We recently had the pleasure of hearing a story about one of these early couples. When they were communicating through the site before exchanging photos, they really connected. When the lady finally saw her match’s photo, she was deeply disappointed. She was so turned off by his photo that she wondered how she could ever find him attractive. In spite of her resistance, she decided to move forward to meeting him in person. She later reported that the moment he stepped into the room, she instantly felt completely attracted to him – even to the point where she thought “here’s the man I want to marry”.
Kate,
Let's assume that this story is true. Do you think it reflects reality? Surely this is the rare, rare exception and nowhere close to a typical person's experience.

It has always disappointed me that eH uses so many of these fantasy-land stories to hook in the desperate and the dreamers. It sets them up for the inevitable disappointment that gets posted here every day. I've always thought that eH should promote its service in a down-to-earth way. As a tool to help you meet people. And possibly as a way to increase your dating success.
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #9  April 29,2010, 5:38am
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I also must offer the opinion that this seems the exception rather than the rule.

But on the other hand, what were the woman's expectations before she saw his photo? Was she expecting Brad Pitt (or any other Hollywood-handsome standard)? Was that what she was looking/hoping for? If this was the case, this story is less exceptional than it might seem.

I really am of the opinion that most people of any level of maturity at all have realistic expectations and should be--like the woman in the story!--allowed to judge with the aid of a photograph whether or not a match seems to be desirable enough.

(And apologies if this post doesn't quite make sense; I just had a sleepless night.)
 
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Mr79percent is offline Mr79percent Post #10  April 29,2010, 6:17am
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I've gone from "I have to be attracted to her photos" to "Well, maybe she looks better in real life. Maybe she is a joy to be around".


Mr79percent.
lowering expectations since 2009
 
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