squash is offline squash Post #1  April 14,2010, 5:25pm
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Hello everyone

I have just reached the 3rd step in the guided communication process and I received 2 questions and third was a statement that she has a quality that is on my can't have's list. First of all how do you think I should proceed should I close the match or allow allow her to elaborate more with a question of my own once I answer her, and if I do continue what do I put as a response to the statement it is not really a question.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #2  April 14,2010, 6:13pm
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Why not thank her for her honesty and follow up with a question - "Which quality do you feel falls into my 'Can't Stands'?"
This will give you the information you need to make an informed decision!
 
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fanofsteel is offline fanofsteel Post #3  April 14,2010, 6:17pm
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You'll have to decide for yourself whether that quality is definitely a dealbreaker for you, or whether it's just something you put in there to fill up your Can't Stand list.

It's hard to say much more about this without knowing what quality we're talking about.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  April 14,2010, 6:46pm

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Hi Squash,

This is an excellent question, and it might feel like a quandary. But you and your match are both using the eHarmony system the way it was designed, and you’re both being truthful, so that’s great for both of you.

The communication process is designed to bring up possible deal-breakers before two people get too attached who don’t really have a possible future together.

Is it possible to frame it that way to your match? Is it possible to somehow thank her for her honesty, and request some elaboration, if possible? You could also explain that you don’t want to waste her time if there are areas that wouldn’t work.

If you feel very uncomfortable bringing it up or don’t think it will help unless you meet her in person, and if you feel that she has a lot of potential, you could take a chance and just get to know her more. If you discover that this indeed is a deal-breaker for you, then maybe at that point you could tell her that you need to move on. But “ignoring” the issue now presents the risk of having to bring it up later, when either of you feels more attached. Depending upon the situation, it really could be helpful to meet in person. Just a thought.

All the best, Squash!

~Kate
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  April 14,2010, 7:03pm
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First, you are required to have 10 Must Have and 10 Can't Stand from the list provided. In my case there are not 10 on either list that are deal breakers to me. Therefore I have things on my MHCS lists which are at least negotiable.

Second, every one of the things in the MHCS lists are very much open to interpretation as to what they mean, what you think they mean and what your match thinks you meant by choosing a particular one.

Third, I do not close any match because of anything that is in their MHCS at that point. I will continue on to Open Communication where we can discuss in detail anything that I would see as a possible problem.

I had a match awhile back that after I had sent my MHCS she requested Fast Track. When I accepted the FT request she had written that she had a bit of a problem meeting one of my MHCS and stated what the problem was. It was something that I was willing to deal with at a later time as it was not a hard deal breaker to me.

The way I would answer her statement is: "We can discuss this when we get into Open Communication."
Last edited by Gr8Guyn2008; April 14,2010 at 7:04pm. Reason: Answer
 
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123noname789 is offline 123noname789 Post #6  April 15,2010, 9:56am
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First, a few observations/questions about this, for you to ponder about your situation.

Was this a match that was pretty much 'thumbs up,' from the beginning ? Did each stage of GC also lead in that direction, then POOF, this one point comes up ? OR...in every step of communication was there...'ooo...that's an issue...' or '...hummm, that's not me...' or '...not into that...' and so on, to lead to this short question/answer session ?

How did you feel about this match along the way ? Being that you're raising this point, it sounds like it might have been a 'keeper.' Or, was it just another match, didn't think too much about it, keep the communication going ? Also, how far away is this match ? Do you like driving ? There are matches I've had where I'd drive three hours to meet. Others, I closed who lived less than five minutes away.

If you keep the match open, definitely, hit this issue head on. They may sense where you are and be able to elaborate very well. You are coming to this message board asking about one match, so I suspect this is a 'biggie' in your mind. Suspecting that, I've been in similar. While I always believe on turning over all stones/rocks, I don't abandon who I am and who I won't be. If you are still stuck after a conversation on the phone, you should meet. A meeting can clear everything up. Question there is, going back to the first and second paragraphs, how much 'trouble' is this match worth ?
 
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squash is offline squash Post #7  April 16,2010, 1:20pm
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Thanks everyone for your reply. I decided to move forward with this match and bring up the statement in the next step of communication if it goes that far. Thanks once again.
 
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